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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fecking furious with DP fpr not telling me he was being tested for testicular cancer and didn't tell me

16 replies

shinyshoes · 16/12/2009 20:10

bit of background.

According to DP he's had a slightly bigger right testicle than the left. This has only been apparent to him over the last few years.

Lately he's had a rash on his genitalia, the doctor told him it was friction, a bit sweaty, something runners suffer from. He got some cream but....this is the bit I didnt know , he mentioned about his enlarged testicle and said that recently , since the rash it has gotten bigger. The doctor sent him for tests about 3 weeks ago at the hospital, he has an ultrasound and various other tests, anyway, it turns out its just fluid, he can either live with it or have it drained, its not serious.

He went out earlier, told me he forgot to be somewhere and went not telling me where he was going. When I asked him he told me the story, he'd been to get the results of some tests, they were all clear thankfully.

However, I was fucking furious!!

He hadn't told me any of this, he said that it's because he didnt want me to worry (latetly i've had to go on anti depressants as we have had something happen within the family that I have had difficulty dealing with, cant go into details)

AIBU in thinking I should have known all this and it's for me to decide what I can and can't cope with. Or am I being a bit OTT about being furious.

WWYD?

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 16/12/2009 20:14

I think you need to cut him some slack as he was trying to protect you from being hurt. If my DH did this I would be hurt that he felt i couldn't cope with it but I would understand his motives were genuine.

MeltedTreeChocolates · 16/12/2009 20:14

He's your partner. He is only trying to protect you.

I have to go for a breast scan and wont tell DH til last minute(he is a worrier). I am not hiding it to be sneaky or because he doesn't have the right to know but to protect him and let him have a good Christmas without unnecessary worryiing. Maybe I shouldn't but he will understand why.

msrisotto · 16/12/2009 20:16

I wouldn't be furious, i'd reassure him that he could tell me these things so i could support him.

Georgimama · 16/12/2009 20:18

You shouldn't be furious. You should ask yourself why he felt he had to endure this without your support.

verytellytubby · 16/12/2009 20:18

He was trying to protect you. I probably wouldn't tell my DH if I had to have tests as he's a stress head and he would assume the worst and make me feel more stressed.

Glad all is well with him. Get over your anger and celebrate.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2009 20:20

whoooaa shiney

he sounds lovely, and yes, he shouldn't have kept it from you but i kinda understand why he did

be happy for you both

coldtits · 16/12/2009 20:21

Don't be angry with him. Step back from the situation and have some empathy - he must have been terrified, and to consider you at the same time, he must be a very good and kind man. Appreciate the gesture even if you don't like the result.

theyoungvisiter · 16/12/2009 20:22

I wouldn't be furious. It's not like you knowing could have affected the outcome - and perhaps not having to deal with your reaction made it easier for him to handle.

(I'm not saying your reaction would have been OTT in any way - but sometimes you just need to get through something - he probably felt that worrying about you worrying, as well as worrying about his results would be more than he could handle)

I'd just tell him that you are sad he felt he had to keep it from you and that next time (god forbid) you'd rather know.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2009 20:24

Your DH thought you had enough on your plate without this too - he sounds very considerate to me.

I can see that you would have preferred to support him through this, but just as you say it's for you to decide what you can and can't cope with, it is for him to decide whether to worry you until he knows there if there is anything to worry about.

Be happy that he's had the health all-clear, and that he cares so much for your wellbeing.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 16/12/2009 22:13

I suspect your anger stems mostly from the sudden fear you felt when he mentioned the tests. You had heightened emotions and it came out as anger. Like when a child gets lost in the park and you are so frightened searching for them, and then when you find them the first thing you do is shout at them. So YAB perfectly understandably U.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and something extra is just a lot to cope with. I am sure he did it from the loveliest of motives - to protect you.

Take a deep breath, let the air out and be thankful it's all OK, and that he is so protective.

(Of course, if this is one in a series of issues where he isnt communicating with you, then it might be different, but since you've not said that, I think the anger is just a sign of your sudden emotional intensity).

Northernlebkuchen · 16/12/2009 22:17

I'm not at all sure I would tell dh at first if I was 'under investigation' - when you tell someone it makes it real - and scary. Everyone is entitled to privacy, married or not. Hug him and be thankful he's safe.

Vallhala · 16/12/2009 22:27

Wise words from WIOAIG. Give your DP a hug, tell him that you're a bit hurt that he didn't confide in you, but, if you can, add that you can understand that he was trying to protect you from fear, worry and further distress and ill health, and that most of all you love him and are thanking your lucky stars that he's okay.

I'm glad he's okay too, I know the kind of fear he must have been experiencing lately and wasn't as lucky. You feel as if everything is spiralling out of your control and your stomach churns from the moment you wake up, you can't think of anything else and you don't always thing rationally. cut him some slack please, and be grateful he cares.

Wishing you both well and that you can now look forward to a happy, healthy Christmas.

GroundHoHoHogs · 16/12/2009 22:40

Most men just bury their heads in the sand.

Thankfully your DP has gone and seen a Dr, and Thank God it's all clear and there is nothing serious wrong.

I rather think not telling you was more a coping mechanism for him, and not any indictment on you, or whatever else is going on. I think you are miffed, with reason, but as WIOAIG said, more angry cos he scared the living daylights out of you too.

Now you can both relax, and look forward to Christmas. Phew!

mayorquimby · 16/12/2009 23:09

yabu i wouldn't tell my other half if i was in need of checking because she'd worry about it more than i would or she'd want to talk about it and that would just be a constant reminder. Much easier to keep it from her and put it out of my mind and deal with it on my own until i know for certain something is even wrong.
He's just had a pretty big scare you shouldn't be fucking furious at him.

MavisEnderby · 16/12/2009 23:14

I think yabu yet yanbu.He was probably really scared himself yet went and got the checks.I am sure he did not tell you to protect you.

I am really glad all is OK.

I can see your anger though,I think I would be similar,in a relieved yet 'Why the F didn't you tell me" kind of way

ABetaDad · 16/12/2009 23:16

Absolutely no way I would tell DW until the test were over. Then I would tell her the truth no matter what the result was.

Now make sure you enjoy Xmas and be happy.

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