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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's a bit pathetic to have to book MIL in to babysit 2yo DS for the first time in June 2010?

27 replies

pleasechange · 14/12/2009 10:39

DS currently 18mo. My parents live abroad, inlaws live within 40 mins drive.

Since DS was born, we haven't ever gone out together as a couple without DS. While I haven't minded as such, I do think that we should really be able to at some point.

Recently I noticed that a show I really really want to see is on next June. DH has said he would also like to go - but of course the usual problem, we can't go out at night together. DH has said that maybe his mum or dad would babysit, but that he would have to ask them before we book anything. Now for some reason this has really wound me up. FFS - DS will be 2yo by this time, and we have to book them in to babysit 6 months in advance. TBH I think I'd rather not bother. They have not once offered to babysit

I'll try to summarise MIL to give you an idea - she's early 60's, no physical problems whatsoever, and has plenty of free time. She's a very materialistic person, quite self-obsessed, fills her time buying new clothes and showing you them all when you go to visit. No doubt she loves her GC in her own way, but everything is very much on her terms. We've invited her down to spend a 'mini-xmas' with my DSS's and DS, but she has declined saying she is giving a party for neighbours. She knows what weekends we have DSSs and will have known that we would be having the xmas thing with them on that particular weekend. Similar thing happened last year when she was invited to our's to spend the Sat with us all, but said she would be too tired after being busy on Fri eve (hosting the neighbour's party again)

Anyway I'm waffling now. I've actually gone beyond feeling frustrated about it and just think it's really sad that someone's priority to their GC, and their own children, is so low down the list. I've decided to use Sitters as well - does anyone else have any experience of them? I don't really like the idea of using a stranger, but this is getting ridiculous

We don't have any friends nearby who could help out so there is really no alterative

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 14/12/2009 10:44

Why does she have to offer to babysit ? Why not just ask ? She may be not wanting to be pushy, and will be willing to babysit - or not, but you won't know unless you ask.

Nothing wrong at all with paying for a babysitter - thats what we always do as my parents aren't capable, DH's parents are away a lot, so a reliable babysitter who you can book without worrying is great

Reallytired · 14/12/2009 10:46

Sadly it is not complusory to have an interest in your grandchildren. We cannot choose our in laws.

Are you sure you would want your mother in law looking after your baby. It doesn't sound as if she would be the best person for the job. Especially if she doesn't like babies.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 14/12/2009 10:47

don't be angry and resentful about it, just ask them. I don't see why you are cross that your dh has said you'll need to check with them before booking the tickets - you'd be more cross if you bought the tickets first and then found out your MIL is on holiday that week!
While you ask them about that, why njot mention that you've not had a night out together since ds was born and could she please give you a couple of dates when she might be able to babysit so you can have a night out.
Sctually, instead of you doing the asking, it's your dh's mum, so ask him to do the asking!

bamboo · 14/12/2009 10:47

YABU on this but sounds as if there are many more issues. If you're forking out £££ on tickets for a show of course you need to get your babysitting sorted first.

Your MIL has done her parenting and sounds like she has a good social life and circle of friends, you shoudn't begrudge her that.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 14/12/2009 10:48

But of course you need to ask the person you will be relying on to look after your child if they are available before you book tickets for an event. I don't get it? It just makes sense whether the event is 3 days or 3 years away. Some people just don't want to have to look after grandchildren - and although I hope I won't feel that way, it's fair enough. I'd suggest that you approach the local nurseries and see if any of the nursery nurses do babysitting outside hours. My DS is the same age as yours and we've been going out since he was four months old using babysitters (we have three people we use, DS knows them all well now and is very happy with them. I prefer this to sitters as you get some continuity).

So, sorry, but I think YABU.

Flyonthewindscreen · 14/12/2009 10:48

YANBU for feeling sad and irritated that your MIL has so little interest in your DS and can't be relied upon for a little occasional babysitting. I'm sure that you will get replies saying YABU you have no right to expect any babysitting/anything at all from GPs tho'!

FWIW I have a similar situation in that my family are not nearby, ILs 25 minutes away and they rarely babysit (our DC their only DGC)and on the few occasions they have MIL goes on about the wonderful babysitting circle they had in her day...

MmeLindt · 14/12/2009 10:51

Both my parents and my PILs live far away from us so regular babysitting is not an option. We use babysitters if we are going out.

Ask around your neighbours if anyone has a teenager who does babysitting, get them to come around a couple of times when you are there so that you can judge whether you are happy about leaving your DS with them.

First time you leave them alone, just nip out to the shops for an hour.

Don't waste your energy wishing for more than your MIL can give you. Look for an alternative.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2009 10:54

Totally Yabu. So yabu it doesnt even make sense. Why on earth would it even bug you to ask in advance before booking? You cannot expect people to just tie in with your long term plans. She may ALSO plan in advance, like you.

The other thing I dong get is this idea that grandparents should babysit. You cannot expect this. It is your child, you make childcare arrangements. You need to find reliable babysitters, as you can not expect your inlaws to do this. Nice if they ask, but it is not compulsory!

