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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you get divorced, you tell the kids - right?

23 replies

DuelingFanjo · 14/12/2009 15:43

Or is there an age at which you consider them too young? Friend of a friend's brother is divorced but they've not told the kids. Surely they will be extra gutted when they find out?!

OP posts:
BrianGiggs · 14/12/2009 15:44

ex BIl didnt want to tell hsi TEENAGERS

twat

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 14/12/2009 15:46

I wonder if it's easier not to - if the children are little and establish 2 different homes/families/lives ???

ohmeohmy · 14/12/2009 15:50

Surely they need some kind of age appropriate explanation? I can tell you from experience of my parents that remarrying without telling the kids can lead to seriously pissed off kids...and no it wasn't because I wanted a pretty dress it was because he was an arse (and my childish opinion has unfortunately been proved right as she is currently embroiled in messy divorce)

Original poster
DuelingFanjo · 14/12/2009 15:55

in this situation the brother lives in his Ex's house - but in his own room. Maybe it's easier. I just think I would be gutted if I found out later.

OP posts:
PrincessToadstool · 14/12/2009 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DuelingFanjo · 14/12/2009 15:58

5 and 9.

OP posts:
ginnybag · 14/12/2009 16:14

You should, yes.

I was six when my mum and dad split. Nobody told me my mum was moving out - she just did - and nobody told me they were actually divorced - I found out a couple of months later, mostly by accident.

I remember feeling very angry that no-one thought it necessary to tell me, and that feeling bubbled away for a good couple of years.

It wasn't that I needed an explanation, just the information. I got quite resentful about it, in the end.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2009 16:27

They're probably kidding themselves that the 9 year old hasn't twigged.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2009 16:29

How would they feel if someone mentioned it in front of the children, assuming that they knew their parents had divorced?

nothingofthesort · 14/12/2009 16:49

They must lead a really odd sort of life if being together and being divorced = the same life. In a normal relationship there'd be quite a change, so therefore not telling the children isn't even an option that is debated.

WinkyWinkola · 14/12/2009 17:00

It's complicated.

My brother and his wife are separated and are planning on divorcing when kids leave home.

They all live in the same house, sometimes go on holiday together but he and his wife are not longer an item, so to speak.

This is kept from his children because they don't want the kids to go through the horrible upset that we all had as children when our parents split up.

I don't know what's best. I do know that my brother and his wife are really trying to protect their children from unnecessary upset. But then they're also living a massive lie. The kids are 12 and 9. Long time to live together left!

LisaD1 · 14/12/2009 17:05

I personally think it's important to tell your children the truth about such major things, in an age appropriate way of course.

My DD1 was 3 years old when I split with her father, we told her that we no longer wanted to be together but both love her very much, we explained that she would live with me but still see her father, she still invites him to important events (he came to her and her baby sisters christening, gets invited to her parties etc) and I really think being honest with her (to an extent, she hasn't been told that he's a gambling/prostitute visiting w4nker of course!) has made a big difference to how she handles it (She's almost 10 now and is very happy with how things work)

Original poster
DuelingFanjo · 14/12/2009 17:06

As far as I know the husband is away a lot and always was when they were married. The divorce went through a year ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuelingFanjo · 14/12/2009 17:08

"My brother and his wife are separated and are planning on divorcing when kids leave home.

They all live in the same house, sometimes go on holiday together but he and his wife are not longer an item, so to speak.

This is kept from his children because they don't want the kids to go through the horrible upset that we all had as children when our parents split up.

I don't know what's best. I do know that my brother and his wife are really trying to protect their children from unnecessary upset. But then they're also living a massive lie. The kids are 12 and 9. Long time to live together left!"

gosh - so do they have other relationships with other people or have they vowed a life of cellibacy until the kids leave home?

OP posts:
ohmeohmy · 14/12/2009 17:27

While they obviously are trying to protect the kids from upset, I think they might well feel betrayed when it all comes to light and that can ultimately damage the relationship with their parents. If they are being taught that homesty is a good thing then finding out your parents lied to you about something fundamental can really undermine your trust in them.
They must sense something has changed, not explaining may be confusing and unsettling for them.
Have they adults spoken to anyone like relate about this? there may be other reasons behind 'not upsetting the kids' that are leading to them keeping the status quo that might need adressing directly.

LeninGrotto · 14/12/2009 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrotto · 14/12/2009 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nothingofthesort · 14/12/2009 17:37

"gosh - so do they have other relationships with other people or have they vowed a life of cellibacy until the kids leave home?"

I don't think whether they are celibate or not is of any consequence here, it's not an issue that impacts on anyone else. I think the only issue here is the fact that they are living a big fat lie and deceiving the kids big time of something that they have a right to know about.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 14/12/2009 17:48

Kids of 5 and 9 will know alot more about the situation than their parents think, anyway. So of course they should be told.

LeninGrotto · 14/12/2009 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bigbadmummy · 14/12/2009 18:01

"mummy and daddy love you very much, you know that dont you?

Well mummy and daddy dont love each other anymore so are going to live in seperate houses.

BUT we still love you and nothing will ever change that".

Is pretty much what we told my three when we did it, and they were 6, 4 and 3.

As other posters have said, of course they must be told.

It is a very important piece of information and the children have a right to know.

When would be the right time to tell them? SIx months down the line / a year / five years / when somebody meets somebody else? That is just a huge can of worms.

The sooner the better.

merryberry · 14/12/2009 18:29

pure bonkers not to tell them. how is what the kids are living around going to teach them about authentic, honest ways to live with other peple. sod the upset of finding out v. being told etc.

speaking as kid of couple whose parents seperated when i was 6. that hurt and shaped my life some, but what the kids are experiencing now? weird, whole life a lie kind of undermining.

WingedVictory · 14/12/2009 19:48

WTF? My parents separated some time after they ought to have done, and it gave me a very jaded view of marriage, I can tell you! "If this is It, I'm not that interested!" I thought.

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