to be more than a little annoyed with DH?

[booboofixer]

I don't normally post here but am compelled to do so as I really need to get this off my chest! Is fairly long winded so bear with me!

Last night was DH's sort of work xmas get together. Nothing fancy just a meal with office people. I used to work with them too so was going & taking our DD (16months). The plan was to go to the local indian restaurant but when DH rang up in the afternoon he found out there were no highchairs, and we needed 2. At this point I said I would stay home with DD who is still full of cold & been quite poorly. However DH doesn't drive so I would still have to go & pick him up, which I didn't mind even though I wasn't keen on taking DD out in the cold & past her bedtime. Venue was then changed to a local pub/restaurant as everyone protested that they wanted to see me & DD. So I agreed to go knowing we would have to leave early because of DD.

During the meal DH comes up to me & asks if he can stay and a friend will bring him home later. I pointed out that the only reason I was there was because he needed a lift as I had said I would stay home & he guilt tripped me into going by changing the venue to accomodate DD and by saying that everyone wanted to see me. He near enough begged to be allowed to stay so I just agreed to go home (40min drive) to save a public scene. I was hugely hacked off as DD was out way past bedtime & was really full of cold.He asks me to wait up as he won't be late & doesn't have a house key with him!

So at 10.10 I get a text saying leaving soon. at 10.50 I get another text saying leaving in 10mins. At 11.30 still no sign of DH. Get another txt saying just talking to friend she is upset. (Majorly long story but she has a lot of things going on at the moment) At 11.45 I text to say going to bed & I will leave him a key. He replied saying don't do that I'll be home in 5mins. At midnight still no sign & he says to keep waiting. 20mins later I had had enough, he was sat outside in friends car. I left him a key & went to bed. (12.20) At 1.45 he came to bed! Woke me up then fell asleep in 30seconds and snored. Then woke me up at 5.30 when his alarm went off and he got up & went to work. Typing this it all seems so petty but am still so cross at his whole attitude. He even told me to go sleep on the sofa if I couldn't 'put up' with his snoring! Surely he should just have stayed on the sofa in the first place? Having told him this morning how I felt he said 'It's not like I do it all the time', well he doesn't do it every week but it's not the first time he has done something like this. But it's hardly an excuse is it? He is now trying to make me feel guilty about having a go at him. Just think it was unfair to ask me to go out & tell me he couldn't get home otherwise & then end up getting a lift. He made me feel so bad for being cross at him staying out.

Sorry I rambled on a bit. Seems so trivial when it's all written out but has really made me cross & upset.

i would be upset too if i was in your situation, especially so with a poorly lo. how are they today?xx
i think it was unreasonable of you (d)h to say that he was coming home at ten to 11 then not turn up til nearly two hours laterx

I don't know what problems this friend has but I would not like it AT ALL and would be very hacked off... Sounds like he is being entirely selfish? Maybe IABU

was this a one off??

did you not realise you could have left a key somewhere secure for him before?

were you not pleased to get a night out AND chance to catch up with old collegues??

he got up and went to work,waking you in process.does that not happen regularly?

i think you are being unreasonable,and so does your dh,which is why you are getting a defensive kind of attitude from him!!

I think your husband is out of order, and I think the friend is too.

Whatever the reason, you do NOT spend 3 hours sobbing on someone else's husband's shoulder.

He should have come home with you.

YOur DH needs to

1. learn how to drive and 2)Get a blinking house key for himself.

Is he your teenage son?

You need to

1. stop treating him like a teenage son and
2. train him to respect you and your DCs.
3. understand that you are not the chauffeur nor the butler.

and that means setting boundaries about timekeeping and sleep.

If he's in late, he sleeps on the sofa, and does not wake you up.

You are right to be upset, this is not trivial at all, but you have some blame in this. I think you know that. YANBU but I think you both need a rethink of how you operate.

