My Husband goes for drinks after work freqently and often does not tell me when he is coming home.

[PANCHEY]

My DH works very hard, or at least this is his propaganda.

He goes out for drinks often. We have two DDs of four and five months.

The issue is, he goes out and does not tell me, then arrives home when he feels like it. Rarely answers his phone, and if he does tell me when he is coming home rarely sticks to it.

He does not seem to get that although he is often networking, that I am stuck at home with a breastfed baby, who feeds most of the evening and needs to be held when not feeding, who does not go to bed until 10.30pm. His actions mean I get no break, and feel incredibly isolated. I am so angry with him. He thinks I am being unreasonable. I think that he acting like a petulant teenager, being totally inconsiderate.

I am not even saying that he should not go out, just want him to tell me when he is going to come home, so that I have an idea when I might get a little respite. I do not think that this is unreasonable. I do ask him not to go out for days in a row, but this week he is out tonight and tomorrow night. He has told me he will be leaving at 7pm tonight, but last week he said he would leave a 'do' at 8pm but then left at 9.30 meaning that I got no respite whatsoever and did not know where he was into the bargain as he arrived home absolutely out of his head at 11.30. Oh and by the way on many of these occasions I cook him dinner that he then does not eat.

No matter what I say, and I am totally explicit about the impact of his behaviour on me, the more I tell him the more he seems to do it, he is like a ruddy teenager testing his boundaries. Then the next day obviously I carry the can again as he gets over his hangover.

YANBU - your husband sounds like a complete tosser. No offence to you, but I would seriously be considering why I was staying with him.

When was the last time he did anything nice for you, let alone the kids? At the moment I'll bet he thinks he has it made - he gets to go out on the lash and act like a teenager while the missus does everything at home for him.

I think I would sit him down and tell him you are seriously thinking of kicking him out unless he pulls his finger out. If he carries on ship the selfish arsehole back to his mother's.

YANBU. He isn't showing you any respect at all and must really take you for granted. How upsetting this must be for you. Not sure what advice to give, as this would be a relationship deal-breaker for me.

Agree word for word with Amystev.

Would just ask how old is he? He sounds unbelievably immature. Did he want children?

Sounds like you've lost a husband and gained a teenager!

This sounds familiar of my thread a month or so back..... My DP was doing exactly the same, I have a DS who is 6 and am now 28 weeks pregnant...

I took advice from here, and talked to him. Its got much better, but has in the past two weeks got worse again. I think its the festive season, but my DP doesnt even come home... he sleeps on a mates sofa, then goes straight into work...

Re-reading these posts, I am seriously considering what the point is ?

I work full time, plus I run the home -Literally !

I am wondering whether it will continue when the baby arrives....

It's not on, and I completely understand how you feel.. You need to tell him.

Maybe you should show him this thread !??

he's in denial about his family situation now IMHO. So he's using 'networking' as an excuse to get out the house as much as he can. Many men do this.

Put your foot down and tell him like it is, show him this thread. He sounds like a twat. He wouldn't happen to be a wanker banker would he?

If I'd put my foot down when ex-dh assumed that fatherhood could easily be fitted around a 7 night in the pub habit, we might have stayed together. But even if the end result had still been a divorce, it would have been healthier to have the talk about expectations. After 10 years and two dcs it wasn't much point suddenly appearing to take offence.

YANBU in wanting to know where your dh is and when he might be coming home. To use "networking" as an excuse is, quite frankly, taking the piss. As someone has already said, the very idea that any sort of productive connections could be made by a bunch of drunks is ridiculous. In fact, I'd have more respect for your dh if he simply admitted to being out getting pissed. The weeks immediately leading up to Christmas aren't best for tackling the problem because there might just be a genuine need to be out straight from work. But even so, you deserve the respect of being told an estimated time of rearrival home. Turning his phone off is doubly disrespectful.

'I think its the festive season, but my DP doesnt even come home... he sleeps on a mates sofa, then goes straight into work...'

WHY do you think so little of yourself that you allow someone to treat you like this?

What would be the point of showing him this thread, when he shows you every day that he doesn't give a shit about you and his kids?

Festive season, sleeping on a mate's sofa . . . c'mon, you're not that big a mug.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

K, here's a newsflash for all you: when I was shagging a married bloke, he used to use excuses like he was sleeping at a mate's, when really, he was at my place fucking me.

