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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mums on the pta

18 replies

Queenbuzz · 15/12/2009 05:15

There are mums on the pta who I liked alot but despite me putting a lot of work into helping such as the xmas bazaar, because I don't do the school run everyday I feel left out.

They never ring me so should I just think sod it, get on with it yourselves then? There is the school xmas production on now and they seem like they have everything under control.

I feel like saying 'fk off' because it is always me who feels like an outsider, maybe I should just not bother at all as I get burnt all the time in my association with these people. Eg,I invited some round for a christmas party but only one was bothered to tell me they weren't coming.

I think it's high time I cut my losses and stop bothering with them don't you?

OP posts:
Madascheese · 15/12/2009 05:22

Oh Queenbuzz

Bloody PTA types, drive me bonkers.

My problem is although I'm a lovely person (no, really I am) I'm just not comfortable in all that small talk chit chat stuff. I do my stuff for playgroup as the treasurer of committee but I just don't seem to be able to crack the code to join the 'club'
which I think might be for the same sort of reason - DS only goes on morning a week.

I do the committee stuff because I believe in making a contribution not to make friends out of people who are rude! Stuff them they can't see what a great person you are, it's their loss. If you enjoy doing the organising do it but do it on the basis you're doing it for you not to be part of the 'gang'

xMad

littlemisschatalot · 15/12/2009 05:30

our pta was/is very clicky. i thought i could make a difference by going on the comittee. it didnt work. the clique is still cliquy, the outsiders helping from the good of their heart, but not getting invited to the extra socials at peoples houses. i think you have to accept it for what it is.

Original poster
Queenbuzz · 15/12/2009 05:35

Thank you Mad, I am a 'lovely person' too and like helping, being kind and helpful where I can , but I dislike this rudeness, also I often offer playdates, used to do lunches, occasionally dinner parties, but it is never reciprocated with these people so I think I'll just stick to my original friends then, ifswim and not bother with making new ones but I would have liked new ones!

I think they have much thicker skin than me which is why I get 'burnt'. I do have plenty of friends anyway but why is it that PTA types are so much ruder?

OP posts:
littlemisschatalot · 15/12/2009 05:36

all alpha females perhaps?

Original poster
Queenbuzz · 15/12/2009 05:44

Thanks littlemiss, obviously I'm not alone here and I will accept it for what it is then. I haven't got time to be cliquey and tbh I just want to be known I'm happy to help out but not too happy that any dealings with them leaves me feeling pretty down.

There is the church service coming up soon, should I not bother to sit with any of these people as I am bound to feel unwanted and a hanger on?

I'll just find a quiet corner of the church where I can focus on the proceedings and so not take up a valuable spot where I might be in the way

OP posts:
littlemisschatalot · 15/12/2009 05:50

sit with people who make you feel good. its hard to make new friends, esp when your effort is not recipricated.

Original poster
Queenbuzz · 15/12/2009 05:55

Why is it that I'm more drawn to these (rude) types though and yet I pretty much haven't bothered with those who are always polite and smile at me? Time to change tactics!

OP posts:
Madascheese · 15/12/2009 06:23

Quuenbuzz - you've hit the nail on the head there, some people are just bloody unpleasant but we try to 'win them over' because ultimately we actually still want to be part of the 'cool' gang from school.

(well I suspect that of myself at least, but recently I've been thinking bugger it, I'd like DS to learn values I think are important and I can't see him learning them from the children of parents who don't display them - if you see what I mean!)

I'd sit next to you at the Church service......

xMad

bruffin · 15/12/2009 06:57

We had a very cliquey PTA and in the end I just left. They wer all masons and used to go on holiday together.

I had enough when I was moaned at when I arrived at the school fete and it was commented again when I was left. I had helped out for years.

They also used to bitch about others when they weren't there, it just wasn't worth all the hassle.

NancyDrewRocks · 15/12/2009 07:02

If they make you feel unhappy stay away from them.

Don't feel sad about it though - people have busy lives and they can't be involved in everything/with everyone. By your own admission you are not around at "key" meeting times and this may well lead them to believe you are busy and have your own life.

Don't sweat it.

porcamiseria · 15/12/2009 09:27

I think you have hit the nail on the head, fuck them! From now onwards dont even bother with them other than the usual courtesies. focus on your real friends instead. I bet if you act like you dont give a shit they will start crawling anyway

From what I read on here I am dreading PTA!!!! But its the same thing locally with the childminder/paygroup mafia, bunch of bitches

Decise from today onwards : they dont exist and you could not give two flying fucks about them. have that as your mantra and onweards and upwards

Chrysanthemum5 · 15/12/2009 09:49

I'm a nice person like you so I recently volunteered to help out at the school fair. Only for the pta to all turn up 10 minutes after they had asked me to arrive, and have no idea what I could do! I'm pretty confident so I found myself some jobs to get on with, and introduced myself to a few people. But I gave up trying to be friendly as not one person made a move to speak to me, or say hello, although they all came over to where I was working to have a good look at me Fortunately I just found their rudeness quite funny as my SIL had warned me the pta were all odd. It didn't put me off volunteering but at least now I know not to expect to make any conversation

CardyMow · 16/12/2009 16:12

I have to lol at this. In my daughter's class, I was the youngest parent by miles (had her at 16), the school wouldn't even let me go in to listen to the children read. DS2, I was allowed to help with reading, and that was about it. Fast forward to DS2....now I'm in the middle of the age range of parents, I have been asked to help out on art days at the school, listen to the children read, help out on school trips and last night went out (actually got invited, nearly dropped down dead!!) to a meal in a nice restaurant with the other PTA mum's. It's only taken me 8 years to crack the code......

deepdarkwood · 16/12/2009 16:20

I normally defend PTAs, but not responding to a Christmas party = not acceptable, and can't come up with a defense on that one. Maybe they are just gits

But, as an attempt at a defence:
DO they generally do things by phone? All our pta correspondence is on email - I've never had a call from anyone in the PTA either (& I'm on the committee )

It may well be that lots of it is done by sorting stuff at the school gates, and if you're not often there, you just get forgotten - not malicious, just natural. If you really want to be more involved, why not ring one/two of them & tell them you're keen to keep involved, but won't be at school everyday - what's the best way to keep in touch with what needs doing? Any sensible PTA wil bite your hands off. if they don't, they ain't sensible or worth bothering with.

deepdarkwood · 16/12/2009 16:22

Also, a thought from those of you who feel the PTA doesn't thank you etc ... whilst I DO think PTAs should thank people more, I do sort of understand how it happens - everyone is running around like a mad thing, and it just doesn't happen. And PTA work is a bloody thankless task in general - have you ever thanked the chair of PTA for her work??

lem73 · 16/12/2009 22:48

I agree with littlemisschatalot. Choose to hang around with the people who make you feel good - not who seem to be in the in-crowd.

Original poster
Queenbuzz · 17/12/2009 20:35

Must fill you all in! Actually got an invite to a house for coffee and biccy! (and another for mulled wine and mince pies with the one who didn't tell me about not coming)

I acted cool but was secretly very happy to be chatting away with everyone, and had plenty of people sitting with me in church.

I believe Nancy and deepdark you are correct, I must simply have not been around at key decision making.

Then someone else who is always nice invited me out yesterday, so all in all I am very cheerful!

OP posts:
littlemisschatalot · 17/12/2009 21:49

oh am pleased for you x

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