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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend was being unfair and didn't really know what she was talking about?

27 replies

minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 09:59

Went for an early eve drink with her this week. She's childless and single (teensy bit bitter about it imo) and so I deliberately try to talk about stuff other than children with her so she doesn't get bored. However she's ds's Godmother so she asked about him (she does really like children, she's not anti-child like some of my other childless mates). Was talking about the struggle I had putting them both to bed simulaneously last fri eve ( have 3 yr old dd as well).

explained ds was crying, loudly and couldn't settle him and dd was getting upset because he was crying and she wanted a story and it was hard to leave him to deal with her or vice versa. Ended up (and haven't had to do this before was a difficult night) calling dh (he was out playing badminton) and asking him to give me a hand. Felt extra pressure as we had a babysitter booked and wanted them both settled before she arrived.

Friend then said "don't you think you spoil them a bit" I was but asked what she meant. she said "why don't you just leave one of them sort the other out and let them get on with it, it won't hurt them". I explained I didn't really like to leave an 11 week old baby screaming himself to sleep and logistically leaving dd whilst sorting ds was hard as she's 3 and can cause all sorts of shenanigans whilst I'm bf/settling ds. Also i can't physically make her stay in her room, she's 3! She then asked what was wrong with leaving ds to cry for a bit, I said he was too little and she just looked . I explained i did leave him to grizzle sometimes for a few minute after putting him down but not proper crying/screaming and even if i had dd would have been up telling me he was crying and refusing to stay on bed until he was ok (she's v protective and loving towards him!).

Sorry for length of post just wanted to give a bit of context. I know she's entitled to her own opinion but part of me thinks she should have kept it to herself! Saying i spoil them was quite hurtful and tbh she hasn't got a bloody clue, she's no experience of this.

I myself make a point of not voicing opinions on things i know nothing about, even if i think them as i don't think it's my place. AIBU to think she was a bit out of order??

OP posts:
littleducks · 11/12/2009 10:06

I wouldnt have called dh to help, i would have got on with it and bfed ds on dd bed while reading dd story (in fact i did this daily as dh was never there at bedtime when ds was new)

However i dont think you were spoiling them at all, if you wanted a hand and dh was happy to do it (badminton isnt exactly work) and presumerably if a babysitter was coming you both had an evening out planned so its not like he would be losing out on relaxation

And your ds is quite small so if you are still getiing the hang of it (which is hard as babies that age are always changing what they need and routines etc) so i think you should temporarily be beyond criticism

Longtinsellyjosie · 11/12/2009 10:07

She just doesn't understand because she hasn't been there yet. You have to let it wash over you, just like you wouldn't let someone in a different career make you worry about how you do your job - you'd just think "you're not a lawyer/ accountant, you don't understand how it works".

pippaNnippa · 11/12/2009 10:11

yabu- sorry but like you say she has no clue but if you don't want her oppinion don't ask for it. The programmes like nanny 911 etc just go on about tough love etc and she may have though she was giving good advice.

You sound like you are doing a good job handeling two small children- she wont understand until she experiences it herself.

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 10:14

littleducks that's my usual strategy quite often fly solo at bedtime! Dd usually has a story whilst bf ds/cuddling both and whilt he feeds she usually drop off to sleep on my shoulder (in our bed). the transfer ds to moses and carry dd to her own bed. However I think the time pressure of babysitter coming was making me anxious and making whole situation worse. ds has changed from last week and this week is a lot more settled in eve (fingers crossed!).

Am doubling up this eve too, so hope it works out better tonight!

OP posts:
Original poster
minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 10:18

pippaknippa wasn't asking for her opinion just having a chat . If I want someones opinion I just ask them "what do you think?".

she's done some stuff (such as copping off with a bloke her other mate had his eye on) that i was a bit about but because she wants an understanding ear i keep my opinions to myself (understandably this other gril no longer speaks to my friend, friend is dutifully mortified about it).

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 11/12/2009 10:20

your 2nd sentance said it all - she is childless. Therefore unless she has vast child experience from growing up as a much older sibling or her work or some other source then she has no idea. She can't be expected to understand, it is outside of her life experience.
move on.

louii · 11/12/2009 10:23

I have a friend like this, when she has her own kids i will remind her of all the inane comments she made about my parenting ways.

teameric · 11/12/2009 10:24

what ChasingSquirrels said

Acinonyx · 11/12/2009 10:25

I've had some advice from childfree friends. One of my oldest, closest friends helpfully suggested that I should smack my 3 yr-old dd to get her into her bath . And she wonders why she's NOT dd's guardian .

It's very frustrating but you just have to let it wash over you. Although you didn't ask for advice, if you talk about a problem of any kind, it tends to invite advice - whether wanted or not.