Anyone who believes that tired ol' lie on a regular basis is fooling herself.

OP, YANBU. My son's dad was like this. I could only take so much and DS and I ended up moving out after OH had pissed his wages up the wall, spent his substantial bonus on god knows what and left us with no money for food just before Christmas one year. Oh, on top of being hassled for mortgage arrears that I knew nothing about until the mortgage company started phoning me. Oh, on top of the bailiffs turning up at the door when DS was 6 weeks old

Hi,

I feel for you but in some ways I think this is what men are just like. I guess it depends on how often it is happening.

I consider DH to be a good husband but he still annoys me from time to time with stuff like this.

We had a huge row a few years ago (before having DCs) when he went out for the day to meet friends (from work who I didnt know). He left home at about 9am and he was going in to London. In the afternoon I tried calling him several times but he never answered. I started panicking wondering if something had happened to him. It got to the stage where I was calling every hour and just kept getting the answer phone.
Finally at about 10pm he decided to call. Apparently the pub was very noisy and he hadnt bothered to check his phone all day. I went ballistic and we had a huge row.

He hasn't done this since but at the same time he still ofen says he will be home at a certain time and then isnt. But if it is only an hour or so later than I expected I just let it go.

Last week he went out on a Christmas work meal and got plastered. I got woken up by the TV at 2.30am, (I just go to sleep now for the sake of my sanity rather than waiting up) where he had fallen asleep on the sofa, TV blaring out and kebab in hand.

We had our second pg scan for DD3 the next morning and he was so ill he had to go to the loo to throw up.

I don't get annoyed anymore. You can't change them.

At one stage I did an Excel spreadsheet for my DH. I listed the times that he promised to be home and times that he actually walked in the door (if after my bedtime I would put "after 11.30pm" or whenever I went to bed). I added up the hours that he was late and also added up the hours that he saw DS on a week-day evening. It gave him a bit of a jolt I think, even though he had been a lot better after DS came than before. A friend of mine did the Excel thing with her DH and logged the hours he spent on-line gaming, he genuinely had no idea he spent that much time on it.

Before DD came I agreed a behaviour contract with him, as his reliability had been slipping a bit. We discussed it on the phone (he was working abroad at the time ) and I wrote it up as we spoke, then emailed it to him and nagged him until he emailed back an agreement. He kept complaining about the cost of the phonecall, but I told him it was cheaper than a divorce. Being a hard-nosed bitch works much better with this type of behaviour than appealing for help or explaining how their behaviour hurts you IMO. An inability to deal with an emotionally charged atmosphere is probably one of the reasons he stays out.

YANBU, what he is doing is wrong, mean and selfish. It's not a good time for you to be making decisions, but in the long term you do need to decide whether you can manage his behaviour and stay with him for the things that are good about your relationship or split up. If this goes on indefinitely it's always going to be unfair on you, and your children.

Abubu - Sorry, but cannot agree. This is not what all men are like. And I think we let men off the hook if we allow that sort of mentality to prevail.

my dh is the same, although he doesn't do it often.

I often read threads like these where people say "why do you put up with it", and wonder what I am meant to do to stop it.

short of actually throwing dh out (and I have threatened enough times - and each time he believes me and it completely contrite) I do not know how to stop it. I especially hate it when he turns his phone off and then rolls in very pissed.

I don't cook him dinner. but I can't stop myself getting livid - perhsps Abubu's approach is the way - just don't' react to it which is easier said than done I know.

Well I dont know about PANCHEY, but my bloke isnt shagging another woman.... his first love is bicycles ! If he's not riding that, then he's on the net chatting about them or sitting around toasting a can to them !

I know he loves me... he's just an only child ( still is a child )and extremely selfish.... still thinks he is at Uni !

Ps PANCHEY, didnt mean to steal your thread, was just saying I understand.

'I feel for you but in some ways I think this is what men are just like. '

It's what people are like when they're allowed to act like twats.

Nothing to do with gender and there's the problem, women who are conditioned to allow people they're in a relationship with to treat them like shit because they have a penis. And men who think it's okay to behave like a twat because they're male.

