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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my dcs, just occasionally, to do what I'm asking?

48 replies

KTNoo · 15/12/2009 12:28

I am so sick of being challenged on every tiny request I make. They are so pedantic.

Today's example:

"Pick up that black felt pen off the floor please."

"It's a blue pen not a black pen."

I'm all for negotiating and listening and letting them have their opinions, but seriously, they don't seem to do anything I ask these days without a discussion.

I'm going back to the dictatorship approach.

OP posts:

orangina · 16/12/2009 09:49

Thank god its not just me and mine then....

DS's (age 2+) favourite response at the moment is "no way!", which is marginally less irritating than being COMPLETELY IGNORED.....

ChloeHandbag · 16/12/2009 09:54

My dc's are familiar with the following sayings

'do as I say, not as I do'

'this is a dictatorship, not a democracy'

'correcting adults is never right'

'some you win, some you lose'

and apparently I have a 'look'.

orangina · 16/12/2009 10:02

I'm working on my look (but it is pretty ineffectual to date.....)

Alambil · 16/12/2009 10:04

My answer is "don't be so cheeky and do it, or else" .... seems to work!

AngryPixie · 17/12/2009 13:20

My look works in the classroom, I can meet the eye of a child across a crowded assembly hall and they will succumb instantly to my will.

But my 3 DC??? It simply doesn't work.

Vallhala · 17/12/2009 13:41

Thank God its not just me and mine.

Its all probably my fault as I'm pretty anti-authoritarian and have no time for blind obedience myself. I think that as of tonight I'll introduce the maxim "Challenge all authority.... except your Mother".

Fennel · 17/12/2009 13:48

My response to such challenges is "write it down and we can discuss it at the next family council." That way the dc get a voice but not at every turn. We're perhaps like a soviet commune rather than an all-out dictatorship. A tendency towards authoritarianism (on my part) camouflaged under a semblance of collective agreements.

BornAgain · 17/12/2009 13:51

I feel no shame about being a little dictator with my dc. I expect them to do what I ask or they suffer appropriate consequences. Why don´t you make your dc aware of the consewuances of not doing as you ask?

I don´t this is wrong or heavy handed, I still choose my battles and make sure they have control and choice when appropriate. But I am not prepared to have my own life made a misery because they think they know best. I don´t understand why a parent would let the situation deteriorate like this quite frankly. Why?!

AngryPixie · 17/12/2009 13:59

My dd sees consequences as a form of bartering. I say what the consequence will be and she spends some time considering it and often decides that it's worth it!!!! I could opt the consequence, but at 6yrs 'No TV for the rest of your life' or 'No Christmas this year' seem a little extremem

AngryPixie · 17/12/2009 14:00

oops I could up the consequences

Paolosgirl · 17/12/2009 14:06

It's the same here. After yet more horrendous manners, kicking each other under the table and generally Looking At Each Other at mealtimes (they are 10 and 12 btw ) I wrote out Rules for Mealtimes, pinned it on the wall and got them to sign it.

They have now defaced the Rules, so that they now get 20 000 tellings to come to the table before the meal is binned, can argue 100 times before they set the table and can leave the table when they like.

I give up.

Paolosgirl · 17/12/2009 14:07

Actually, I don't give up. I am Boss.

pippylongstockings · 17/12/2009 14:11

Born again - that's geat that your kids see the value of consequences. I have 2 and they are the opposite ends of each other - my eldest who is 5 is a nightmare - there is not a day that goes by without some sort of battle and tears and general freaking out by him - every day for the last two years, honestly I stick to my guns but he does not respond in anyway shape or form to consequences!

My youngest who is 3 is very placid, shares, listens, understands consequences etc.

I am the same with both of them they are just different.

Tinuviel · 17/12/2009 14:14

Paolosgirl, we have 2 tables - one in the 'family room' and a small one in the kitchen. I have been known to send one in the kitchen before!! (Usually with the words, "If you can't sit and eat nicely with the family, you can go and sit on your own where no one needs to put up with your behaviour!")

Divide and conquer!

BornAgain · 17/12/2009 14:15

Paolosgirl, to me your kids just aren´t listening to you. If I were you I would try a few things...

Give them x minutes to eat and if not finished bin the rest. If you are consistent they will learn in a few days that you are serious.

Separate them. So they don´t eat together. Until they learn to do so properly.

If they don´t set the table then they are not hungry... (?) Eat yourself and let them have theirs cold later, when they´ve set the table.

What do you think? Woulld this work?

BornAgain · 17/12/2009 14:21

Hi pippi, are the consequences meaningful to your lo? I do think it is hard to find appropriate ones in any given situation.

But in any case isn´t the importnat thing that you as parent send out a clear and consistent message about what is appropriate behaviour? Even if it does take the child yeasrs to underestand I think this is really important. Your eldest is still really young and needs to learn to control his emotions still. I don´t think it´s a bad sign that he still has tantrum like behaviour..

Paolosgirl · 17/12/2009 14:24

Thank you BornAgain - but I'm perfectly in control. They may have defaced the Rules but they still exist, and they still adhere to them.

AngryPixie · 17/12/2009 14:25

BornAgain I wouldn't want to run my home in that way. Yes, my dd is pedantic and pushes boundaries but that's her job. Much of this has been tongue in cheek, my dc certainly aren't out of control!

I wouldn't want to teach my children that food is disposable, I wouldn't throw away a meal to teach a lesson, but whatever works for you.

I think this thread has been more light hearted exasperation than a bunch of Mums who have lost control.

TheCrackFox · 17/12/2009 14:28

Before having Dcs I thought I would be one of those lovely mums who kindly negotiated everything.

Turns out I was wrong.

I run a dictatorship. My favourite saying, at the moment, is "well, when you have your own children you can impose your own rules".

BornAgain · 17/12/2009 16:00

Paolo, Pixie:

I appreciate that your parenting style may not be mine. And that you have probably exaggerated y

BornAgain · 17/12/2009 16:02

And yes, all children should try and push back the boundaries. A parents job is to maintain them until the child is big enough to be given more freedom. Not plead with the child to behave for example.

UndomesticHousewife · 17/12/2009 16:18

YABVVVVVU, you should not expect your children to ever listen to anything you say, let alone act on it.
You are their slave to run around after, cooking and cleaning and attending to their every whim with no thanks at all.

Or is that my kids....

Paolosgirl · 17/12/2009 17:04

Yes - posting as been done for good effect, and so I think you are making a huge leap in assuming that we do not insist on good manners at the table. We had a lapse, the Rules we written, and it served as a reminder that we do not tolerate nonsense at the table.

But of course, I appreciate from the basis of a short discussion with someone that I don't actually know that your parenting skills may differ from mine

Anyway - on with the lighthearted and non-judgmental debate as to whether or not the OP is BU to occasionally expect her children to do as they are told

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