to not want to make time for someone?

[Minimalist]

Namechanger!

I made friends with someone at a painting class about 4 years ago. We started meeting up about once a fortnight to paint together and help each other out with assignments. Our kids got on (only a little bit, mind you) which made it easy for us to get together and do a bit of painting while the kids played.

When the course finished, we decided to keep meeting up for a couple of hours every few weeks to keep our hand in with the painting, sometimes with the kids. All very nice.

In the last 2 years though, my situation has changed a bit. I had another daughter last year and I have also started a new job. Everything has had to be re-prioritised and, to be honest, I don?t have the inclination nor the time to paint any more. As the painting aspect falls by the wayside, I feel that the two of us (and our kids) actually have very little in common and I don?t really know why we?re meeting up any more TBH.

However, she still wants to meet up every 2 weeks and paint together, and is put out that I don?t. For the last 18 months, I?ve been lucky if I can scrape together the time to meet up for an hour once a month, and even then it?s been hard work. She gave me a break of about 2 months while I had the baby in 2008, but the first time we met up again afterwards she was actually in tears, saying that she was worried we wouldn?t be able to get together any more and so relieved that ?nothing has changed?. She also follows me around on Facebook; if I post a photo of myself at a party, but haven?t seen her for a month, she posts a pointed ?I?m glad to see you are finding time to see friends.?

She?s behaving as though I?ve broken some sort of friendship pledge, and it?s making me uncomfortable. I?ve been trying to just reduce contact, but I get an email every fortnight about how much she?s missing me, and since I hate upsetting people I always try to arrange something, even though I don?t really want to. Then I get irritable and resentful. Then I feel like a bitch.

On the other hand, if someone doesn?t return MY phone calls a few times, I tend to think ?Que sera, sera? and just leave them alone. I know that some friendships are longer than others, and that circumstances change. I can?t imagine staying in a friendship for years on end if I was the only one who ever suggested meeting up.

So what would you do? How do you tell a casual friend that it's over?

No idea what happened with the question marks there!!!

I think the problem is though that without the painting the OP doesn't want to be really good friends with this woman, so how do you tell her that without it sounding like a judgement on her character?

Thanks Riven, I was wondering if that might be kinder, but I have no idea what words to use.

I completely agree with Riven in principle but in reality I am far too much of a wimp
Why not practice on MN? Tell me I have no sensible suggestions and you don't want me on your thread!

and yes Stealth that's it - I would be really happy to meet up every few months and spend a nice afternoon painting together, but I feel like the other person wants to be bosom buddies. I really don't and was never looking for that.

If it was a romantic relationship, the whole thing would be much more cut and dried!

Princess, I can try that I suppose... I feel that she's a bit too "all or nothing" about things, though...

I've had it happen to me romantically, Riven, and I did feel like shite.

I'd be interested to hear how your situation resolved?

Whatever I do I'm going to hurt someone's feelings, and that feels horrible, but on the other hand it's deceitful (and knackering) to keep going along with someone like this.

She sounds needy to me and needy people can drain you.
Also, with no intention, they can manipulate you into feeling guilty.

I would tell her that with 2 children i have less time for hobbies and meet ups but this doesn't mean she should take it personal.

Maybe it would be easier if you didn't meet her on her own? So you could say "I'm really finding it hard to catch up with people now I am back at work but I'm having a few other friends over for coffee/a drink on the 18th - why don't you come along too". That way you are including her but not tied to a specific meet-up with just her involving the dcs. You might find her less intense in a group situation iyswim.

YANBU. I find when you have children etc your life changes so much and obviously with you having had another one and staring work. your time is very limited.

Could you not tell her that you just don't have time for painting anymore and you have decided to give it up as a hobby and are finding it really hard to keep up with seeing people? I find it really hard to say anything to anyone as I don't like confrontation, so I really don't envy you. I would probably be a wimp and keep putting her off with excuses and hope she gets the message.

I have found that I want to keep up with my close friends only now. I find it too draining to see casual aquaintances often. I see them a couple times a year but thats it.

Minimalist, I'd follow these steps....

1. Tell her that, between your new daughter and new job, your painting time is very limited (echoing Princess here).

If she scoffs at that...

2. Drop her like a hot brick.

Seriously, if she doesn't understand why you place more importance on spending time parenting or working for pay, then she's just beyond selfish. You're not telling her to drop dead, you're just putting your family and job first (as you should).

If she's really your friend she'll prefer some of your time to none of your time.