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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

say no to dbro because I feel awful now

24 replies

comefollowthatstarwithme · 18/12/2009 11:15

My dbro had a tattoo yesterday. It looks nice and he likes it so that is all that matters I suppose.
My Mum has told me that he is going to add to it and wants to put my DD's birthday and the date of her death on it.
TBH it made me feel a bit sick to think of it and I said I would be telling him not to do it but she thinks he is going to be upset as he thought I would like it God knows why.

I know it is nice he is thinking of her and I wouldn't mind if he had a little star or something if he really wanted something to remember her by but the whole date and name thing is too much imo.

I have to tell him I don't want him to do it now and feel a bit shit about it.
Am I overreacting it is his back he has to walk round with it for the rest of his life.

OP posts:

Original poster

comefollowthatstarwithme · 18/12/2009 11:16

Title should read To say no.

OP posts:

ErnestTheBavarian · 18/12/2009 11:21

sounds wierd to me. So he's going to put her dob and leave a blank space? I mean, I know it's an inevitability for all of us, but I hardly think you need a constant reminder permanently on your db arm.

Just say no, you don't like the idea.

Sounds really odd and horrid imo

sockonmyhead · 18/12/2009 11:22

YANBU, it is lovely that he wants to remember her but if you are not happy about it then you have to tell him. Better he be a bit upset now than if he does it and it niggles at you forever and it effects your relationship with each other.

TootaLaFruit · 18/12/2009 11:23

I think you need to ask another family member to discreetly suggest to him that you may find it hurtful (that way he doesn't need to know you hate the idea, and sometimes people don't realise how hurtful their good intentions can be until someone else suggests it to them.)

Your mum needs to see this from your point of view, and although it is lovely that he wants to remember his dniece, I think that your wishes outweigh his in this instance.

You have been through enough without having this made into a huge family row. If having the dates emblazoned on his body is going to be too much of a painful reminder fro you then suggesting a star is a nice compromise. I'm sure your db would not want to hurt you further and will change his mind when he realises that his tattoo plans might.

Allets · 18/12/2009 11:23

Talk to him openly and honestly, explain how you feel without being derogatory. There is no accounting for how a bereaved parent will react to such things.

Bless your dbro - he must clearly have adored your DD, what a lovely gesture.

As long as you are kind and gentle but firm, I don't see any reason for anybody to fall out or be upset.

sockonmyhead · 18/12/2009 11:23

ernest, i took it to mean the OP had lost her DD already?

diddl · 18/12/2009 11:26

YANBU.
Sounds a horrid idea to me.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 18/12/2009 11:28

You are not unreasonable in the slightest to tell him. It would be very hard for any parent to see that emblazoned on him for all to see. And it's unecessary in my opinion - you all know those dates and I'm sure they're written far deeper in you than any tattoo needle could get them. So having them there is just unecessary imo. And a bit tasteless. Far classier to have a star or something as you suggest.

MummyClausGoneCrazy · 18/12/2009 11:30

I agree with TootaLaFruit.

ErnestTheBavarian · 18/12/2009 11:32

God, I'm so sorry, I thought it was morbid leaving a blank for the date of her death.Shite, I am so sorry My God, if you've gone through the unimaginable agony of losing your child, you bloody well have the right to say no to anything to do with it that you don't like. I guess he meant well, but I'm sure I would absolutely hate it too.

Is he married or have his own kids yet?

Sorry if my initial answer hurt you.

Elliegant · 18/12/2009 11:37

Your Dbro obviously wants to do something to show how much he cared for your DD but YANBU in not wanting these dates displayed as part of a tattoo, perhaps you could talk to Bro about things that your DD loved and maybe come up with a design that she would have liked and means something special to you all.

I lost my Big sis earlier this year, she was a huge disney fan, she knew she hadn't got long and said she wanted me to always think of her as Belle (from beauty in the beast) running in the fields, so am thinking of maybe having a tattoo of belle.

I hope you sort this out I cannot imagine what you have been through and this must be very difficult

NancyDrewRocks · 18/12/2009 11:47

Comefollow You should be honest with your brother, he clearly loved his DN lots and is probably just looking for a positive way in which he can commemerate her.

