Homesick

[miffmoff]

Last year we moved closer to DH's work. Before he had to commute 1.5 hrs (one way) and rarely made it back home to see the kids.
But I absolutely loved where we lived. We lived there for nearly 10 years and I was/am so in love with the place that I always said I did not want to move anywhere else.
But then we had the second child who woke up 5 times a night every night and just cried and cried and cried... DH started sleeping in the living room, which hurt me quite bit because I felt like I was doing it all alone. (To be fair, he was commuting a long way and I understood - but emotionally it still hurt.) Our older child was not going to nursery at that time so I had no rest during the day. Both of our families live abroad so we did not have any family support either. So I finally gave in and agreed to move. I was desperate.

Now DH's commute is only 30 mins but then he got busier at work (he's a bit of a workaholic too) and although he comes back early enough to see the kids and give me a hand about twice a week it is not as early or as often as I hoped for.

During this summer I had a really hard project from my client and had to work till 2pm almost every day for 3 months. Which made me slightly depressed and exhausted. And then DH got madly busy leaving me alone with the kids for about a month, which made me feel really bitter as wan't it the whole point of moving here so that he can help me...?

And now I am feeling terriblly homesick. I want to go back where we used to live.
Where we live now, you really want to be driving but I do not drive. I feel stuck and isolated, away from all my friends. And I hate being dependant on DH's driving to go anywhere beyond the high street.
Here everyone drives even for a very short distance and I feel very uncomfortable with the idea too. (I'm quite ecologically-minded.)
Big roads and many cars depress me. Everyone suggests I should take up driving, and it's probably a right thing to do, but I HATE driving (have a licence but never driven after passing the test).
And I feel like I will turn into something I don't want to become if I actually start driving here. I cannot explain, but that's how I feel.

Where we used to live was a very leafy area and I miss the common at the back of our old house, where you can never hear the noise of traffic. I miss the green and parks and shops I could just walk to.
There are many many many other things I miss, I even miss the post office, trees on the street, a shop assistant at a book shop, croissants from a baker, a cafe at M&S... Sounds silly but it's all true. It was my home.

This has got so bad that I am now crying everyday. Went to GP and as soon I opened my mouth tears streamed out my eyes. I am now taking pills for my stomach ache (too much acid due to stress) but not antidepressant, and on the waiting list for counselling.
I don't feel suicidal or anything but very sensitive and tearful.
DH is being understanding and considering the option of going back but he would like to stay here if we can help it. Which is understandable as he gets to spend more time with the kids here...

The kids are quite settled here, the local schools are excellent, DH does not have to spend such a long time commuting... There are so many reasons to stay, and the only reason to move back is that I'm not happy here.

I feel immensely guilty and selfish wanting to go back because if we did move back I'd be forcing DH to commute a long way again depriving him of precious time with kids as well as forcing the kids to leave their friends. And it would cost us a lot of money as well.

Should I just endure? Will things get better?
I know I should be grateful just to have a loving, caring and hard-working husband and two beautiful kids and a house to live in.
But I feel so alien and unsettled here and don't know whether I will ever stop feeling like this.
And I love my old town. That's where my heart belongs and it's really aching me.

I don't know what to do - guess I should wait for the counselling but just wanted to let it out...

Thanks and sorry about self-pittying gibbles,

Oh poor you. It's really hard to live somewhere you're not happy and it's totally understandable that you miss your friends and your previous life, but as you say it's working for everyone else so not an easy decision to make.

It's easy sometimes to remember things with rose tinted glasses, so firstly I guess you need to think long and hard about the negatives as well as the positives of where you used to live (there must be some!).

Also, things move on. People change, kids grow up, new people take over your beloved favourite restaurant etc. You could end up moving back and still not being completely happy. Ultimately I guess you need to sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel and see if you can come up with some strategies together to see if things could be better for you where you are now. I know you say you don't want to drive, but it sounds like it's going to be a constant barrier to you getting on with your life in the new place. Could you try and see how it goes?

