having the world's most gorgeous adopted son, to sometimes want to disengage a bit from friends' pregnancies and new babies, and not be sure how?

[normanthehairdresser]

Before our DS arrived we had a frankly horrible history, which included endless early miscarriages and losing our first baby late in the pregnancy. Eventually we decided enough was enough and moved on to adoption - our beautiful DS arrived nearly 2 years ago as a toddler, and is the light of our lives. He is a wonderful little boy and I love
boring people stupid about him sharing experiences of parenthood! We are on the road to adopting a second child

However there are times when friends' pregnancies and new babies feel quite painful. Perhaps in part because DS is now 3.6, well past the baby stage, and I feel a powerful physical broodiness which I suspect is quite normal, but can't be satisfied except by social worker! Hitting the mid thirties may be a factor too, or simply the fact that friends and family have been quite indecently productive this year.

Anyway, is there any polite/ reasonable way of signalling that while I delight in their babies, these aren't the easiest conversations in the world for me? And is it reasonable to do so when I do want to know and spend time with their babies, and maintain our friendships? Some old friends know our situation,and have displayed varying degrees of sensitivity about their own babies both before DS arrived and after. Others have become friends since and probably know our son is adopted, but not the gory details of our infertility.

Or is it reasonable to say that if I want to share the experience of parenthood with other mums and dads (as I do), and delight in their babies and children (as I do), it really isn't fair to make the relationship uncomfortable by introducing my horrible experiences of pregnancy? I am particularly sure that pregnant women won't want to hear about recurrent miscarriages! And I know that many people have different life experiences and will find some of the things I have cause them pain - for example my dear friend who got divorced and, I would imagine, didn't find friends with partners great fun at times.

I would be interested to know how you feel as (mostly, I assume) birth parents? Do people who have had a very hard time before having a birth child have some feelings in common?

It's too early and I'm not eloquent enough at this time of the morning for a long answer but I would say that when you have just had a baby you are in a bubble of awe/wonder/sleep deprivation and poo. Basically that is all you want to talk about. They probably are being a bit insensitive but I'm sure it doesn't even cross their minds

TBH you sound like a lovely, lovely person and I'm not sure how to advise you. I know that broodiness feeling and it is overwhelming, I can't imagine your frustration. I'm sure someone else can come on here and actually offer some sound advice instead of just waffling but I didn't want to leave you unanswered. Wishing you all the best with your second adoption, your son sounds gorgeous!

I don't have experience of adoption, but it did take 8 years to conceive DS, so I do know how difficult friend's pregnancies and visiting newborns can be.

It's very hard to explain how horrendous it can be when you're trying time after time to get and stay pregnant, when it seems that everyone else can do it with ease. The gut wrenching realisation when things haven't worked out (yet again). BUT the reality is that unless it's happened to you, you've absolutely no idea what it's like.

I'm afraid to say that I didn't find a solution to dealing with my feelings, apart from gathering my resolve and just 'getting on with it'. I know that sounds harsh (it's not meant to be), but it was the only way I found to get through the pregnancy/newborn thing.

Congratulations on your DS and your new addition when they arrive!

I do not think yabu to feel this way.

I'm not sure how you could say anything and it not affect your relationships though. It would be a very fine balance between you being involved and not having too much and I can't see how anyone else is going to be able to do that. You may well find that some people go too far and this would leave you feeling worse and left out. Having said that of course they would all understand why and want to reduce any painthey may be causing you.

not uch help sorry

yabu what you are feeling is completely normal
I have heard the adoption process being like being pregnant for many years and not knowing when the baby will arrive. If you were pregnant peple would understand because something in you is obvious but everything you go through emotionally during this time will feel like that preparing for your next child.
if you could talk to a few good friends and say I'm struggling a bit at the moment with all the new babies around and maybe suggest meeting without the babies or taking a bit of space.If you explained this I know that people would be more sensitive (we have a had close friends who have gone through the adoption process
good friends will understand and the others might have to wait till your having a better day or month

yanbu- my ds took 10 yrs to conceive ,it was hard to feel thrill for new paretns when I was churning up inside . It did get easier though and I was eventually able to disengage emotionally somehow.
I am sorry I can't give you any practical ideas but just to let you know I can understand how you feel , it is normal and it does get easier ime.

You sound like a lovely person

I can only say that if you were my friend and told me what you have written above I would understand and would not be at all offended

I think that your feelings are normal but I think that you should keep quiet about them-it strains the relationship if people feel they are 'walking on eggshells'.
My DH1 died when DS1 was a baby. All the friends that I made at the time went on to have a second DC and I found it very difficult because it was what we had planned. I never let them know that I found it all very painful and so I listened to them and admired the babies and sometimes had a cry in private. It is a stage that passes-no one talks about their pregnancies now.

I think that you don't have any responsibility to shield people from the harsh realities of pregnancy loss/infertility. If they are real friends, they will understand that it is hard for you (although needing to have it pointed out).

My experience, as a recurrent miscarrier, was that the people I got most real sensitivity from were those who had had trouble conceiving or carrying a pregnancy - those who had had no problems just couldn't seem to get their head around it. Don't get me wrong, they were sympathetic at the time, but then completely forgot that I might still remember my babies, find my successful pregnancy very very stressfull, and don't want to discuss siblings.

So sorry just realised futher up that i said yabu what I meant was yanbu ( as a i hope the rest of the post shows)

i would advocate teh stiff upper lip and cry in private avenue. otherwise people will be uncomfortable and will distance themselves. you have my heartfelt sympathy. i second what mishy said, people just don't get it unless they have been through it.

take care

YANBU I know a bit of how you feel. I had three miscarriages and found other people's pregnancies and new babies very, very difficult to cope with. I didn't ever really find a way to deal with it, I just got used to it after a bit. I think it is a really difficult thing to explain to people who have never been through it. I was like you and had some friends more sensitive than others. Sorry if this is not much help, just wanted you to know that these feelings are "normal", whatever that is.
Congratulations on your lovely DS and best wishes for your second adoption, you sound like a lovely person who has had a hard time and is coping with it brilliantly.

