to ask how best to deal with a narcissist?

[TheChicOfIt]

This is such a long story so I will try to keep it brief....

My DH's ex has been trouble to us ever since I met him several years ago - unbearable at times, and after a recent episode, I did a bit of googling into personality disorders as I have always been convinced she has one. After looking at the traits of NPD, I am utterly convinced that she suffers with this as every single trait described fits her exactly ie. self-centered, no remorse for mistakes or misdeeds, projects faults on to others, no conscience, insensitive to feelings of others, easily angered, manipulative, twists conversation and if trapped, keeps talking or gets angry, tremendous need to control situations and others, hangs onto resentment, likes to cause chaos for no reason, moody, contradictory, draining. Obviously more but don't want to bore you !!
Does anyone have experience of someone like this and how best to deal with them? I find myself getting infuriated by the way she behaves and the silly accusations, remarks and threats. It is very difficult to ignore as she and dh have a dc together so they need to be in contact.

The list you give of NPD sound exactly the same as psychopathy

Either wouldn't be easy to deal with, my advice would be to try and distance yourself from her in your head, that way you can look in on the situation from the outside, and objectively just try to cope with her behaviour, rather than being involved with it.

All easier said than done, but it's hard to say really as there's obviously a lot more to this than you've written.

I think most of the population have the traits you describe.

Should have added when dealing with ex's

So now Googling makes us experts on personality disorders??

If I have learnt anything, all of us when put in the position of being "the ex wife and mother of the children" have been described as a pyscho, I know I have and so have all of my friends in the same position, and I have lost count of the amount of men I have met who have decribed their ex as such.

I am a really nice person, but at times have behaved very irrationally when it comes to my ex husband, his new partner and my kids.

I think when there your own kids involved and another woman takes your place at their fathers side it does bring out a kind of "primal nuttiness" in you which is very difficult to control.

She must have some redeeming features otherwise your DH would never have married her, and if she didn't then what does it say about you?

Its very difficult not to feel resentful sometimes when your ex has moved on and you are left not able to because you have the main responsibility of the children you chose to have together.

I am not saying this is so in your case but from the other side at it were it can be very very frustrating dealing with an ex who has a different agenda due to being in another relationship, and sometimes all we want is a bit of respect for doing 90% of everything and a bit of support and not to be labelled as having a mental health issue

Agree with claw3 - lots of 'exes' and 'MILs' seem to have these traits when you read mumsnet. Why doesn't anyone ever have dc with NPD? It seems a convenient lable to attach to someone we are at odds with in life.

Sorry if that sounded flippant ladyanon, I didn't get my info from google, I got it from a module in my OU masters degree in forensic psychology.

LOL at Reality

"to know the road ahead, ask those who have been there" old buddhist proverb
Try this website for advice from others who experience of people like this.

Sorry I should have put in the original post that it's not just myself and dh that she behaves like this towards - there is a string of people - some mutual friends, dh's family, her own mother and sister, and even her daughter that she behaves like this with. I'm not saying I'm an expert in this at all, however I'm just saying that from some of the information available on the internet she appears to fit the mould exactly. I wish I could list some of the things she has done and said as examples but I really wouldn't know where to start. I know many people who are separated with children, my parents included, and none of them have shown behaviour this bizarre. I honestly wouldn't be posting this if I thought she was just being a "cunt" !!