Am I being unreasonable to expect teenager to be home by 12?

[MadamedeSade]

My 16 year old wants more freedom. Any thoughts?

Is it for a one-off or as their normal getting-in time? Midnight is more than reasonable for the norm, later could be negotiated for particular occassions.

Thanks. He just doesn't want to have to commit to a time he'll be home! My husband thinks he will learn more if we let him decide, but I think it exposes him to extra risks.

Honestly, what kind of trouble can he get into after midnight that he can't get into before midnight?

I would have thought it would depend how he was getting home. When I was 16 my dad picked me up from wherever I was at whatever time (agreed beforehand obviously, I didn't ring him up at 2am and ask him to come out) and so my mum was quite relaxed about it as she always knew where I was and that I had a safe way to get home. The norm would be for him to collect me at 1am as that fitted in with his preferred bedtime. Also possibly depends where he's going and where you live i.e. how safe is it to be out and about/travelling home after midnight.

My 18 year old earned her freedom over the years by being reliable, letting me know what time she'd be in and making sensible arrangements about how to get home.
She knew that if she made me worried about her, Rapunzel would have looked free range by comparison. So she was and is open to discussion and negotiation and I've never been very worried.

I think it could be later, depending on circs - that part I'd be pretty laid back about.

BUT, what I do think he should be willing to do is to commit to a time. This is only reasonable and responsible. If, however, he is unable to tell you what the final arrangements are for some night out (teenagers are pretty lousy at advance organisation!) then I would expect him to text you during the evening to say what time you can expect him home.

Let him decide, but he must commit to whatever time he decides.

my twins (16yo) have a 10pm kerfew any night of the week. if there is something inparticular they want to do, i.e. a party, then they can stay out later as long as i get to know exactly where they are - perhapstake/ pick them up.

I agree with mumonthenet re committing - he's old enough to be responsible, and part of that responsibility is not having his parents worry unneccessarily. If he wants to be later than 12, it has to be agreed beforehand so that you are not worried.

I think it totally depends on what he's doing and where he is. I think that 12 is too late if he's hanging out on the street, but okay if he's in a friend's house watching a dvd.

My 17 year old hasn't a curfew as such, but around 12 I'll text him and see what's the story, when he plans on coming home, or what he's up to. Then we'll agree on a time. Sometimes he's in someone's house, and the dvd they're watching will be over in half an hour, so that's fine. Other times I'm not happy with where he is and will go pick him up then.

The thing about curfews IMO is not so much about what they can get up to after a certain time, but more about having respect for the rest of the family.

I'd guess not many parents can just go to sleep, whilst the DCs are out and not having the house locked up for the night. So if you've got to get up for work the next morning it's only fair on everyone that you agree a time for them to be in so that you're not either waiting up for them or being on call as an unpaid taxi at all hours.

Obviously weekends are different, especially if it's a special event but overall curfews make sure everyone knows where they stand.

During the week until I was 18 I had to be in by 12 but my parents were a bit stricter than some of my friends. Agree that there is a balance though between giving him a strict curfew and letting him do whatever he likes.

I think the approach suggested that you can be a bit flexible about the time as long as you know where he is, who he is with and what time he is planning to get back is a good one. Clearly things can change once he has gone out but only if he communicates with you. I actually don't think a text that might not be seen is good enough though - I think he should call.

I think you should pitch it that if he uses this extra freedom responsibly then you will ge more relaxed about this but that if he abuses it he will find he has less freedom.

You need to give him clear boundaries.

If you don't then how for instance will you know if he is in trouble, or just not coming home on time?

I'd suggest a decent time for week nights- is he at school? say 10 or 10.30, and later at weekend BUT it depends on what he is doing and who he is with.

It also depends on what time you go to bed, and if you are happy to go to sleep knowing he is still out.
What's he doing? too young for pubs. friends' houses?

wouldn't allow midnight if he is just hanging out on the streets.

All of these responses have been really helpful and positive- esp about negotiating and building on him being reliable & responsible about times - thanks, everyone.