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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bitch? (very long)

26 replies

TheArmadillo · 14/12/2009 09:36

I have an old friend who apparently wants to get in touch with me again - I don't want to restart the friendship but I am feeling like a bitch for doing so.

I'll explain the situation.

I have a friend (A) who saw this old friend (Z) who told her that she wants to restart our friendship again.

A explained all this to me. This is the second time she has seen z in about 2 years (A &Z were also friends).

I find Z very hard to take. I have known her for about 12 years since we were in school. Z has had a very hard life and a couple of years ago lost both parents in a very short space of time. Z also has mental health issues for which she won't get any professional help for (her mother had very serious mental health issues and she doesn't want to turn into her). Z has had a very hard time and has genuine problems - she has in the whole time I've known her. Which is what makes me feel guilty.

However Z demands everything from you. All your time and energy. You have to see/speak to her on a daily basis. I spent many years trying to sort out her problems from doing her schoolwork (which she then refused to hand in) to sorting out other stuff for her which again she throws back at you and then complains she never gets any help. She is incrediably intense to deal with. She will wind you up until you snap and then carry on. She will use examples of your behaviour as a teenager and throw them back in your face. She also abandoned me when I needed her help the most which is something I find hard to forgive.

However alot of this is to do with her state of mind (I do believe she has mental health problems), she is stuck between an abusive dp and a bastard of a brother and is still coming to terms with the death of both her parents (she was with her father when he collapsed and died and found her mother when she had hung herself). She is also underneath it all a nice person - she can be very kind and generous and fun. We have a long history together since schooldays.

But I have just found out I am expecting my 2nd dc. We have had a very tough year - I have broken off contact with my parents, dp has been unemployed since april etc etc. And I cannot face getting back in contact with someone that I do not have the energy for. I have a family now and can't devote all my time and energy to her and from experience it is all or nothing. Dp (who has known her longer than I have) agrees.

A says Z has improved a lot since she last saw her. But I have seen this before so many times and it is only ever temporary.

A has also suffered alot at the hands of Z - something Z will never admit or apologise for. Z never sees anything as her fault but will blame others for years. A has also had a very tough 18months. She was very ill and is now on lifelong medication. Her DH is now very ill and is still undergoing a lot of medical proceedures. I worry about her rekindling the friendship because Z is a lot nastier to her than anyone else and takes out a lot of her anger on A - A had a horrendous time with losing parents as a teen and being abandoned. However A is an adult nad incrediably tough adn resilient, but I do worry about her taking this on. I can't make the decision for her though.

SO am I a bitch for not wanting to restart friendship with Z purely for selfish reasons? I am feeling guilty as Z's behaviour is the result of genuine problems.

OP posts:
RealityIsHungover · 14/12/2009 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 14/12/2009 09:40

thank you.

I think that is the problem here - I feel guilty for cutting off my parents and am transferring it to Z.

OP posts:
girlafraid · 14/12/2009 09:40

No you are not a bitch, you know that - you are a good person to even go through this process

She is not your reponsibility - don't even go there

rookiemater · 14/12/2009 09:41

YANBU, you had good reason to sever ties and there seems little point in starting this acquaintance again.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 14/12/2009 09:42

I completely agree with Reality - congratulations on the pregnancy!
you are NOT being a bitch to not want to resume a freindship with this person. She sounds draining and although she has her own issues, you shouldn't feel you need to take them on just to seem friendly. It's not being selfish, it's being sensible.
Leave things be and concentrate on yourself, your family and your pregnancy health.

tatt · 14/12/2009 09:46

no - provided you say it gently. We all have only a limited amount of energy and have to use it as best we can. Explain that you couldn't be a good friend at the moment and therefore you won't make commitments you can't keep. Sometimes the best help you can offer to other people is to stop enabling bad behaviour.

MadameDuBain · 14/12/2009 09:49

You know just how much you do not need a friend like this, especially when pg and have plenty of other demands on you. Don't go there. Yes, it's sad for her but there are thousands of people out there like Z and you can't take them all on. Just because you were her friend once doesn't leave you with any obligations IMO.

And why does Z want to be back in your life? Think long and hard about that one. I can't think of anything I want to do less than look up old friends I drifted apart from, probably with good reason, and add them to the stress and busyness of my life. If she wants to do this I am fairly sure that, though she may not consciously see it, she wants someone to to lean on and provide for her emotionally. It's not your job.

If it makes you feel any better I cut off a friendship soon after I had DC1, with someone who was simply being too demanding and emotionally draining. Yes it's harsh, but I had my baby to think of, I was exhausted and it was just too much. If you don't let this start up again you won't be put in that position which could hurt her even more IYSWIM.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 14/12/2009 09:49

thanks - I really needed to hear it.

I am for the first time in my life, only surrounded by those who give me more than they take and feel so much freer and happier for it. I really do not want to go backwards.

OP posts:
sweetnsour · 14/12/2009 09:52

Stay away. It's fine.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 14/12/2009 09:53

sounds like you have got the balance right now, then. Keep it that way and you will enjoy life and your pregnancy far more than if you feel you are having to constantly bat off an overly keen and exhausting friend.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 14/12/2009 09:57

Madame - I am wondering why now. It all originally kicked off when I was pregnant with adn just given birth to ds.

Z lives in the past - she can't understand why we don't want to spend all our time reminscing and re-enacting our school/teenage years. Those were the best days of her life (though she skips over the shitty parts). Which is why I think that she wants to restart the friendship. Or it could just be that she wonders what I'm up to and wants to pick it back up. Who knows, but I can't do it.

