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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want brother-in-law to be DD's Godfather?

24 replies

memoo · 18/12/2009 11:19

Dh and I are having our 3 month old DD baptised in the spring. Although we both have DC from our first marriages she is our first child together.

Dh intially suggested asking his brother to be Godfather but I am really against this as he has absolutely no interest in his niece, he has never even seen her, not once! despite numerous invitations.

Dh now agrees with me but his family are really pissed with us and his mother in particular seems intent on falling out with me over this. She is now even refusing to come over for boxing day as originally planned.

I want to ask our married friends to be Godparents as they have been actively involved in DD's life since she was born and are also memebers of the same church.

OP posts:

AgentZigzagDoingAYuleLog · 18/12/2009 11:26

Well, the whole reason for having godparents is to keep an eye on/guide children if anything were to happen to you, and perhaps less to do with social obligation.

I don't think YBU, if he doesn't know or have any interest in your DD he's hardly going to help her out if needed. Why do you think he's not interested?

Original poster

memoo · 18/12/2009 11:28

He and his DP just have no interest in kids. They don't want to have any of their own, which is fair enough. I'm not even too bothered that they show no interest in our DC, just seems rediculous to ask somebody to be a Godparent when they haven't even met the child

OP posts:

grumpypants · 18/12/2009 11:31

Can you soften the blow by saying you want to choose people who can be special just to your dd? We chose different friends for my dcs so they all had someone none of the others had?

TootaLaFruit · 18/12/2009 11:33

Could you make all three of them godparents, but secretly let the couple know that they are the ones you would want to look out for your dcs should anything happen to you? You could even put it in your wills.
If your bil never sees your dd then I doubt that will change after the ceremony, so maybe just do it as a token gesture and then get on with life - iespecially if itt's not worth the fall-out with MIL (though for what its worth, I think you should be able to do what you want without being forced, but that's the nature of families..... especially families-in-law )

DecorHate · 18/12/2009 11:33

Maybe in their family it has always been the tradition for family members rather than friends to be godparents?

But if bil has shown do little interest yanbu. Have you told MIL why you don't want to ask him?

Weegle · 18/12/2009 11:34

hmm, we have a similar problem and we get around it thus:

All children will have 4 godparents (we have one DS and twins in utero) - 2 are family members (and therefore either don't take an interest as your BIL has proven, or treat all our children the same anyway regardless of godparent/godchild relationships) and 2 are friends who take an active interest in the child's life and treat them as 'special' by dint of being their godchild. That way we keep the family sweet and get exactly what we want. It also makes those family members feel good about themselves and that in turn does lead to some more interest in the child, but the child isn't dependent on that relationship for the godparent role. Would that work?

Original poster

memoo · 18/12/2009 11:41

It has always been tradition in their family and bil is Godfather to DH's DC from his first marriage. I have tried explaining to MIL but she just doesn't get it at all.

Its a really good idea to maybe ask our friends and BIL. The main thing for me is having our friends as Godparents because they are so close to the DC and really care about them. They also share the same ideas about life and bringing up children as DH and I do so I think they would be a very positive influence in DD's life.

OP posts:

TootaLaFruit · 18/12/2009 11:46

Your friends sound like the kind of people you would want looking out for your little ones, so make all 3 godparents. There's no rule about how many you can have (dd has 6! ) so your MIL can't get arsey about it. She gets what she wants and you get what you want . Simples!

girlafraid · 18/12/2009 11:49

Maybe I'm not as nice as you lot but I'd just tell her (in the nicest possible way) to mind her own - it's not her who gets to choose

My MIL was slightly miffed that we didn't ask DH's sister to be god mother but it's not up to her and she can lump it quite frankly

She got to choose gparents for her dc and we get to choose them for our dc.

Hulababy · 18/12/2009 11:49

Would your BIL even be interested in being godfather, considering he hasn't even been to see her?

We deliberately did not chose any family as godparents. For me the idea of godparents was to exapnd DD's family circle. Aunts and uncles already have a place and a special relationship with DD, however by making friends godparents it gave her something more, something extra. DD has 4 godparents.

dinoroar · 18/12/2009 12:01

This is what I did:

I had my DB and SIL (they are very involved in my DC's lives) and as a third godparent I had BIL. (both children christened at same time with same godparents).

BIL is the worst godparent you could think of - never met my DD until the christening, hadn't seen DS for years, I hadn't seen BIL for years, BIL is a total womaniser and a "relationship" genearlly lasts a couple of weeks, over the past 10 years, I have seen him about 10 times, each time with a different woman, never once remembered either child's birthday/Christmas etc has absolutely no interest in us whatsoever. Interested only in himself, money and drink!

DH wanted him, MIL wanted him so I just let it go. I thought that it wasn't worth a fight and I had 2 decent godparents for my children so this sort of shadow one wouldn't make any difference really.

Original poster

memoo · 18/12/2009 12:03

Girlafraid, I wish I could tell her to mind her own. I always feel so obliged to keep the peace for the sake of DH.