We bought a house this year basically to make DH's commute simple. I wanted to live near the beach where most of my kids' friends from school live and have that cool, Sydney, Northern Beaches lifestyle. That would have meant DH leaving the house at 6am every morning rather than 7.55, and enduring a long bus journey back home again. DH and the kids fell in love with this house, I didn't, but it has loads of space which makes family life with three kids easy. It's all about compromise while still keeping enough of the core of who you are to keep yourself sane. I hope you can work something out!

Hello. I really, really feel for you as I am in the same situation and have been for the past three years. Apart from we didn't have to move 200 miles away from home, it was my own stupid, snap decision (wanted a big house in the counry) and I have regretted it every day since. We have no chance of moving back due to money issues and the fact it would be so hard to sell the house.

I am on medication for stomach trouble caused by stress as well. It is horrible.

But Sunny delight is right when she says "things move on. People change, kids grow up, new people take over your beloved favourite restaurant etc. You could end up moving back and still not being completely happy". I tried so hard to keep in touch woth friends, but thier lives moved on, their kids started school, they met new people. (DS is home educated which makes things much harder for me). If I moved back I would be in the same boat as I am here.

Sorry, not much help, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone on your situation.

Do you really need to drive?

It perhaps depends what you mean by "short distances"

Would cycling be any good?

Hello, thank you everyone for your warm kind messages. It's also good to know that I'm not the only one in this situation (though I have enormous sympathy for anyone going through this...).

Yes I have wondered whether I'm just idealizing my old home and I may be just as depressed after going home. But the thing is, I'd rather be depressed there than here!
And I know it's not really about friends either as I did not have many friends there. I miss being surrounded by green, and that's a very big factor.
I have made some friends here at my older child's nursery and they are nice people but I probably have no qualms about leaving them if I can go back - isn't that terrible?

I think the problem I'm having is more like bereavement than difficulties with settling in. I loved my old town so much that it's grilling me that I'm not there.
The place I live in now is very different from my old town but actually is not a bad place at all. I find it inconvenient because I don't drive but the high street has enough shops so I can just about get by. (Otherwise we wouldn't have moved here.)
Everybody says it's a twee little town and I guess it is... I just don't feel it.
I almost imagine whether leaving the love of your life behind and marrying somebody else for convenience would feel like this.

Cycling I can certainly do, but as my younger child is still staying at home I need to get a bicycle with a child seat.
And the big super market is at the bottom of a hill and about 30-40 mins walk, coming back up hill loaded with shopping and a 2-year old may be a bit challenging...
But even as I'm writing this I know it's an excuse. It's not really about convenience. I just do not want to settle here.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I have an option of going back exactly where we were because we kept the old house. If I had no option I may have resigned to the fact I'm here for good (or for a quite long time at least) and made an effort. But the thought that I can actually go back if I really really really wanted to (which I do!!) is killing me.
DH's commuting, schools, finance are the main reasons that are stopping me and I know it is a sensible choice to stay here.
I'm always telling myself, "If I love my family I should be able to do it. There's nothing wrong with this town, why am I not happy?"

I so regret agreeing to move... If I had persevered another couple of months my DC would have started sleeping better and things would've been different. But it's too late, we moved and we are here.
Here or there, I just want to wake up in the morning and think "Oh I love where I live" like I used to. Or maybe I was spoilt there...

What keeps me going is the fact that when the kids leave home (in 16 years time!) or DH changes his job we can go back there. But 16 years! If I lived there for 16 years I would probably accept all the changes as they happen but in 16 years it would be like another move to a strange place.

I'm gibbling again. Sorry. It's just everybody I know here loves it here. So I can't tell them "Actually I don't like it here much" because... well, it's not nice is it?

An estate agent is coming tomorrow and myself and DH are going to have a chat over the weekend.
When we moved here a friend of mine back there told me "what's meant to be is meant to be, isn't it?" I guess it is. I'll see what comes out of it.