If he is aware that you are not keen on the idea I am sure he will act on your wishes (and he is a complete arse if he doesn't). When someone dies - especially a child my experience is that everyone wants to do something by way of commemerating the event, sometimes for themselves but mostly for you the parent.

I am sure if you tell him this is not something you are comfortable with he will be horrified at the thought of causing you pain and will change his plans.

So sorry for your loss.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 18/12/2009 11:49

It is lovely he wants to honour his niece's life like this but I think yanbu to say you would rather he didn't do it. Not sure you can stop him though.

potplant · 18/12/2009 11:50

Bless him - his heart his in the right place.

Perhaps you could say that you would rather he didn't have the dates as that would always remind you/him of her death but rather something like a star/angel/fairy/whatever you choose which you can look at with fond memories.

(sorry for you loss btw)

Original poster

comefollowthatstarwithme · 18/12/2009 11:52

Ernest it is fine .
She died 11 years ago when he was quite young and she was only a tiny baby but it is nice he is thinking of her.
I like to remember her in a quiet way and don't really talk about her in rl and his idea is just a big no-no for me but I do know he means well.
He is 19 btw.

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ChippingIn · 18/12/2009 12:00

I think you should talk to him. Maybe you will find that in talking to him, his need to do this ends up outweighing your desire for him not to do it. Clearly her life & death have had a big impact on his life and maybe he is struggling to come to terms with it or to show it an adult way. If it still bothers you after you have talked to him, then maybe together you can come up with another adult way for him to express how much she means to him...

Original poster

comefollowthatstarwithme · 18/12/2009 12:11

chippingin i am fine with him to have a star or anything else but the thought of dates makes me feel sick and i think in this case my need for him not to have it far outweighs his need to have it.
I don't want him to be upset but I can't even stand the thought of it.

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Stigaloid · 18/12/2009 12:16

YANBU- don't worry about upsetting him - he should be more concerned about upsetting you. Mention the star but say the date is too much for you and will always be too much for you every time you look at it.

ChippingIn · 18/12/2009 12:20

I'm not saying that you shouldn't ask him not to have it done, just that I think you should talk to him. I know you said that in RL you don't talk about it, maybe he needs to. I know that she was your daughter, but she was also his niece and he was a child at the time - maybe he is just trying to find a way to deal with this as an adult and needs some help.

I'm not sure that AIBU was the best place for you to post this as you seem quite certain that you aren't BU and you will, no doubt, get various opinions on what you should or shouldn't do and in the end, it's up to you what you ask your brother to do and up to him what he does isn't it and it doesn't matter what a bunch of unknowns on the internet think. I hope you talk to him and find a compromise you are both happy with x

Original poster

comefollowthatstarwithme · 18/12/2009 12:29

Well he can talk to someone else about it I can't talk about her to anyone and I don't want a constant reminder stuck on his back it is vile I hate it I can't tell him that so I am saying it here.
All my family think he is doing a lovely thing I am going to look like a prize bitch for saying no.

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wukter · 18/12/2009 12:35

No, you don't look like a prize bitch and I doubt any of your family would think that. He sounds like his heart is in the right place, but maybe a little thoughtless in the way of young men of his age. I am sure he would appreciate being put on the right track as he surely wouldn't want to hurt you. If you don't want to say it yourseld maybe someone else in family could have a word?

TBH, even if you were being a prize bitch, you'd have every right.

Original poster

comefollowthatstarwithme · 18/12/2009 12:36

I have got myself too churned up about it I think because it was her anniversary on Sunday so it is a bit raw atm.

I love my brother he is lovely and I will talk to him about it.

Thankyou for all comments.

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GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 18/12/2009 12:38

i don't think you will look like a bitch! could you talk to your mum and explain how you feel and get her to talk to him? obviously your needs outweigh his in this circumstance, i can't believe anyone would think otherwise.

if it really comes to it then you will have to tell him yourself, just explain that it is too painful a memory for you to have a constant reminder on his back! surely he should understand?

Original poster

comefollowthatstarwithme · 18/12/2009 12:38

Thanks Wukter.

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