Hulababy, I think BIL will be offended if we don't ask him because like his mother he seems to think everything is all about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

memoo · 18/12/2009 12:15

Dinoroar, you BIL sounds very much like mine, he never remembers the DC birthdays either. MIL is always making excuses for him but then he is her blue eyed boy!

See, I do wonder wether it is worth fight too.

Blooming drives me mad how DH's family think they have a right to dictate to us all the time!

OP posts:

Stigaloid · 18/12/2009 12:20

YANBU - we don't have relatives as Godparents as they are already connected by blood. Godparents are there to spiritually guide your child in life through church - if your BIL does not show interest in her how can he be responsible for her guidance? Ignore MIL if she chooses to be petty that is her choice. is BIL godparent to your DH's other children?

Your child, your choice. And whoo-hoo no MIL on Boxing Day - sounds like an extra Christmas present to me if she is behaving this way.

TubbyDuffs · 18/12/2009 12:21

Haven't read all of the replies to the OP, but would say that I have always chosen friends to be Godparents, as family are already in my child's life iykwim.

My sister asked me many years ago to be a Godparent for her daughter, and I said I would if she really wanted me to be, but I was already her aunty and would always be there for her, and wouldn't she be better asking a friend to do it.

I certainly wouldn't ask someone to do it just to keep the peace, sorry no way, if he is never going to have anything to do with her, forget it.

My own Godmother has always been a fantastic person to have in my life, she is over 80 now and I have always loved and respected her and known she is always there for me.

MummyDragon · 19/12/2009 09:38

Just re Toota's point re. who looks after the kids when you die: you HAVE to specify this in your Wills, otherwise the kids go to family members or Social Services step in. Godparents do NOT get custody of your kids when you die UNLESS YOU MAKE IT LEGAL IN A WILL!!!!

Sorry to shout!

Brunettelady · 19/12/2009 11:33

My DH and I have this discussion. Although we are not religious so it wouldn't be 'god parents' as such but basically who would look after our DS is anything happened to us. I wouldn't want anyone from my ILs tbh. The ones people suitable would be my SIL and her DH. They only see DS about twice a year, they know nothing about him etc and he knows who they are but thats about it.

My nan insists that she would do it if it came to it but she is 70 with quite bad arthritus and would not be able to cope. She brought me up and if she was able she would be my first choice, no questions at all. I would like my siblings and we have actually asked my brother, who is only 19 but is fantastic with children and he adores his nephew. Problem is he is now at uni so we need back ups. My other brother is planning on going in the army and my sister is in the navy so its not really practical for either of them.

My DH mentioned a friend of mine (I have only met since we started at toddler group but she is great). She would be my choice to look after DS if anything happened. She loves my DS and often asks if I want to swap him with one of hers (she has twins). But with her already having twins, I'm not sure if she would want to. Although she said she would like another baby but only if it could be guaranteed that she has one but the percentages for twins again are very high so they are not going to have any more.

When we finally do choose, tbh if my ILs don't like it, I don't particularly care. DS is our child, not theirs and it is not their choice to make.

ThumbleBells · 19/12/2009 11:38

I don't like having technically close family as godparents - in your case, he is already your DD's uncle, so why double up and make him a godfather too?

My sis felt the same way and all her DDs have non-family as godparents; my DS also has non-family as godparents. We don't anticipate having to let the godparents bring up our DC if anything should happen to us - that's what our family is for (I do, however, appreciate it can be very different in others' situations)

susiey · 19/12/2009 11:45

we have a no family rule for our godparents they should help look out for them anyway both our childrens god parents there are 10 between them are good friends.

so I think yanbu

whifflegarden · 19/12/2009 11:57

Memoo, haven't read the thread. In our family we make friends godparents as family are already expected to be involved in our children's lives.

Could you explain that DBil already has special relationship to your daughter as an uncle and that you'd like to involve more people that care about her in her life?

SE13Mummy · 19/12/2009 12:13

Our daughters' Godparents are friends from church/university days. Their aunts and uncles are their aunts and uncles. We have asked other friends to be their guardians in the event that we both die - this is specified in our wills and our parents are also aware of this.

If you are choosing Godparents whom you hope will also take on guardianship of your children should you both die then this must be detailed in a will or it won't happen.

pigletmania · 19/12/2009 12:22

Memoo ask your married friends to hell with your IL's, as someone said the whole point of being a godparent is not a fancy title but to be involved in the childs life and guide them thorough the Christian faith. If your BIL has shown no interest do not have him whatever your ILs say, youhave to do the best by your dc. Explain to your ILs that your BIL shows no interest in your dd despite numerous efforts on your part and explain the role of a godparent to them as they may not know and state that therefore your married friends are more suitable end of!!!

KERALA1 · 19/12/2009 15:23

Off on a tangent but it worries me abit that some posters (and parents I meet in RL) think that just because people are nominated godparents they would be guardians should both parents die. Thats not the case - you need to do a will and nominate guardians properly (after checking with them of course!).

KERALA1 · 19/12/2009 15:26

Ooh sorry mummydragon you already said that. Never mind think its worth repeating as I come across it time and time again. That along with the "common law wife" myth sigh...

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