to be heartbroken by this?

[crimbocard]

ive namechanged for this .Dh has two sons with his ex . He is a fully participating parent , and does all the doctors appointments,dentist appointments, school phones here if there is a problem with the boys instead of calling their mums. We have the kids on a regular basis for stays over.And dh pays more maintenence for the boys than the csa say he should because he doesnt think its enough.(he contacted the csa btw) My lovely dh has told me that we wont see one of the kids at christmas.
His ex and her sister have decided that ds1 will be staying at the sisters house (ds1 aunt)over xmas.
We were asked to send ds1 christmas gifts up there , so we wont even get to see him open them .
Dh spoke to the ex about this and it ended up an argument. Her point is that dh only spends the morning with the boys at hers , but we have never been allowed to have the boys to stay for chistmas , or even to have dinner..I was ok ,with that because deep down i think a mum should have first choice to have her own children at christmas.
I dont think ds1 should be sent off to his aunt . If his mum doesnt want him, then why cant he come to us? ....
DH and i have dc , so they are being deprived of their brother too.
The aunt in question doesnt have kids of her own, and last time ds1 was at hers , she let ds1 and his cousin get drunk in her house.She bought them the drink. Ex-w said it was ok ,ds1 is 15 .

Does DS1 want to go to his aunts?

Has maybe DS1 asked to spend the time there?

if ds1 is 15 then he is old enough to make up his own mind where he spend christmas, has your dh spoke to him directly?

You might be heartbroken over it but you have to get used to the children having lives outside of yours.

Also, Christmas is just rife with conflicts for many families, such as who goes to who on Christmas Day and who has to put up with Boxing Day. I don't know why people get so upset, tbh.

It is just a day, and you can easily transfer your celebrations to another day. You don't need to miss out on anything, and for the child, there is the potential to have two big days.

I would not send their presents up to their aunt's. Keep them at your place and have your own little celebration later on.

Just read that the boy is 15 years not months old.

I think that at 15 he is old enough to have a say in where he wants to be. But, not sure about sending the presents. I doubt that at that age he still believes in Santa... can you do something a bit Christmassy before he goes, and hand him the present when he is with you?

Good idea about keeping the gifts here and have another celebration. That would be the most sensible thing to do.
As for ds1 asking to go to aunts , im not sure if hes asked , but no teenage boy would turn down an invatation to somewhere hes bound to get his hands on alcohol.
Its a bit for ds2 who will miss his big brother too.
I know all kids grow up , and next year he`ll be 16 so next year he will get grown up gifts , not big pressies.
I love that boy like hes my own, and ive been lucky enough to have been his stepmum since hes been 9 , im gona miss not seeing him.

Can´t he come to you if he wants to?
What are the arrangements re visits & Christmas Day/Boxing Day between your husband & his ex?

You sound in a very similar situation to us here. I don't want to go into too much detail because I think it would be too obvious if anyone's reading it. But we seem to see the boys less each Christmas. It used to be that they would spend a weekend here (in a hotel with their mother) during late December and we would spend a couple of days there before Christmas. Now they don't come at all, we're going this weekend and we asked if they could come for a couple of days over New Year (Thursday to Sunday) as she said we could have them without her and she's said no. I wish I could post the reason but as I said it would be obvious. It has left a lot of people speechless after the initial squeal of "What!?!? What's that got to do with anything?" and a few questions on the woman's sanity - one friend told her boss who is a solictor, we got an email this week asking if he can help. I myself have tried to remain neutral on the issue, whilst enjoying the reactions.

DIDDL what usually hapens is that dh goes to ex-ws in the morning, and gives the boys their main gifts then. then comes back in time for dinner, then we all go to PIL in the evening , when i and my dc get to see the boys, and i give them a smaller gift(s) from their brother and sisters. boxing day the boys come to ours for a visit in the morning and go back to pils for dinner .(with their mum).id love to have them here , but the ex wont let it happen .

So your husband doesn´t have his children at his house Christmas Day or Boxing Day ever?
How long has this been going on & why hasn´t he done something about it?

We have asked, begged and pleaded , but the answer always no.We are told allowedto have the kids at new year, but to be honest we are just glad to see them at all so dont rock the boat.
My Dhs ex was very violent during their time together, he left her because he could no longer trust himself not to retaliate.So rather than hit her back, he packed his bags.
She still threatens to hit him when she doesnt get her own way, and wouldnt allow us to see the kids at all if we dont go along with what she wants.
She got worse after our dcs were born.

The boy is 15, its not up to his mother to decide where he spends Christmas. Ask him what he wants to do.

I don't think you should send the presents YOU are giving him to his aunt's house!!

Fair enough, he's going with his mum to his aunt's house. But I think he should open the presents you chose for him and wrapped up no doubt WHEN he gets to your house!

I wouldn't tell my x where to send his presents.

At 15 I was in Tenerife with a friend and her family for Christmas (many many moons ago) and left my twin sister at home with my parents.

I think 15 is old enough to decide where he wants to spend his time. Would you rather he came to you with a face on for the whole of Christmas because he would rather be somewhere else?

Also, think being heartbroken is a bit OTT tbh.

The more you say the more like us it sounds

I think you do need to go over her head and speak to the boy/s because he/they (don't know the age of the second, sorry if you've said it and I missed it) are old enough to decide for themselves. She's not going to like it but she has to get used to her sons growing up.

Just realised there are 2 boys involved, one will be spending Christmas with his mum, the other will be at his Aunts. Sounds to me like the 15 year old has made that decision for himself.

my other stepson is 9 confuddled.
I know i dont have a say in whats going to happen, but i cant get my head around the fact his mother is sending/letting him go to his aunt where he has in the past got drunk.We are not talking about a sneaky half pint of cider , she let him drink strong beer and vodka .IMO the aunt isnt fit to look after kids.

Well, I don´t know about custody/visitation but can she just say no to Christmas?

Oh right, so you are upset by the fact that his aunt might let him get drunk?

I wasn't saying you don't have a say. Obviously you don't but neither does the mother much anymore, if he was to decide he wanted to spend time with you then she wouldn't be able to do much.

At 15 yrs I think that he should be the one to decide.