to think Ds and I have been an afterthought

[lorrycat]

DP and i have been having a lot of problems lately. A lot of them revolve around his level of commitment to his job. We are going to relationship counselling and two weeks ago agreed with the counsellor that his staff would only contact him at home if there was an absolute emergency at the shop.

this morning the deputy manager went AWOL. She has handed in her notice and only has 3 weeks left to work. So DP gets a phone call this morning at 7am (on his day off) to say that they had a panic getting the shop open because the dep didn't show. The supervisor is due to go for her 20 week scan today so DP had to get up and get ready to work 9-1pm so she can attend.

I totally understand this. It was an unavoidable situation. HOWEVER...DP promised me last night that he would get DS up and ready and take him to creche, leaving me to get ready to go to work myself without the usual panic and chaos that happens in the morning. Whenever he received this phone call he dropped everything and told me i would have to sort DS out, as he HAD to be at work for 9am. Now this was 7.30am. He already had his trousers and shirt on and i was ready to walk out the door. DS was still in bed at this point.

I start work at 8am and i explained to DP that it would make me late if i had to get DS up and ready at that stage. DP looked at me as if to say 'and what?', said nothing and went on about his business. Turns out we both left the house at 8am.

I am so angry and annoyed that he just dumped DS like a hot potato. I feel like my son is my responsibility 100% of the time and he takes a turn whenever he has nothing else on. What was stopping him continuing to get DS ready and take him to creche? He drives past the bloody creche on his way, it would have taken him no time at all. Instead i was 25 mins late for work and i feel that his job comes first and everything and everyone else is an afterthought.

AIBU?

Yanbu. He was definitely wrong to drop his agreement to take your ds to nursery.

I think this is very typical of lots of men however, that they see childcare as something 'extra' that they do when nothing else is happening. Whereas women tend to see childcare as priority no 1 and try to fit the other stuff in around that. I know this is not the case
for all couples but it is very common, and me and dh are certainly like this.

Therefore, although you are right to be annoyed and you ought to tell him so tonight, i wouldn't make a massive deal of it because I'm not sure you should embroil this issue in with the other problems you are having in your relationship. Deal with the big stuff and let the little stuff go for now, at least until your relationship is more robust / less fragile.

YANBU I take it that the creche isn't on your way to work? I'm also guessing that it wouldn't take your DP an hour to get to work, so he should have dropped him off.

Fairylightsforever...the creche is also on my way to work but i really appreciate the odd morning when he is able to help me by getting DS ready for creche and take him. I can get to work much less stress free and on time. this is something that he can do almost every day. It takes him about 45 mins to get to his job so he still would have had plenty of time to drop him off.

ineedalifelaundry...i understand what you are saying about dealing with the big stuff and i certainly am trying. if somethign happens i think 'will i look back on this in 10 years and think it was important?' before reacting.

But today's incident sparked a whole lot of resentment because it feels like he will always drop us for his job and i just don't think that this is acceptable. I also hate that the penny doesn't drop with him either unless i sit and explain it all to him. Its like having a second child sometimes.

How are things this evening lorrycat? Did you explain to him the error of his ways?

I do hope the two of you manage to work through your problems

Disaster this evening...the girl who went AWOL this morning at his work called in sick at 2pm so he had to go back to work at 6pm.

I am trying to understand that he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. However i need him also to understand that it really affects me too. I also work (even if it is only 20 hours a week) and i do about 90% of the house work and our DS is hitting terrible 2's quite early so i'm really feeling it that he is away so much.

He apologised profusely and i accept this. I do feel for him in a way...he was supposed to go shopping with his ex tonight to finish off thier DD's santa presents and he had to call her to tell her he couldn't make it. She told him he was useless and hung up on him. I can really understand her frustration also. DS and I at least get to see him for the short periods that he is at home but his DD is the first to miss out on seeing her daddy because she doesn't live with us.

[sighs]

I think I would have been inclined to just leave DS with DP

So he's got 2 children that he drops at a moments' notice for work ?

Why is it that some men just don't seem to have the word "no" in their vocabulary when it comes to work ? I am married to one and it drives me round the bend. He constantly makes the excuse that he "has to go in" - but I know perfectly well that this is not true and the rest of the officers at his rank in his office aren't working the same as crazy hours as him under the guise of "they can force me to go in".

He dropped going round to his parents on his father's birthday the other day because of work.

YANBU to be annoyed but it sounds like a really stressful time for him and as the main breadwinner he probably feels more responsibility to keep a roof over your head. You are valid to feel how you are but he isn't being all that far outside the social norms for a DH IMHO.

YANBU to feel annoyed, but he has responsibilities at work too. If he's the manager, the buck stops with him. He's lucky to have a good job in todays economic climate. My DH is in a similar position, his company have let staff go so he is severely stretched and is working 6 or 7 days a week in the run up to Christmas. I also work a couple of days a week with 4 DC's to organise (no % due in May.)
I have been a retail manager so know what the pressure can be like, I still get miffed but can't honestly blame him as he's the main breadwinner and his work has to take priority.
He is making every effort to be home WHEN he can, finishing at 3.30 today so we can go late night Christmas shopping, but if he has staffing issues and literally cannot leave 1 member of staff on their own, I will have to deal with it, because that's life, and sometimes it's tough, but at least he has a good job. Even if he's actually very stressed with the whole situation, as your DH is probably as well.
Good luck, but remember, he's only trying to provide for you and his DC's.

If you work part time then surely that is because you have agreed between the two of you to do the lions share of the child care?

I feel a bit sorry for your DH TBH...he is trying to please everyone including his ex and succeeding in making no one happy...if he had been going to the gym or something I could understand you feeling pissed off, but he had a crisis at his business which puts the food on your (and presumeably his daughters') table.

IMO you sound quite unsupportive of him, you are a team and sometimes you have to help carry the can...I manage to get three kids to three different schools every day and get myself to work on time...and I have no partner to help..I rely solely on myself...I think you are lucky!!

Ladyanonymous...yes i am lucky to not be a single parent and i am grateful for that. I know what its like to be carrying the can by myself because DP and i have only moved back in together after a 5 month split and it was a difficult 5 months for me.

I suppose a little background info may help...DP and i broke up because he (by his own admittance) took me very much for granted in the past. I try to be understanding about his job and yes, i admit that his hands were tied yesterday. But my reaction (and certainly his ex's) has not come from JUST yesterday's occurance. It's from a long standing attitude that his work takes precedence over his family.

Another example was last week when a shop in his area team got robbed and he spent 4.5 hours over there on his day off. DS and i sat at home waiting and waiting on him to reappear. This wasn't his shop, it was burgled when it was empty and i just don't see why he had to be there fore so long. Particularly when there was christmas shopping needing done. As much as he is a retail manager, he is also a father and a partner and I need him to be a teamplayer also.

Do you think that you would be happier if you got more used to getting on and doing stuff with just you and your DS when he is working....go and have fun together anyway and be more independant of him..as it must be frustrating waiting around for him..?

i don't think i worded my last post very well...when i said 'we waited and waited...' i should have also added that we had planned to go and visit the local xmas market that day and this is why we were waiting and hence so disappointed that he'd chosen to go to this shop instead of spend the time with us.

I think i could try to be more independent with DS. Admittedly we don't get out enough on my days off, except to visit my mum or dad. I should try parks, walks, swimming etc or even play dates with mums who have kids too.

I guess i just want to feel like he is committed to us as much as he is committed to his job