TulipsAndTinsel · 11/12/2009 10:25

at you calling your dh to come home!

i'm as against cc with young babies as it's possible to be but at the same time they do have to learn that they can't have 100% of your attention if there are siblings.

both my younger two simply had to shout it out while i did bedtime with the older child/ren and then they got my undivided attention once the older one/s were in bed.

it's not nice listening to a baby shout while you try and get on with things but neither is it fair on the older child to know that baby is always more important than them.

3 years is definitely old enough to be put to bed and told to stay there btw. ds1 is 3 and knows if he gets out of bed after he's been put down he'll get into trouble, he's known this for years an it means that when i put him and dd (4) to bed they stay there and i have peace and quiet to get ds2 settled.

your friend might not have kids but that doesn't completely invalidate her advice, crying won't hurt you ds... however ringing dh every time it gets a bit tough is ridiculous.

mrsjammi · 11/12/2009 10:26

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NotAnotherNewNappy · 11/12/2009 10:27

YANBU. You'll have a good laugh when she finally has her own kids.

mrsjammi · 11/12/2009 10:27

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 10:27

she's mates with my sister who's alsi single and childless and when they're together they constantly go on about "selfish couple behaviour" and other stuff rah rah rah. I feel I have to be really careful about what i say re relationships/children so i don't upset them. More than once I've had "it's ok for you you're not single" thrown at me.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 11/12/2009 10:28

she's got no idea what you're talking about

You need to AVOID this sort of boring detailed child-talk with childless people

Say something cheery about how one of them did a poo on the carpet and then change the subject

rubyslippers · 11/12/2009 10:30

i at some of the things i thought/said before I had children

FWIW, i have a 9 week old and 3 year old and juggling them both is a PITA at times

i don't think she was out of order TBH and i think you may being a wee bit over sensitive which you are allowed to be seeing as you are stressed and sleep deprived

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 10:36

jsut to add the only reason i called dh home was becaues of the babysitter and I wanted us to have our evening out. He was 5 minutes walk away playing badminton and it was no trouble for him. Had we not had a night out planned or he'd been at work I would have carried on on my own as I have done several times.

tulipsandtinsel with respect ds is 11 weeks old, far too young to "learn" about attention and all that. If you are implying that babies can "learn" about this kind of thing and that not "teaching" them is poiling them then I'm afrid you're wrong. At 6 months maybe, NOT at 11 weeks . There are various sources of decent evidence to back this up, written by professionals in the field.

Also yes 3 is old enough to be told stay in bed, and she does with some psrseverance on our part, she's v strong willed. It was just a lot quicker and easier and meant we could go out on time if dh came back. he didn't mind and it sorted everything out double quick. The previous weekend I'd been on my own the whole time as he'd been away at a wedding and I managed fine. A few friend asked whey I didn't call them I said i didn't want to trouble them, also i didn't need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 10:39

I do deliberately avoid talking to her about kid stuff but she asked, in future though I'll be brief and do a quick subject chnage, if she wants to know how they are I'll say "fine" and move on!

OP posts:
potplant · 11/12/2009 10:47

Child rearing is the easiest thing in the world when you don't have them.

I'm at let them sort each other out!

AvrilH · 11/12/2009 11:00

If I never made suggestions regarding stuff I know very little about, I'd be very quiet.

Isn't that how conversations go? You ask questions, offer suggestions, show interest. She was being very patient. Before I became a mother, my eyes would have glazed over at a detailed account of a parent's bedtime routine.

Mandy1966 · 11/12/2009 11:03

Let her have them for the weekend, she'll soon find out its not as easy as it looks.. bless her

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 11/12/2009 11:05

Sounds like you think she's a selfish bitch so whatever she says will be selfish bitchiness. Which makes me wonder why you are still socialising with her anyway, is it because you are too nice to dump friends you don't much like, or do you get a warm glow of moral satisfaction out of being a Better Person (wifeandmother not singlebitterbitch)?

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 11:09

she is a good friend and does seem to want to talk about stuff to do with the children and she's lovely with them when she's with them. she'd asked "what's it like managing 2 of them on your own?" cos prior to ds's birth i was pretty anxious about it!

she was thinking of having a child anyway regardless of no partner although she'd not worked out the logistics of it. She said seeing how hard it is first hand has put her off!

OP posts:
Original poster
minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 11:13

don't think she's a selfish bitch at all! She's v caring although a bit grumpy at times. Also v interesting person, good conversationalist.

just gets on my nerves a bit when her and my sister start their "all couples are evil" rants, feel like i have to apologise for being in one!

Also I'm sometimes v of her freedom, social life etc. grass is always greener and all that!

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Original poster
minxofmancunia · 11/12/2009 11:17

i was prob being a bit over sensitive, i'll admit. I suppose I don't really give advice unless it's directly asked for, even if the tone of the conversation invites it.

in my job i've been conditioned not to give direct advice and i suppose it's spilled over into real life

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