Original poster
pleasechange · 14/12/2009 10:55

Just to answer the people who weren't sure why we hadn't asked her before - over the number of years I've been with DH, we have asked her on a few occasions if she would look after DSSs (for a very few very isolated occasions when there was something specific going). On each occasion she refused - no reason given, she was free

Actually, in a funny sort of way, we do have a willing babysitter - my mum has offered on a few occasions to fly over so we can go out. I guess I just find the contrast mind-boggling

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheysaurus · 14/12/2009 10:57

YANBU for wanting your IL's to take more of a role in their GC's life but YABU to think you shouldn't have to check they are free before booking something and expecting them to babysit.

Original poster
pleasechange · 14/12/2009 10:58

Quintessential - I sort of see what you mean, if there is an equally mutual no expectations situation on both sides. However DH very frequently bends over backwards for her and her DP, helping them out with all sorts. He could of course take the 'well it's not my computer why should I help fix it' attitude, but DH is not like this, and likes to help out family and friends

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasechange · 14/12/2009 11:01

btw just to clarify - I wasn't in any way suggesting that I wouldn't actually book it if she wouldn't babysit. Of course I would either ask a friend to go with me instead of DH, or use Sitters as I mentioned

OP posts:
MummyTumble · 14/12/2009 11:04

YABU - we got tickets to see take that last year.....but checked that MIL was willing and able to babysit before we bought them 6 months in advance. Don't see the problem...she might have plans like holidays etc of her own for then.

And if you never ask her to babysit for you how do you know whether she will or not? She might assume you're not bothered about going out. If you don't ask you'll never know the answer. Some people don't like to be seen as interfering MILs...

Does she drive? And is she comfortable to drive for 40 mins on her own late at night?? My mum wouldn't like to do that at all. Or would you ask her to stay over?

Morloth · 14/12/2009 11:07

I book people in month's ahead all the time. They might be planning something, or to be away on holiday. No harm in pencilling in.

MIL has my DS and my as yet unborn DS booked in for September next year as that is our anniversary and has also confirmed the date she will be taking DS shopping for his birthday gift in July next year.

I love booking ahead for things, makes life so much easier for all concerned.

MummyTumble · 14/12/2009 11:09

Sorry - just seen ah has turned you down in the past!

Is is the distance, late nights, woman on her own etc. Does she come to your house much anyway - she may not feel comfortable. Would she have your son to stay over at her house? (Then you get a lie in too )

Original poster
pleasechange · 14/12/2009 11:09

mummytumble - believe me, she has no issues with being seen as an interfering mil . Also no issues with driving home late at night - from the theatre anyway

In any normal case, I can see that it's reasonable to ask someone well in advance if you're asking them to do you a favour

Tbh I think there's probably no real benefit (to us) of her babysitting as opposed to a stranger. DS doesn't really know her in any way and like someone else said, she probably isn't that interested anyway. At least someone from Sitters will have chosen to be there (albeit for the money!)

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasechange · 14/12/2009 11:12

I guess the other thing which makes me about it all is that she constantly says she would like to spend more time with the DSSs but can't. She's very much the type who likes the idea of being the doting GM, but not the actual reality of spending time with them ikswim.

OP posts:
displayuntiltwelfthnight · 14/12/2009 11:16

think this is more about issues you have with your MIL as a person rather than just the booking ahead for babysitting thing.

Original poster
pleasechange · 14/12/2009 11:21

You're probably right

OP posts:
hormonalmum · 14/12/2009 11:23

I have booked a babysitter (friend 2.5 years in advance) for my dh's 40th.
It is for a full weekend and hopefully for our 3 children, so the more notice the better for my friend imo.
It's not unreasonable to book in advance - then it is one less thing to worry about.

If your mil says no, you have loads of time to find an alternative. In fact, I would line someone else up anyway with a few trial runs and you get to go out with dh before next June!

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 14/12/2009 11:26

fwiw I always have to book my parents months in advance to just come and visit us, so busy are they in their own lives, I don't have a prblem with this as I don't look to them for babysitting but you're not alone in having GPs who have a lot going on in their own lives and maybe just need to accept that it's not something MIL thinks of offering but that doesn't necessarily mean she will refuse if asked again by your dh about next year's date.

Original poster
pleasechange · 14/12/2009 11:29

On the positive side, DS will have the benefit of babysitting on tap for his DCs, as I'll be bending over backwards to make sure he doesn't have the problems I have. My mum does this for my sisters, but she loves getting to spend so much time with the kids. She also has a lot of friends and outside interests, but family is more of a priority for her

OP posts:
displayuntiltwelfthnight · 14/12/2009 11:32

you're verging on turning the thread into one of those where people say GPs should be expected to babysit as they're not being good enough GPs if they don't.......I shall leave you to it as I have strong feelings about people who think GPs are there to be on tap babysitters! Good luck, though, with asking about next year's trip. Hope you get to have a good time!

Original poster
pleasechange · 14/12/2009 11:34

once in 2 years (or once in 7 years counting the DSSs!) is hardly on tap though is it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2009 11:42

allnew,

Have used Sitters myself for many years now (since DS was a toddler) and have always found them to be reliable.