'short of actually throwing dh out (and I have threatened enough times - and each time he believes me and it completely contrite) I do not know how to stop it'

That's why he keeps doing it.

Because you threaten, but you don't walk the walk, and that's enabling his behaviour.

You can't stop it.

So you either put up with it or throw him out and he might decide to stop it or he might not and you find someone one day who thinks acting like a teen stops when you're, well, not a teen.

Men are not like this, the OP's husband is. My husband doesn't drink, so it has never happened to me. My father used to do it, though, all the time. Even as a small child I thought my mother was a mug. It's macho 'I've got the swinging dick' behaviour, designed to let you Know Your Place. He is a selfish, arrogant person. He thinks that you should be so grateful to have him, that you'll put up with this crap. Are you that grateful?

expat, I am soooo with you on this

blokes act like this 'cos they can (if you put up with it, that is)

my DH could easily do this, in fact in his younger (I stress the younger as being before kids came along) days he did, but now he knows better

For me;

He doesnt mean to treat me like shit.
He has been used to living on his own and living his own life for a long time.

He has always been a social person, has tons of friends... that fact is if I wasnt pregnant I wouldnt mind as much ! I would be out with him at the weekends... its the fact that I cant behave like that... and I am the only one behaving responsibly that is annoying me so much...

My ex used to do it aswell.... its like they can just walk away from all resposibility... I will be there to pick up DC etc....

Maybe its time to walk ?!

Joanne

Sorry if a few of us are coming across as very black and white.

He doesnt mean to treat me like shit.

Sorry - yes he does. As adults, we make choices every day. And your DH makes a choice not to come home, even though he knows that bothers you. So, he does mean to treat you the way he does.

If you are happy to let the situation continue, then thats your bag. But lets not make ridiculous excuses for fully grown men!

I agree with abubu - this is pretty common and unlike others on here I don't think it is always a sign of an affair (ok sometimes it can be but not always).

With my dh we have agreed that he will let me know by 7pmish if he wants dinner that night (i.e. if he will be back before 8.30pm) or if he doesn't (i.e. he'll be back some time after that). That means that I'm not generally expecting him for a certain time so don't get annoyed if he is late and don't need to call him but he has flexibility in that he doesn't have to tell me until quite late what he's doing. Sometimes he'll know a few days in advance what he'll be doing and others he won't.

In return if I want to go out for the odd evening (as I am tonight in fact!) then as long as I book it in with him in advance then he will be home by 6pm (or whatever) and then he will definitely be there by that time.

It's certainly not perfect but it's working fine for us at the moment and OP I'm still BF so I know what it can be like in the evenings.

Though LOL at the idea of the "behaviour contract" bran!

I've been in a relationship where I allowed my (thankfully now ex) partner to treat me like shite, but no more. Sooner or later you will realise that you are worth so much more than that, and when that day arrives you'll read through this post and wonder why the hell you put up with this crap for so long.

I know it's easy to just say 'tell him to pull his finger out', but I really think you have to put it to him, directly, preferably in words of 2 syllables or less, that you are sick of his bullshit and if things don't change then he'll have to leave. There is still a chance he doesn't realise what harm he is doing.

If, on the other hand, he is fully aware of what a wanker he is being and just doesn't care, then you know what you need to do.

No, no its fine. You see it Black and White, just Like I would reading someone elses thread....

Although, I only tell you what he does wrong

So you could not see it any other way.

It sounds like excuses doesnt it ?

Maybe they are, maybe its a sign that I see the good aswell, and at the same time of slagging him off, am sticking up for him aswell ! Every story has at least 2 sides ?

His behaviour has got worse recently, and I am going to deal with it.

I am... its just come to a head again the past few weeks.

Im not going to stop him from going out, I just want some more help and respect.

?

Incredibly mean and belittling and I feel so sorry for you. Is he aware of consequences of his absolutely inexcusible behaviour? - please give him some consequences........if he can't be more loving and respectful to you and his children honestly think you'd be better off withot him. I have children with an ex who made me feel like a single parent util I twigged I would be better as a single parent. Now have brill husband whos been supportive when I had e new baby, breastfeeding etc. Still feel sad for older children that their family broke up .........worth it for your kids to try to deal before you have to split but this behaviour not on and very unloving - no excuses at all. by the way - you're heroic b/f with no support - bet your kids are lovely.