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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to get nephew and niece presents this christmas?

23 replies

drivinmecrazy · 09/12/2009 12:46

BIL & SIL seem to have completely forgotten DD1s birthday yesterday, after forgetting DD2s birthday in the summer.
I remember to send a card and money to both nephew and niece, I also make sure I remember their 2 step brothers as well.
We don't live near to them, but see them every six weeks or so.
Am also absolutely livid that BIL told MIL few weeks ago that he would give DD2 2 presents this christmas to make up for it, but she's only 4. She won't comprehend what the 2nd present is for.
I have told DH if he wants to get them a present he can sort it out. AIBU when I sort every one elses gifts out but pointedly refuse to have anything to do with theirs?
I know i am being slightly petty, but missing dd1s birthday yesterday was just the final straw. No card or even a phone call. Stuff the lot of them

OP posts:

Alambil · 09/12/2009 12:49

Well, it's not the kids' fault is it?

famishedass · 09/12/2009 12:49

YANBU - let your dh buy ALL the presents for his side of the family.

mumof2point5 · 09/12/2009 12:50

yanbu. get dh to sort them out.

biglips · 09/12/2009 12:54

just remember that its not the kids fault that their parents forgets. I would still carry on sending them presents.

MuppetsMuggle · 09/12/2009 12:58

I have this problem with certain people within my family I know its not the kids fault but why should I go out of my way and save the extra money for there presents and they can't be bothered with my DD.

So I don't bother now, with birthdays or xmas's.

So I wouldn't bother but if your DH still thinks you should then get him to sort it out.

meemar · 09/12/2009 12:59

agree it's not the kids fault.

Also you don't give in order to receive. Not buying someone a present when you normally would, just because they didn't buy you one, seems a bit petty.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 09/12/2009 13:00

Very petty, this is a regular occurrence within my family.

Pheebe · 09/12/2009 13:03

Do your kids have a mental list of who has and hasn;t sent them bday presents? I suspect not. It might upset you but don't make a big deal out of it and don't take it out on their kids.

AnAngelWithin · 09/12/2009 13:04

agree its not the kids fault. Maybe just buy them a token gift, some chocolate or something, and not get anything for the BIL and SIL. Maybe put that its from your kids to their kids? They might get the idea then?

meemar · 09/12/2009 13:13

My BIL and SIL missed both boys birthdays this year and when our baby girl was born in October we didn't receive even a card from them.

I'm still sending them and my nephew their christmas presents though. It would feel odd not to because despite their slackness with gestures they are still close family.

OrmIrian · 09/12/2009 13:15

Well DH should be doing it for his family but yes YABU and petty.

Original poster

drivinmecrazy · 09/12/2009 13:17

Am thinking will just stick a tenner in each of the children's cards rather than make any more effort. They are all in their teens so I'm sure they can find something to put it towards. I do feel pretty miserly but don't want to waste any effort which is never reciprocated.

OP posts:

sdr · 09/12/2009 13:17

As others said it is not kids fault, just remember "what goes around comes around". My SIL completely forget two DD's birthdays this year - oldest is a teenager and now sadly wants nothing much to do with them. As she said, didn't mind not getting a present, but even a text would have been nice.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 09/12/2009 13:23

My BIL, sister and my brother all called on ds2's b'day to say Happy Birthday and that they'd give him an extra present at Christmas. For the first time I was actually a bit hurt. If it had been one of them then ok, but all three? The only aunt/uncle who sent something lives abroad!

DS didn't notice though, and I would never not get their DCs something.

Next year I will make a point of reminding them before his birthday, and point out what happened this year (as all of them think they were a one off and he only missed out on one gift IYSWIM).

Not worth holding a grudge over.

MuppetsMuggle · 09/12/2009 13:31

Oh don't get me wrong I always send cards to each of them, but I don't enclose a pressie. My DD doesn't even get cards - shes the only one who doesn't but then she doesn't notice now.

paisleyleaf · 09/12/2009 13:32

We don't do birthday presents for nieces and nephews (unless they're local). But we do make sure we all get together over christmas and give presents.
But that's fine, as that's what we all do and we all know it.

oldwoman · 09/12/2009 13:36

If you don't bother with niece and nephew, you'll perpetuate the problem. If you get them something (they are only kids, so you shouldn't take it out on them anyway), your BIL/SIL might pull their socks up in future. Don't make yourself as bad as them.

My 3.9yo DS has a little speech delay and mild autism and would definitely understand if told that he has 2 Christmas presents because so and so missed his birthday so I am sure if you try with your 4yo DD, she'll understand fine.

FabIsVeryHappy · 09/12/2009 13:40

I would buy for the niece and nephew but not the parents. I do all the cards and presents for DH's family and what annoys me is when some people have never sent my children a birthday card, not bothered about gifts but a card would be nice. Also, we never get thank you notes from some people when we send gifts.

GroundHoHoHogs · 09/12/2009 18:54

Buy the BIL/SIL a bloody calendar and mark your DDs birthdays on it!

florence2511 · 09/12/2009 19:01

GroundHoHoHogs has the best idea so far - appeals to my wicked sense of humour.

Tizzyjacko · 09/12/2009 19:09

The year after my SIL gave us hastily recycled gifts (a mobile phone accessory for a 3yo and Guiness book of records for me, ie presents their 11yo didnt want) we gave the whole family a toilet - from one of the Oxfam charitable gift catelogues. It went down like a bucket of cold sick

Docbunches · 09/12/2009 19:19

I know how you feel because my DB and his partner, never remember my two DCs' birthdays and yet I have always sent birthday cards and gifts/money to their DCs -a total of six plus one grandchild.

It annoys me slightly but not enough to lose sleep over.

Secretly, I can't wait until each of them turn 18 as that's when we have agreed to stop doing presents.

But yes, sometimes it feels like one-way traffic.

Pikelit · 09/12/2009 20:57

YANBU in being sad on behalf of your children. But in terms of presents, everyone knows that the world is equally divided between good givers and bad ones. It is horrid when your children are on the wrong side of this line but mainly it is parents whose feelings hurt the most and for the longest.Children are very resilient and tend to just get on with accepting things.

YABU to consider any sort of reciprocal sanctions though. For starters you are consciously penalising blameless children (a far nastier act than mere forgetfulness) but also teaching the malign lesson that presents exist to be used as weapons.

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