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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that dh shouldn't say something unless he means it and its not the thought that counts.....

21 replies

waddlelikeaduck · 18/12/2009 21:00

ok... Dh has a habit of going to pub afrer work most days, he works shifts so either finishes at 3pm or at 9:30pm and as he doesn't drive will go and have a couple of pints before getting the bus home, usually meaning he gets back around 7pm or 11:30pm-ish... This has been the centre of quite a few arguements as he often brings beer home to drink and i estimate he spends a couple of hundred pounds a month on alcohol... Anyway, in the run up to dd being born he kept saying he won't go to pub after work etc as he wants to see dd, she was born 4 weeks ago on sunday....

This week, he had a ticket to see his fav band, doors opened at around 7pm and he finished work at half two, bus ride home is 15 mins.... Did he come back for a bit? No, he stayed out....back between 12 & 1am and stayed in bed ages the next day so i had to cope on my own and am stranded as can't drive due to emcs...

Sunday evening he went for a swim at the hotel gym near us and had some 'me' tine too, was out 2-3 hours,

Tuesday he took my ds, his dss hockey for me which took a couple of hours but during which he had a couple of pints at the sports bar,

then after work on wednesday he went for a pint again despite knowing i'd had a bad day on just two hours kip, and he rolled in at half eleven calling me selfish for moaning at him...

Last night he managed a pint before catching usual bus home and got back at half ten...

Today he's already started hinting that as he has a day of tomorrow and has a hard shift that he'll go to the pub... I ve pointed out that he's got a work do with his old work colleagues and perhaps he doesn't 'need' to go out tonight too - again i'm nagging.....

What annoys me is that he keeps saying about not wanting to go to pub with a beautiful dd at home as if that makes it ok and yet fails to follow this through! He also moans about being skint and yet has money for beer - classic example was this week was my birthday, i usually spend quite a bit if time looking for something nice and around the £30 mark, i had hinted at the new stephen king book and perhaps some smellies as i know he finds it hard to pick something, he did get me a present but a paperback i'd never heard of and thats all, it looks ok but i was a little disapointed. Xmas i've been buying bits for a month or so and he commented this week that he's skint and prob cant get anything for me - if it was because of a genuine reason i wouldn't mind but he seems to value beer above me!

Aibu in wanting him to stop talking rubbish and admit he won't change/prefers beer and me time to spending time with us???

OP posts:

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 18/12/2009 21:13

You KNOW YANBU!!!

'Nuff said

diddl · 18/12/2009 21:27

Sounds like he has a drink problem!

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 18/12/2009 21:31

You probably wanted a whinge and will feel a little defensive when we slate him but he is being a complete tosser and seems to have a drink problem.

HE is selfish, not you. Show him this thread- when he sees what he is doing actually in writing, he might realise how ridiculous he's being.

He's putting beer before his children and his wife and that seems to be a dependency.

I also don't think you are communicating properly with him as he shrugs you off. You need to tell him that you feel if he can't afford to buy you a present he certainly shouldn't be going to the pub. Why is he drinking when he's out with your DS?

AmericanHag · 18/12/2009 21:34

YANBU. Your husband sounds like an alcoholic. Until he admits he has this problem and gets treatment for it, you'll just keep having this problem over and over for the rest of your marriage.

Sorry, btw.

kinnies · 18/12/2009 21:42

He sounds like he is nice bloke that has a drink problem.

I would show him what you have written here as he might not realize how bad his drinking is.

I hope he has the balls to do somthing about it before he ruins your relationship for good.

Brunettelady · 18/12/2009 21:43

YANBU, this sounds like an awful situation. Agree, why is he drinking when he has your DS? And he does sound like he has a drink problem.

I remember when my DS was born, I hated being on my own and wanted my DH to come home as soon as he could, he did as he understood. Your DH is being very very selfish!

Original poster

waddlelikeaduck · 18/12/2009 22:42

he is a lovely bloke, irish family and grew up with an alcoholic father who is ok now and so knows that there is potentially a problem. He denies he has a drink problem, just thinks he likes beer and has the attitude of why not... I have asked him to try going a month or even a week without alcohol and he doesn't see why he should - any suggestions on how to persuade him would be good! He has high blood pressure and tinnitus too and when i met him he had an anxiety problem which has now gone...

Main problem seems to be that he has lived a single life with no real responsibility except seeing his dd who is now 14 but gas always been bailed out etc by his parents who are lovely and well meaning but haven't helped him be totally independent, he'll be 40 in april btw...

Tonight he's gone to pub after work and yes i would like adult company and would like him to get out of bed tomorrow before noon... Not likely though!

I can't let this go on as from april i have to restart my phd and he said he'd come home straight from work so that i can then go and do my work - if he goes to pub my work will suffer.....

Ideas/suggestions on how to tackle would be much appreciated as anything i say is met with claims of nagging or trying ti make him feel guilty...

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 18/12/2009 22:49

well he won't change unless he wants to,which isn't very likely,and certainly not in time for you to resume studies. so i'd be making plans...sorry!

moondog · 18/12/2009 22:53

P
R
I
C
K

Nearly 400 too.FFS

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 18/12/2009 22:59

Seen your other recent post as well... I am that he thinks it is OK to leave you to cope on your own so much, with a newborn, older kids, no sleep and all that after a c-section too!!! And for nothing more than (more) drinks in the pub! Seriously, he is finishing work at 3pm and only rolling in at 7pm just in order to drink?