OP posts:
FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 14/12/2009 09:59

It is absolutely okay to not start a relationship with this woman or anyone at all you would rather not see. If they don't make your life better then there is no space for them.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 14/12/2009 10:00

Thanks - being pregnant and having ds were some of the darkest points in my life (although having ds got me through) because of not only my parents but also Z. It was because of Z's behaviour and needing to escape from it that I fled to my parents (Z lived with us). Which was a really bad move but I felt stuck between 2 bad situations.

I don't want to repeat that for this one.

OP posts:
MadameDuBain · 14/12/2009 10:03

Well that sounds a bit like her neediness is the kind that wants you to show her that you put her first. And why should you? She sounds as if she hasn't grown up and realised that when people have families, they come first.

Some people are like that - now I'm in my 40s, it does seem to me that there's a divide between people who have the capacity to grow up and change over time, and those who are still basically teenagers emotionally. I also get pursued through facebook by people who just want to reminisce about school - no thanks.

warthog · 14/12/2009 10:07

i would definitely not get in contact again. she hasn't asked you directly, so you don't have to respond. if A asks you again, say you don't want to. you don't have to justify anything.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 14/12/2009 10:07

I'm not on facebook for that very reason- no interest in getting back in touch with people who I was on the hockey team with or who I mucked about with at school. Have barely enough time to see my existing friends with all the family stuff we all have now we're adults, let alone getting back in touch with people who I drifted away from in the past. There's a reson you lost contact with friend Z so you're right to not go backwards with your own life by bringing her back into your life. Stick with the peope around you now who make you feel upbeat and positive about life, not people who drag you down.

Stigaloid · 14/12/2009 10:11

YANBU - stay away - you don't need someone like that in your life. You don't have to stay friends with someone just because you knew them when you were younger and you have more important things in your life to worry about.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 14/12/2009 10:12

she refuses to grow up. I have. I don't want to relive our teenage years (they were pretty shitty from my point of view). I understand why she doesn't want to grow up but I can't deal with it.

Thank you all for making me feel better about this.

A wants me to give her a chance. A gave me a chance a couple of years ago after my equally shitty behaviour. And now we have a great friendship. However this wasn't sustained and A understands why I did what I did (and understood before I did).

I am really not a nice person in some ways. I hoped for from A (and got) what I wont give to Z.

Gah this sends me all back to feeling like a teenager again and the fallings out and bitchings we all had.

OP posts:
Lotkinsgonecurly · 14/12/2009 10:13

Sounds like quite a troubled past, with all that is going on in your life and will be going on (Congratulations) I wouldn't resume the friendship.

If you happen to run into her then be polite but in a rush to an 'appointment'. Do not get sucked in.

Stick to those you know. There may be a time in your life when children are older and you have more time that you want to get back in touch but I certainly wouldn't do so now or feel guilty for not doing so.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 14/12/2009 10:16

stop worrying about it and beating yourself up. The situation with you and A is not the sirtuiation with you and Z so don't compare it, see them as two separate things and don't fret about it. Sounds to me like you'd be mad to resume things with z again so don't give it any more thought and don't feel guilty about it. This is life, sometimes we have to cut off from relationships in order to fully maximise our own more improtant relationships and lives. Your priorites are your children and family and friends who care about you and who you care about. Don't feel burdened by Z.

Jux · 14/12/2009 10:18

I don't think you're in a position to be a friend to Z at the moment. You're energies should be directed towards your own family first and what you have left goes outside.

I don't think you're being a bitch, I think you're sorting your priorities and getting them right.

clearly, this isn't a good time for you to rekindle a friendship, but htat doesn't mean that you couldn't or wouldn't in the future, does it?

As for A, you're quite right, you can't make the decision for her. Just be ready to catch her when she needs you.

Vallhala · 14/12/2009 10:33

YANBU. You are responsible for yourself and your child, for your unborn babe and the continuing security and happiness in your marriage but NOT for another grown woman.

Give yourself a break and walk away. The worst that can happen if you do is that you feel unnecessarily and undeservedly guilty but if you don't walk away it could well end up far, far more unpleasant and frankly the risks and liklihood of that seem far too great.

fillybuster · 14/12/2009 10:42

YADNBU, and you shouldn't feel guilty...you've done well to move forward with your life and to take responsibility for rectifying and improving your own behaviour (as shown by your renewed friendship with A) and you've got enough to deal with already, especially with the tough time you've been having. Congrats on the pregnancy - keep your focus and your energy for your immediate family and for non-toxic friends.

lucky1979 · 14/12/2009 11:53

I had a very similar friend, except I did restart the friendship with her, and it was great for about a year, then totally disintegrated again and put me through exactly the same kinds of stress and worry of dealing with her a second time.

I also felt guilty because she is genuinely ill (diagnosed bipolar but won't take her medication most of the time or gets drunk on it and messes it up) and she has alienated almost everyone from the old days. But there came a point when I just couldn't take the constant drama and hard work that came with her and honestly it's been the best decision, especially since I had DD, as I just don't have the energy to constantly cater to someone else. It is hard, and sounds callous, but you do have to put yourself and your family first eventually. It's not your fault she's depressed. It's not her fault either, but at the end of the day you've done your best to help and support her over the years, and you can't live your life for someone else.

pjmama · 14/12/2009 14:27

To plagiarize a line from one of my favourite films; you can only be so unpleasant, no matter what you've been through, before people stop caring.

Don't beat yourself up about putting your own families needs first. Your friend's mental health is not your responsiblitiy and it sounds like you've already given her more than she has any right to expect.