Hi YANBU. Very sorry for your losses and pain. I am in a different situation but have been through horrific pregnancies and births/losses (recurrant m/c inc 2 stillborn after 20 weeks).so have some simelar feelings around pg others.

I somehow managed to have 4 normal pg's in between (although needed cervical stitch in my last one and in/out hosp all way through). One was twins so I have 5 DC and people think I am fine now, over it. Yet I still sometimes feel ill around pg/birth chatter and others tend to chat trivially about it with not a care in the world, they just assume they will have a baby at the end, and they do. I could have lost mine at any time. Their moans about pg were hard as compared to what I had to worry about. I don't know if will ever feel normal about it.

Can't really help with the feelings in term of adoption issues but I think you are right when they are not babies anymore there are more thoughts sometimes.

Many congrats on you DS and lots of good luck for you second adoption.

I think you have to keep quiet about it really, have a little weep with your husband in private though if it helps!

You have hit the nail on the head when you say that you love to share your experience of parenthood with friends - they are similarly enjoying sharing theirs with you . No reason why you cannot talk about your experiences though. If I had a friend in your position then I wouldn't be offended or upset by you talking about your problems and your feelings.

When I say keep quiet about it, what I really mean is that you cannot distance yourself, or ask them to tread carefully around you without it changing your friendship. But you can still acknowledge your feelings.

Sorry I've really rambled, I hope it makes some sense!

YANBU at all, and you sound incredibly thoughtful and caring about not wanting to hurt your friends' feelings.

I was adopted by my parents when I was a baby. My mum found it incredibly hard when people asked her if she wanted more children / why she hadn't had any more etc, and I have several memories of particular instances of this, and seeing the pain all over my poor mum's face which she was unable to hide. It was agonising for her.

I think you're right - pregnant people don't want to hear details of your miscarriages, and it would be insensitive to talk about them unless specifically asked. But you could certainly say something along the lines of, "Actually, I'm finding it really hard to talk about pregnancy at the moment, due to personal reasons, would you mind if we talk about something else?" or similar - would that be something you could say to the friends who don't necessarily know that your DC is adopted? If that hurts their feelings, well, they will get over it in time and if they are your friends they should be as sensitive to your feelings as you are to theirs.

And I think it's fab that you've adopted a child and that you are in the process of adopting another - congratulations

norman YANBU to feel the way you do. You sound very caring and thoughtful.

I dont know if there is an answer though.

My experience is different in that I lost an older child. I find it very difficult sometimes to be around teenage girls. At the same time I am really interested in what they are doing and how they are progressing. But sometimes its just too painful for words.

So I quietly avoid. I make up for it when I feel strong enough. I do feel guilty though because I dont want to put a dampner on special occassions.

I think its perfectly ok for you to steer conversations away from baby stuff. People do it for far lesser reasons than you do. TBH I have had 3 birth children, 1 adopted and another b.child on the way and I really cant be bothered to discuss babies anymore

Good luck with your second adoption. How lovely

Dear all

I just wanted to say thank you all for such kind and sympathetic responses. I think I knew deep down that there wasn't a simple answer, but it makes the world of difference to know that what I'm feeling isn't particularly mad or outrageous - just some quite reasonable emotions that I'll have to decide how to handle in each different circumstance. And it is helpful to know that having had a successful pregnancy doesn't just magic away the awful experiences of miscarriage and loss. Thank you for sharing your experiences - some of you have had it far worse than me and been very strong to come through it.

I'm sure I will find ways of dealing with everything. DS brings so much joy - he saw me off at nursery this morning with his 'special kiss' on the end of the nose, which always lights me up for the rest of the day! And we then spent the afternoon dressing the Christmas tree to the sounds of his Christmas CD at top volume.

Thanks again

YANBU - I have not experienced pregnancy loss, and can't imagine how deeply sad and traumatic those experiences must have been.

I have not experienced pregnancy loss because I have never experienced a pregnancy - I too have a beautiful 3.6yr old son through adoption. I can completely understand your feelings about pregnancy and around babies and I could have written the bit about your DS growing up and the twinges that causes (I have been hovering around the pushchair thread again after months of not using ours!).
I still feel some sadness inside when I see people's baby news but this is taken over by happiness for them normally. Although I am only human. Most of our friends know our history and occasionally apologize for baby talk - I don't like them to apologize. I like people treating me as any other mum really. I keep the occasional tears for my husband's shoulder and have perfected the stiff upper lip!
Have you seen this poem:
Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still, miraculously my own,
Never forget, for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it. by Fleur Conkling Heyliger

By the way - good luck with your 2nd adoption, we have been told we have to wait till DS is 4 before we can start 2nd homestudy. Not long now though!

YANBU, and although I have no experience it sounds totally normal to have these feelings - if you were my friend I'd want you to say something.

I have a friend who adopted her DS2 (when her DS was a teenager after 10 years of secondary infertility) and I am very careful of what I say in front of her.

YANBU. It's totally normal for you to feel this way, I would imagine. I have had about 1% of the painful experiences you have had (one miscarriage) and even that made it very hard for me to be around joyfully pregnant friends / new parents.

It's good that you are aware of your feelings and are able to confornt them. If you have some close friends who you can talk to about your innermost feelings I would broach tis with them. I would want to know if a dear friend of mine was feeling this way.

I have a very good friend who is in the same position as you. We are aware of the situation and try to be sensitive about it around her.