As for telling you you can't have anything for Christmas because he has pissed all his money up the wall no money... I think if it was me I would have thumped him at that point.

GypsyMoth · 18/12/2009 23:13

i'd be off....seriously,you are worth more i think!!

Original poster

waddlelikeaduck · 18/12/2009 23:20

thank you, he has improved a bit but its taking so long and i had hoped he'd have bucked up his ideas before dd was born... Guess i have to make back up plans which is difficult as we have no family near by but i am a stubborn one when i want to be so will keep on trying to make him step up!

OP posts:

almondfinger · 18/12/2009 23:38

Is the 'Irish family' significant?

reservejudgement · 18/12/2009 23:44

Of course it is almondfinger, people in the UK are teetotal as a general rule!

almondfinger · 18/12/2009 23:48

Ahh yes. I was/am sympathetic and it does sound like he has a drink problem that needs adressing. But leave out the sweeping generalisations. We are not all alcoholics/heavy drinkers.

To be honest you sound a bit like his mother, she (and his dad) enabled his drinking by bailing him out and now you are letting him continue. Put your foot down.

Snorbs · 18/12/2009 23:57

"Aibu in wanting him to stop talking rubbish and admit he won't change/prefers beer and me time to spending time with us?"

I'm sorry to say that he is telling you that he won't change and that he prefers time in the pub to spending time with you. He's telling you that in his actions. The fact that he lies to your face about it is incidental.

I wouldn't like to say whether he's an alcoholic or not right now but I would say that his behaviour is ringing some fairly major alarm bells. If he's not addicted right now then he's well on the way. It's a slippery slope that only gets worse.

You didn't cause his drink problems, you can't control his drinking for him, and you can't cure him. If he doesn't want to do anything about his drinking - and it doesn't sound like that right now - then there's sadly nothing you can do to stop him. He's choosing to do this for his own reasons. Your choice is whether this is acceptable to you and DD, or not. If not, your next choice is what you want to do about it.

You might want to give Al-Anon a call. Al-Anon is the "friends and family" offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn't matter if you don't think he is an alcoholic; his drinking is causing a problem so Al-Anon will happily talk to you.

There are ways of emotionally disengaging from the stress caused by someone else's drink problems. It doesn't necessarily mean leaving them, rather it's about stopping drinking being the focal point of your relationship. It won't stop him drinking but it might reduce your stress levels. Things like having backup plans so that if he's drunk you can still achieve what you need to achieve is a good first step. Al-Anon can help with that, as can one-on-one counselling (maybe talk to your Health Visitor or GP about this?), and there's also a great book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie which is all about this.

Finally, congratulations for your daughter!

Original poster

waddlelikeaduck · 19/12/2009 08:30

thank you

i only mentioned the irish family as that is his standard come back when challenged, ie that its a cultural thing to drink so often/much....

I have some leaflets and a book from al anon, i'll try and find some time to read it.

Classic dh this morning, he came in half elevn/quater to twelve last night, had a cuddle etc with dd and had a bottle of newxastle brown and a can of guiness, dd wouldn't settle until 3 am and then was wide awake for feed at quarter to seven, he played with her for 5-10 mins and as she wouldn't settle told me to go downstairs as he needed to sleep! Arghh, she s asleep now so i'll try and nap but feel guilty as 10 year old ds is up on his own....

Dh is also saying he might not go out tinigh/stay in keep me compzny etc but i suspect this is just words again...

OP posts:

Buddleja · 19/12/2009 08:57

He sounds like he is an alcoholic to me, making excuses because it's the 'culture' of his background (which is bullshit BTW attitude to drink it the same in Ireland as it is in the UK). Lying to you - in denial about his drinking, prioritising finances to put alchol first. Taking his children out and drinking during the short time he was with them

His parents sound like they have bailed him out all his life and he has no sense of responsibility.

He will never ever ever change just with you asking him too.

He needs to be given a choice - you and his children or drink. It needs to be a true and proper decision too not just a threat

OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry · 19/12/2009 09:04

what an arse.

YANBU

tell him to farking well sort it out

skidoodle · 19/12/2009 09:12

Did you take the baby downstairs so he could sleep off his hangover?

Tell me you didn't just do as you were told?

It sounds like you are also prioritising his boozing over yourself and your children.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 19/12/2009 09:15

I was in a similar situation many years ago. As hard as it was at the time, getting out was the best thing I've ever done with my life.
I sent ex DH back to his parents for some time out, then instigated divorce proceddings for unreasonable behavior. My breaking point was storming off in a huff with DS1, saying he'd take him for a mcD's, then being out for nearly 12 hours with no contact (he switched his mobile off!)
I'm not saying do that yet, but maybe asking him to return to parents (who obviously don't mind his behaviour, or a friends sofa if needs be for a while till he sorts himself out. It might be the wake up call he needs.
I found it easier to be a single mum of 2, than be married to an even bigger child with no ideas about being a responsible parent.

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