to think friendship is precious?

[supadoula]

After many months of silence, I got an email this morning from a friend whose daughter was my DD's best friend .
It turns out that she does not want to see us again because of an incident that happened where my DD showed her DD my DS's willy (he is 4).
I am not sure if it happened or when it happened but I was totally unaware of it therefore could not do anything about it...
Then came a list of all the things that she disapproved of me doing with my children and her children when I was looking after them.
I find it very upsetting and have been crying a lot over it.
I thought friends could tell each other anything and I want my DD to believe that friendship can last.
Why can't peeople just be honest to each other and talk it through before it's too late?

Doesn't sound as if she will be much of a loss for you.

How unpleasant of her.

Your last line says it all.

She has sat and festered on this for months and then emails you. Doesnt talk about it, or make it a bit light hearted but makes an issue out of it when it is too late for you to do anything about it.

She doesnt sound like a friend at all and that you are better off without her.

How very rude. SOunds like the kind of friend you could do with out to be honest. Anyone who did that to me would be getting a list back of their failings from me.

I agree with arizona, sounds like she doesn't like the kind of person you are, and that's not saying there's anything wrong with how you are or that you should change or anything!

If she disapproves so much it's probably better you haven't got her pulling faces at you whenever you do something with your children in front of her. And as for small children and willies, isn't that what they all do??

I don't think friendships are the be all and end all of everything, some people change and move on and others don't which can make a friendship pretty difficult, but you meet new people so it's all swings and roundabouts.

I always find it very sad as well when supposidly friends forget the basic rule of friendship: being honest with each other.

I do not mean to be nosy but what sort of things where on her list? Is it something that would haveupset you as weel if things had been the other way round? Could the "willy" incident have been the last drop( ie she did not actually seriously mind theother things but after that thought enough is enough!)?

I had a friend who was really unreliable but because she was my friend I sort of let go, as isolated incidents there was no point to actually talk about them as not that bothering. Until one day she seriously let me down one times to many and I angrily let her know that was the last time this would happen. We still say hello to each other or have chitchat about the wether but nothing more, and I do not wish for more either.

Some friendships last for a lifetimes some only survive because one is doing all the effort and some other are meant to be lasting for as long as things go well or that both parties are living the same situation.

Thing is about being honest with friends is that if you're honest about everything, you're not friends with them for long, as the OP is finding out.

I've got a great friend I've known for 20 years, and I've found that it's best not to be honest about everything as there are some things she doesn't want to be told, which is fair enough.

Eg, she breaks up with a bloke, then gets back together with them, if I start saying WTF are you doing this bloke is a wanker every time, she just gets all shitty about it.

So I know from experience, if I want to stay friends with her, which I do, then I keep certain things to myself. It's something I don't mind doing though as I'm not the kind of person who feels they have to voice everything in their mind.

I did not mean honesty as "criticisme" of what their all their chices in life are, only to let know that some thing that have consequences for both friends IYSWIM. If I had told my frend after the first time she let me down "It's not a big deal but that I would have appreciated her having more consideraton for me" instead of just "it is not a big deal" and keeping the rest for myself, chances are we would still be friend now. But like OP's friend I did not says anything for a looong time, until it was really to much for me to take and she was probably as surprised as OP was.

I would reply saying that you're rather angry to find out about this 'incident' with the DC's months later when it's very hard to say or do anything about it (although, yes that is what kids do). Also, you're sorry to hear about the other stuff but feel let down that she felt the need to make a list of these things without talking them through with you. Therefore, it's clear that there isn't a way forward with this friendship and wish her all the best. simples!

I know it's hard to lose a friendship but you really are better off, I've had similar situations but realised in the long run that I'm better off without having somebody put me down all the time (I found out behind my back too!), rather than talk things through face to face.

I'm interested as to how it got to 'months of silence', did you make any attempts to contact her in that time? Has she just completely ignored you for that long?

this is a perfect example why I don't have many "friends" I think true friends who are totally honest with you and you can share anything with them are very few and far between (I only have one and count myself extremely lucky to have her).
Just move on, she's not worth the tears.

Thank you for all your answers.
I am still very upset about it but trying to let go. Yes, my DD played with his willy; yes I let my DD and her best friend play in the field in front of the house on their own for 10 minutes!
It took me 6 months and many texts / emails to get to the bottom of it.
I shall move on!