to think that sharing can be pushed a bit too much sometimes?

[Brunettelady]

I am all for teaching children to share, obviously. But I also understand that when they are young, they don't get the concept at all as toddlers are 'selfish' and can only see what they want.

Sometimes I think parents maybe go a bit too far in teaching them to share. For example, if a child is actually playing with a toy and another child wants it, is it right to force the child to give it to the other child for a bit as they want it? Also if a child is playing with 2 cars and is actually playing with both, is it right for another mum to come and take one car off the child just because their child wants it (then loses interest as soon as they have it).
Obviously if a child has 5 cars (like my DS does, as he goes around and collects them all) then yes, it is NU to get him to give 1 or 2 up. (By the way, all of the above is not my DS, just some observations I have made).

Xmas we are going to my nans for dinner and various relatives come throughout the day. My DS is 22 months and my cousins DS is 11 months. I know some of the toys my DS has got from other relatives and he is going to really love them. My DS is also at the age where he obviously doesn't want to share. I don't want to bring on a huge tantrum by forcing him to share his new toys with a much younger child that is going to put everything in his mouth. I can see my (teenage) cousin being funny about it if I don't make my son share, as the last time we were there, my DS shouted loudly and made cousins DS cry and my cousin was furious all afternoon and I caught him actively trying to kick a ball at my DS.

Not quite sure whether I should make him share or just say from the beginning that his new toys are no negotiable with regards to sharing.

Thats suppose to be 'non negotiable' at the end.

My dc (3 of them and lots of visiting cousins and children we look after a lot) are allowed to have a few "special" toys which they never have to share, and the majority of toys have to be shared nicely with visitors. This works well, they can choose what's special.

I completely agree with you.

There is such a huge onus on 'sharing' and 'playing nicely together' these days - even in nurseries run by professionals, where you would think they would know a bit about child development. Expecting a very young child to share is completely futile, and actually goes against most theories of child development. There is no way a 22 month old can have any meaningful idea - really - of how to share.

Encourage sharing by all means, but I wouldn't punish or chastise (or even comment on) a child not sharing at this age. And by all means, if he has toys that are his, say from the outset that these are his 'favourites' and for peace and quite ;let's just let him get on with it. It's not like the 11 month old will actually mind, anyway. They are so easily distracted at that age.

DS has some stuff that is his and he doesn't have to share. I hate sharing, I am one of 6 and nothing was ever really mine so hate it hate it hate it.

You know what? My spoiled only child is the first to hand over his stuff for someone else to play with, without my prompting. I don't push sharing but it does seem to happen quite naturally if you let it.

I do think though that if you have "special" toys that you won't insist you children share they should be put away out of sight when visitors come. It used to drive me mad that my friend never made her son share toys with my son when they played together (the toy in Q was always "special" to him) but my son shared his toys the other way round.

However, in the example you gave I don't think a child should be forced to relinquish a toy straightaway just because another wants it. I prefer to encourage turn-taking in that scenario- perhaps using a timer.

I do see the point you're making BUT at 22 months in my opinion you can say to im in advance 'when you get your pressies remember X might want a wee shot of them too and you should let him have a look because then youre a very lucky boy and get to take them home with you and keep them'. This is what we did last Xmas with ds and his cousins (he was 24m at the time) and it worked well.

When we have friends round though he is allowed to put a couple of special toys away to 'keep safe'.

Waiting - I see your point about X wanting to have a look, but then how do you get the toy back from an 11 month old who will keep it and chew it for ages, while your DS has a tantrum (I don't give in to tantrums BTW, just in case it sounded like I do).

I have been thinking about this a lot of late, having a 4yr old DD and 10mth old DS and seeing the future 'sharing' joy that is likely to bring.

As an adult I am not expected to share my things, and it is right that people ask if they can use my stuff. So why shouldn't that be the case for children? But I'm grappling a bit with how I engender a sense of generosity and wanting to share and play with toys together alongside 'that's my toy and I don't have to share it'.

Perhaps the special toys that you don't have to share is the right route with everything else up for sharing. DOes that work.

As and aside but related story, my DNeice came over with SIL on DD's birthday and immediately wanted to play with DD's brand new double buggy - her favourite present. SIL started to say 'you need to share MyCatDD, let DN have a turn'. I actually said no at this point. It was DD's birthday present, she had been given it that day and why the hell should she share it, particularly on that day. As an adult you would not be expected to do this at all.

I cannot stand the whole sharing thing. Ds is 7 now, so it's not really an issue anymore, but I spent the whole of his toodler-hood sitting at toddler groups saying 'share nicley' through gritted teeth.

There are times when of course, sharing should be encouraged cannot think of examples as had three hours sleep but some parents/nursery workers get obsessive about it.

Although, ds has kind of been ok. As an only child he has always got that he has the toys to himself all the time, so when he does have a friend over, they can paly with what they like as he will have it all to himself soon enough.

Bugs me though. As an adult, if someone wants one of my cakes, or wants a go on my laptop, they can feck off . Poor kids wouldn't get away with that.

I think you're right to say that your ds's new toys are not for sharing. I'm sure your cousin won't be sharing his new toys presents on Christmas Day, will he?

