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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL gifts to adult children

21 replies

Vivia · 09/12/2009 10:24

Oh how I love a good rant about PIL on here.

My DH has one brother who is married. So PIL buy gifts for DH, my BIL, my SIL, and me. This year we have done Christmas very early as we will be abroad from tomorrow. Our presents from PIL were the same yet not...

BIL: Rare 25yr old malt whisky, crystal decanter, and four whisky glasses, plus a membership to the whisky society

SIL: A cooking holiday (including course payment) for her and BIL to France

DH: Tesco Value malt whisky

Me: Tesco chocolate seashells

If our presents were standalone I would truly not complain. It's the stark contrast that makes me so very for DH, particularly when we opened them together in awkward silence.

AIBU to think that this is unfair and unnecessary?

OP posts:
Restrainedrabbit · 09/12/2009 10:26

YANBU, is there history here of favouring one brother over the other?

pippa251 · 09/12/2009 10:33

are you being punished for going abroad?

Are you moving abroad and they think you'd not want extra stuff to pack?

pippa251 · 09/12/2009 10:33

do both sets of you have children?

Original poster
Vivia · 09/12/2009 10:37

I should have probably given background. My BIL hates his parents and avoids them - my MIL is rather poisonous in her attitudes towards us. She has serious issues with DH and I having our doctorates: she is constantly bringing our education and careers with bitter and bitchy remarks. It's awful and embarrassing. The first time I met her in a posh-to-the-extent-it-made me-nervous restaurant, she screamed: 'He's a bad son! You ended up with the bad son of mine! Such a fuck-up he's just got his books to think about, you stupid fucking cow! My other son is real! He has a wife and a manly job!' He is a well-paid oil worker.

So she claims to prefer my BIL because he's more 'real' and 'manly' but there could be resentment that my DH - who is such an angel and tries so hard to be close to his parents and tolerate them - chose this career path and then a wife in it too. My BIL sees right through her and challenges every bitchy comment. To which she replies 'ooh, that's my boy, you quick wit!'

My FIL is a tiny (4ft 11) guy who appears rather 'weedy' (awful word sorry!) and just laughs when she is clearly offending people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivia · 09/12/2009 10:38

Neither set has children and we aren't actually moving abroad, just a long work trip. Sorry I'm not revealing by stealth! Just relatively new to posting. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Stigaloid · 09/12/2009 10:41

YANBU to be upset - she does sound poisonous. if it had been me and i was BIL i would have swopped my gift there and then in front of MIL to let her know it wasn't on. HOPe you have a good time abroad.

pippa251 · 09/12/2009 10:53

yanbu - Wrap the presents back up and give them back to them for their birthdays

Original poster
Vivia · 09/12/2009 10:53

Stigaloid! That is brilliant! Thanks.

OP posts:
iheartdusty · 09/12/2009 10:58

how unpleasant and pointed.

what's behind it??

CMOTdibbler · 09/12/2009 10:59

I like the regifting idea. My nearlyXSIL used to give us the most atrocious gifts (like a 2 quid Matalan candle in peach between us - price was left on, or a bottle of dip (only gift between DH and I) that was clearly marked, indicating that I would be allergic to it), in contrast to v nice gifts to other BIL/SIL.

We just made it into a competition to bet on how bad our gift would be each year.

If your DH lets his mum talk to him like that without challenging her, things won't get better though

iheartdusty · 09/12/2009 11:02

sorry I waited too long before posting.

Original poster
Vivia · 09/12/2009 11:09

CMOT you are entirely correct about DH challenging her. He did once, years ago, and the abuse he took from her for that was awful: she telephoned his workplace (university) to complain about his 'misconduct' towards her! He tries avoidance which is fruitless but she is hellish!

Loving the gift-swap and bad-gift competition ideas, DH will love to read this thread later!

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 09/12/2009 11:16

heavens above ! She does sound particularly toxic.

I have managed to calm FIL down a bit over the years (he needs to be told when he is out of line, and has eventually got the idea that I won't be spoken to like that and DH won't blow up to it now either), but in the interim, I had this book 'Kiss my Tiara' which had some fab ideas for mentally dealing with family if you just want to be able to smile sweetly at them whilst raging inside.

We like playing 'Daily Mail bingo' (spot the conversations out of that days paper, points for having read their paper and giving page nos - scoring done in the car on the way home), buzz word bingo (how many of their pet subjects will they bring up ? Your job/education/family plans etc are all normally covered. You might wish to time the interval between you seeing them and one of these coming up), and endurance repetition (how many times can you say 'we're very happy with that choice' when they won't go off the subject that you refuse to argue about). We found these very soothing

diddl · 09/12/2009 11:23

Tempted to ask why you bother to see them tbh!

Original poster
Vivia · 09/12/2009 11:28

I know, diddl, we are crazy to see them. But issues like MIL calling our workplace make her so unpredictable. It's almost like a couple of hours of her behaviour is easier than not knowing what she'll do next or when she'll do it. For DH, he feels responsible as her son. Meanwhile my FIL babies her, pretends she has disorders to explain it away - she definitely doesn't have mental health issues, that's my DH's career expertise and he can tell she is playing. MIL is just a cow. FIL places his loyalty firmly with his poisonous wife instead of his lovely sons -

OP posts:
Eliza70 · 09/12/2009 11:58

They sound crazy. As you say its the totally off the wall stuff like calling your DPs work that make it really hard.

My FIL is really lovely, but widowed and a bit clueless. Last year he got me a digial photoframe from Lidl and SIL's partner a jumper from Jager and he gave them to us on Christmas Eve for some reason (this was also when he turned up with three frozen chickens having forgotten to collect the turkey). He didn't get his children anything!! This year he has given my SIL £50,000 towards buying her house, although she bought the house off BIL so technically it's gone to both of them... and he has given DP nothing! Having said that his heart is in the right place. xx

fluffles · 09/12/2009 12:13

if your DH and his brother have maintained a good relationship in the face of that then good on them!

if you all decide that you're not going to let her poison your relationships then you can ignore these little jibes (and maybe BIL will invite DH round to enjoy the nice whisky?)

diddl · 09/12/2009 12:16

OP, do they regularly do this wrt Christmas gifts?

If so, I have to agree with a previous poster that BIL & SIL should either swap every other year or refuse the gifts on principal.

So I guess your MIL is trying to buy her other sons affections-and tbh,if he does hate her, he really shouldn´t accept the presents.

On some level, that kind of makes him as bad as MIL!

So the son that hates her gets the love & respect, & the one that doesn´t gets sneered at & def. no respect.

Think your husband has got to start being brutal-as long as she can´t phone his workplace!

Original poster
Vivia · 09/12/2009 12:24

Diddl, I never thought of BIL using gift-refusal as a way to stand up to her. Fantastic idea. The guys are truly - and I'm not slushy, honest - so lovely, good, and kind that it wouldn't even register to do it. It's true: one can be too nice to people!

Oh, Eliza that does sound difficult. I'm glad that your FIL has his heart in the right place, though. At Christmas time especially, I just want all our hearts in the right place.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:
aluvss · 09/12/2009 14:09

Your MIL sounds like she has some mental problem TBH.

I think the best thing for your DH to do would be to lose all contact with her of she makes him feel this bad.

About the phonecalls to work, I'm sure this is some sort of abuse an can be sorted out by the law, or he can just tell his boss that a crazy lady pretending to be his mother keeps on phoning him and not to take any notice.

Original poster
Vivia · 09/12/2009 14:17

at crazy lady, aluvss!

OP posts:
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