From the first part of the post, I don't think it was clear to me that the only reason you were there was to drive him home - it seemed that you agreed it was a good opportunity to catch up with some people. Obviously things changed a bit when the lo was poorly. However, I'd say the real issue here is that you didn't do what you wanted to and are resentful. You didn't really want to go to the pub because of a sick baby... but you went anyway. You didn't really want to stay longer... but you did anyway. You didn't really want to stay up later... but you did anyway.

I understand why you're a bit annoyed, but I think it's mostly because you were doing what you didn't want to do all along. If I was you, at the very least I would have left sent him a text after the first delay saying, "off to bed. Key is out for you". And left it at that.

YANBU to be annoyed, I'd have a right moan in such circumstances.

But a little perspective is needed - I don't think it's worthy of a relationship rethink or boundary setting etc. At least nobody has shouted alcohol problems yet like on nearly every other thread atm.

Personally I would have just left a key out and gone to bed a lot earlier. And made him get a taxi / arrange a lift in the first place.

Would not be impressed with some woman keeping him in her car for 2 hours though.

what BlingLoving said

I think yab a bit u. You had arranged to go out with people who are friends to you both so it is unreasonable for him to know that you were only going to drive him home unless you explicitly told him so. He probably thought you wanted to see your friends otherwise you would have just gone to pick him up or told him to arrange a lift/get a cab. I don't understand the guilt trip bit at all.

He is being unreasonable to tell you to wait up but you are being a martyr by doing so. You should have gone to bed when you wanted to and left the key for him.

'He begged to be allowed to stay'

'Boundaries' and 'he should sleep on the sofa'

He doesn't have house key

I think you are both unreasonable and childish.

Sorry, but I can´t get past him not having a key!

And I wouldn´t have gone to the pub with an ill child no matter how badly anyone wanted to see me.
And I would have let him make his own way home.

So on the whole,YABU!

It seems to me that you treat him like a child and he acts like one!

YANBU - see my post about my fall out from DH's Christmas party last night!

I'm with you all the way but then I'm just a jealous grumpy housewife who doesn't have a social life anymore!

He does have a house key, he had forgotton it (this happens often)

Usually when we go out he says 'we won't stay long' or 'only going to stop for food' and then ends up him wanting to stay longer & it does my head in.

I had suggested before I left giving him my spare key (had 2 on my keyring from when I lent my mum my car) and he said don't bother I won't be late.

I did text at about 11.30 and say I was leaving him a key & going to bed & he said he was nearly home so stayed up.

I had said in the afternoon I didn't want to go because DD was snotty & he made such a fuss over the fact they had changed venues to accomodate us & made me feel really guilty. I see these people on a fairly regular basis. In fact I saw most of them the day before and saw them last Saturday.

He really did beg to stay, just like a child & I didn't want an argument in the middle of the pub. In fact he said then 'It's not like I do this often'.....well actually he did it on Saturday, and about a month ago, and used to do it ALOT before we had DD.

He honestly diesn't have a drink problem, in fact he hardly ever drinks at all. He is very likeable (on the whole) and is always centre of attention & loves it & doesn't want to leave. Just had really hoped he would have been more considerate seeing as DD was ill & he knew I hadn't wanted to go. Taxi was too expensive so he hadn't booked one, and wouldn't have been able to get one from where we were. Very rural village. Just so cross because of the big song and dance he made about me going.

If your DD had been really ill, you wouldn't have gone, so please stop using your "ill DD" as an excuse for being cross with your DH! And if she really was too ill to go out, why on earth did you drag the poor wee soul out??

And if you hadn't really wanted to go, as you keep saying, you shouldn't have gone. You have a voice in this too!

Yes, the lost keys, snoring etc are v.annoying and YANBU about those.

But YABU to be cross with your DH for "making" you go out with your ill DD. You chose to do that. Why didn't you say to your DH, "you go without us, and spend the money that would have been spent on my dinner on a taxi home instead"???? Would have saved you and DD a lot of bother!