Dear --friend-- acquaintance...

[Lexilicious]

Dear friend male acquaintance,

It took me a few seconds to realise that you were phoning about my wedding. In fairness, I did indeed send a wide invite to a number of our circle of friends nearly a year ago, but unless you have never been to a wedding before you might have guessed that no paper invite by now means... no invite.

If you had really wanted to be invited, here's a few things you could have done to have got a bit higher up the priority list of guests:

1. Not get so embarrassingly drunk on every possible occasion.
2. Not lunge in to snog me when you knew I had a boyfriend (although before I was engaged to him).
3. Not threaten to throw a seven month pregnant woman down the stairs at her engagement party when she tells you, quietly enough for nobody else to hear, that she thinks you've probably had enough to drink.
4. Not phone six days before the event and after briefly enquiring about the baby (thank you) say "so what are the plans for getting lashed up this weekend then? Where should I come to?"
5. Not, when I'd made excuses that I had forgotten about you at the paper invite stage, say in a hurt tone "I've never been uninvited to a wedding before."

Actually, just stopping at the first of that list would be a marvellous start. You are a 27 year old man with a proper job and you hold the Queen's Commission as a Territorial Army officer. You should know a lot better than to behave like this.

As you were.

Oh dear! Did that really happen? Very well written letter by the way!

Hmmmm....

So you sent him a save-the-date type invitation a year ago? And now you've changed your mind and have decided not to invite him?

And when he asked why he hadn't recieved the invite proper along with everyone else you weren't upfront but made a lame excuse about having forgotten?

I'd say that's pretty rude, to be honest. No wonder he's hurt.

Sorry, not all that clear in my OP. it was an excitable email a year ago to virtually everyone I knew saying we're getting married on this date, watch this space, am hoping to have a big bash etc. Wasn't a save the date card.

And, hypothetically, would I have been unreasonable to rescind an invitation, however firm it was, to someone who squared up to me at 32wks on the first floor of a restaurant and said he'd push me down the stairs if I tried to tell him again he was drunk?

YANBU! But uninvite him properly - i.e tell him why he has been uninvited! He sounds as thoroughly unpleseant!

PS Congratulations on the wedding!

understandable that someone might feel "uninvited" if you had sent them an e-mail giving a date and saying watch this space as that suggests they will be included in the wedding
...as for the rest of it, sounds far too complex for me to fathom at this hour!

Sorry - hope that last message made sense! Too much wineage!!!

Actually write this letter to him! Its fantastic and clearly gives very very valid reasons why he is NOT invited to your wedding. The pregnant stairs thing!! All the reason you need.

I would have taken "an excitable email a year ago...saying we're getting married on this date, watch this space, am hoping to have a big bash" as an invitation. That's hardly unreasonable is it?

So don't duck and dive and pretend that he's odd for thinking that you originally had invited him and now you've changed your mind. Because that's exactly what has happened

It's your wedding, you have valid reasons for not wanting him there, but be a bloody adult about it.

Tell him you've changed your mind about having him there and tell him why. Don't send a pissy sarky letter and then expect to hold the moral highgound on behaviour.

you could send your excellent letter - or say, no, your not invited because i think you are a fucking twat

I think I will tell him. But I am not keen on doing it face to face for obvious reasons so it will be an email, and I will try not to make it pissy sarky.

make sure any mutual friends know not to tell him where the wedding is too (and tell them why so they take you seriously) in case he has a few and decides to gate-crash..

Yes perhaps not do it in quite the same style as the above but do make sure you get all your points across! Oh and do update us! Good luck!

Was thinking, you could always go for the chickens option - tell him you have to limit numbers (at this point you could add, so you are limiting it to people whom you consider to be your friends and not someone who shows you zero respect and behaves like a thug)

Hi, there, just over from your post on another thread.

He may well be pissed off to be disinvited, but it's best to do it formally anyway, with reasons. Maybe rework the second para to take on board notanumber and displayuntiltwelthnight's comments about expectations.

Perhaps instead of "unless you have never been to a wedding before you might have guessed that no paper invite by now means... no invite., write: "things do change, and I am just writing to let you know why I have not followed with a proper invitation to our wedding."

Also, put items 3, 4 and 1 first, in that order. Start with the big guns. Number 2, the snogging thing, can go last, or perhaps after the thing about getting embarassingly drunk

As for his behaviour, the threatening bit is one thing (one badthing), but not apologising afterwards just clinches it.

Good luck with the disinvitation and the wedding!

Frankly I would be really upfront with him and tell him that his behaviour at events is appalling due to being a tosser too much drink and that as a result you don't want him at your wedding. Maybe he is still young enough to change his ways re drinking before it starts to cause him more problems than social ones.