I have 3 dc's under 5 so there are inevitably a lot of quarrels over toys.

I mainly try and work out who had the toy first and let them play with it. If it is dd2 who is 19mo I will say to the older ones that dd2 had it first and she wants to play with it so they will have to wait/get something else.

If it is one of the older ones I will either ask them if they would like to let x have a turn or let x have it when they have finished with it. Usually they hand it over pretty quickly.

I think why should they give up something that they are playing with, especially at this age when they only want something because someone else has got it.

I think the far more important lesson to learb=n is that they can't have everything they want straight away but have to as nicely if they would like a turn of that toy. If the answer is no then they will have to wait.

I once read that it was like your dh getting a new farrari for Xmas and the neighbour coming round and asking for the keys - so he could have his 'turn'!

What's with the (teenage) cousin? What has teenage got to do with anything?

However I do agree with you. I don;t like the forced sharing. I think children that age have an understandable proprietoriousness about their own belongings, looking at it from their point of view it must seem unfair to have to share their things. And to be honest what is the point with trying to reason with a toddler? When they are 3 and up they are able to understand the concept of sharing, younger than that I think you are just fighting a losing battle and will have screams.

My dd is an only child, never forced her to share and tbh she has grown up to willingly share her stuff anyway when she was older. But that may be bexcause she was born with a nice generous bnature as opposed to any parenting input on my behalf!

Just say this to your cousin. Make sure your cousin's baby has a load of (chewable) toys of his own. Tell her that you don;t want your child to share and it shouldn't be expected. Say all of this before all the toys come out.

TBH you do sound a bit scathing towards your teenage mum cousin, so whatever you do try not to patronise her. This may be the root of her being pissed off in the past. I say this as I was a teenage mum myself all those years ago, and people did look down on me and speak to me as if I was a blithering idiot. Still rankles 14 years later.

Think just invented the word proprietoriousness. Oh well, you know what I mean

Isn't a lot of it nor so much about teaching sharing (though that is a side effect) than managing the desires of two people who don't have an idea of ownership or much empathy?
They can't negotiate so you have to help them.

I think that since the toys will be new to your Ds then he should not have to share them on that day, that is unfair.

Also won't the 11 mth childhave new toys of his own anyway.

I don't think the problem here is the 11 mo or the 22 mo but the teenage cousin (and I'd got the impression from the OP's first post that this was the dad, not the mum, and tbh sounds like a bit of an arse - maybe the "teenage" bit was to explain why he's a bit of an arse).

TBH if my teenage cousin was kicking anything at my DC with the intention of hurting him, whatever the provocation, the next thing being kicked would be teenage cousin himself.

I utterly missed that bit about the teenage cousin being male and kicking a ball. What a twat. Kick him!

think GOMLs got it about right (the sharing bit, not the kicking cousin bit, though obviously am huge supporter of both posts) - tell TC that presents given "on the day" won't be shared (and that it cuts both ways), but that you don't mind sharing older toys.

Doesn't your nan have a toy box anyway - all my rellies have toys for when DCs visit (not mine, as they're now teenagers, but the smaller ones).

OP totally NU.

Brilliant illustration here

I'm glad people think I'm NU and there are some great things on here I can say to pre warn the new toys will not be shared. I was also glad to see that people don't really like the whole sharing thing, and that as adults we wouldn't share our new car etc. Those posts did make me laugh, but I'd never even thought of it that way.

Lola, yes 'share nicely' through gritted teeth, I can relate to that!

Vezzie, great illustration.

Also it is my male cousin and I did put in the (teenage) bit to explain why he is a TOTAL ARSE. That doesn't really cover it but thats a whole other story. Yes I would dearly love to kick him and if I ever catch him kicking my DSs ball like that again, I will not hesitate to smack him in the face, I'm also asuming that no one here would have a problem with that.

Getorf, I am totally scathing of my cousin and have no problem saying that. He is not a nice person and many of would cheerfully never see him again, but he does insist on hanging around.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

YANBU, I have 3 DC's,(DD 11yo, DS1 7yo, DS2 6yo) and birthday presents are NEVER shared at all until the birthday girl or boy has played with them. After that it's up to them to sort out between them. If DS2 wants to borrow DS1's computer game and DS1 says no, it's DS1's personal property, and it's up to him who gets to use it. Works very well, and surprisingly, since they were 12 mo(DS2) and 30 mo(DS1), there's not been a problem, and before that, the birthday rule still stood, and with older toys, I just watched to see who had it first. I don't and never have tolerated snatching, and would never expect a child under 2 1/2 to even attempt to grasp the concept of taking turns. They all actually share VERY well, with no real intervention from me. Just say before any presents are opened that they will not be shared, they are new.

I wouldn't force a preschool age child to share a new toy. However if friends/ cousins are visiting I would expect him to share. If there are toys the spprog doesn't want shared then they are put away.
My kids generally like having people play with their toys and get bored playing on their own.
Forcing an older cahild to "share" a toy with a younger child who is too young to play with the toy and only wants it because the younger child has it is unreasonable and I think some parents are unfair on their older kids.