Antici........pation

[Bathsheba]

I'm up at 3am....partly because I'm pregnant and partly because my brain is buzzing.....

So I'm using AIBU partly for advice and partly to offload....

As far as I'm aware, DH has his work night out on Friday night. - He has actually only mentioned it once so I can't be entirely sure, however mentioning it once I suspect was me "being informed".

The problem is - DH has NO OFF VALVE - he doesn't ever drink other than in a "night out" situation, or in a "pub for the football" situation - his nights out aren't that regular (although a LOT of people seem to have been leaving his work recently and having big leaving parties so its running at about every 5 weeks at the moment). The standard "night out" scenario is

• he says he won't be late
• he ignores all phone calls and messages
• he comes in completely and utterly smashed at between 4am and 6am
• he collapses unconcious in bed and snores very loudly for a long time
• we have to write off the entire next day as he drifts in and out of conciousness on the bed or the sofa.
• he moans about everyone he was out with and how crap they are or how pretentious they are or how rubbish they are at their jobs
• he gets unbeleivabely touchy and sulky if any reference is made to how drunk he was or the time he got home.

Basically there are a few reasons for all of this - the big nights out tend to be with people from work, and he has had really big MH problems over the past 5 years with work related stress and bullying causing him to suffer badly from depression, anxiety and paranoia. He has (undiagnosed) Aspergers and finds social situations very difficult, so he drinks a lot very quickly as an attempt to deal with being uncomfortable and being out with people who upset him. He also comes from a "small village" culture in NE Scotland where there is no bigger crime than "not standing your hand" - i.e. not buying a round when you have been included in a previous round - so he has to make sure that he has bought everyone a drink, and then as a subsequence of that, that he has been bought his drink "back" by all these people. Honestly, being seen as generous with drinks is a huge matter of honour for him (and it is a rule by which he judges others if they have been seen to take drinks and not buy them back for everyone).

Now, normally I guess I'd be able to let it go - its Christmas, its a Christmas night out, he needs/deserves some fun etc...

BUT I'm 34 weeks pregnant. I'm SHATTERED. We already have 2 DDs (almost 6 and 3) who I will need to entertain all Saturday while he sleeps this off (and all the tips about "sending them in to the bedroom to get Daddy" just don't work and it puts them right in the firing line - he does NOT respond well to this and it has no "desired affect" of getting him up and about when he realises his responsibilities). DD1 has a party on saturday afternoon and I'm already anticipating having to take DD2 along to it because I can't leave her at home. (And I'm aware how much turning up at parties with uninvited siblings is very very frowned upon). We are also going out to a big concert on Saturday night as part of my birthday present (band I have wanted to see for about 25 years - we have seated tickets for the heavily pregnant) and frankly I don't want to go out a) exhausted and b) with a DH that I have spent all day wanting to kill.

Its very unlikely anything will happen with the baby this weekend - I'm only 34 weeks, but I'm a definate section, under general and I haven't to go into labour - so if anything did happen (contractions starting, waters breaking etc) I'd need to get myself into the maternity hospital and quick because this baby would be coming out (and I'd need major surgery and it would probably at this gestation end up in Special Care). I also had to spend the weekend in hospital after the last "night out" he had becuase I ended up with biliary colic from my gall bladder (not related to his night out but I'm not convinced the stress of it all didn't contribute somewhere...)

I have tried so often in the past to explain to him that I really need him to be a functioning person the next day and for him not to come in at 4am etc, but it has never ever had any effect and, despite anything I say the pattern always repeats itself - he stays out and comes in smashed anyway.

So its Wednesday morning, it was my birthday yesterday (Tuesday) and I'm already up part of the night upset with anticipation of what this Friday night out will bring, and knowing that there seemingly is nothing I can say or do that will stop the pattern repeating itself.

Gosh I don't know really but I think YABU? It's only one night and the energy you have put into writing this post - sheer length and detail of it!! (BTW I have 3 kids with similar age gaps and know how tiring it can be when DH is not up to par).

Show him this post? Seriously.. sit him down and ask him really nicely to come home at a reasonable time because you NEED him to... If he doesnt then he is thoughtless and selfish... ... cant you ask a friend to go to the concert with you?

YANBU to be pissed at his behaviour IMO but you are being unfair on yourself to wind yourself up over it. I notice that you are very adept at providing 'excuses' for why he feels the need to get so drunk and I wonder whether this situation with what is essentially binge-drinking is an issue in the relationship which you need to address generally, not just in regard to this one night. Personally, I would do as Devendra suggests and if he still goes ahead as you expect, I would probably ignore him and get on with my day, doing my best to keep calm and not dwell on it for my own benefit. If I did have someone else who I could take to the concert I would do that too and leave him to reflect on the consequences of his actions. It sounds like you know the whole script for this scenario in advance so why not break the pattern? You can't really change what he does but you can change how you react to it. Alcohol does some weird shit to people and relationships and whilst I see no harm in having a drink, and occasionally having a couple too many, I don't think that getting into the state you describe is healthy and I would be just as uncomfortable with it a you are whether I was pregnant or not.

Sounds like you just have to accept that this weekend is a bust, but you need to speak to him about future events? You're worrying yourself silly about something that hasn't even happened yet - thing is, his night out is planned, you know he's going, and you know he's likely to be in very very late.

Will he stop going out once you reach, say 36 weeks? My DP didn't drink at all once I'd gone on Mat Leave as I was so worried I'd go into labour and wouldn't be able to get to the hospital quickly (pfb )

What concert is it btw?

well I wouldnt be happy if my husband did this BUT if it is just once in a while it could be alot worse. I would get him to make it up to you the weekend after by taking the kids out for the day and leaving you in peace to relax.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think you should explain all this to DP and ask a friend to go with you to the concert instead. Then you have something to look forward to and a break away from him for the evening if you're peed off with him.
I'd be gutted if my birthday concert night out was ruined from OH not knowing when he's had enough to drink!

I don't think you are being unreasonable here. You're heavily pregnant and that's enough to magnify any worry into something to fret over.

I think the key here is to sit your DH down and explain it to him the way you have to us. That worry over his past behaviour repeating now is causing you to lose sleep.

You're not asking him not to go, you just want him to moderate his behaviour whilst he's there and be back at a reasonable time, so that he can, at least, take the kids off you for Saturday afternoon so you can get ready for your birthday present in peace and quiet.

Ask him to pre-book a taxi at a reasonable hour so that he has no excuse for not coming home.

Or, ask him if he wants you to call him at, say, midnight and provide him a 'legitimate' reason for him having to go home. It's a bit high-school-date but it might be that, since you say he's awkward socially, he's not comfortable being the first bloke to 'wimp out' and that he'd be grateful to have an excuse to say he has to leave. His wife being pregnant and calling to say she thinks there's something wrong might be just the ticket. His mates might rib him about it a bit, but it would be the nature of 'good chap, what else can you do...'

Whatever else, though, I think you need to make it clear that you will not be happy with a repeat of the past.

Oh, and given your circumstances, definitely make it clear that you will expect him to be contactable and coherent at all times. You're right to think nothing is likely to happen this weekend, but it might and he has to be aware of that.

Agree with a PP - at what point would you be saying 'no more at all' because that has to be fast approaching?

YANBU - this is a bit much for a grown man imo, but then DH and I have never been big drinkers.

Is there any chance you could introduce him to the "kitty" concept for work nights out? This was the norm for my workplace, and everybody puts in a fiver/tenner at the start of the evening out of which rounds of drinks are bought until the money runs at. At which point anybody who is still there and wants to carry on drinking puts in some more money.

That way everybody has paid their fair share, without everybody having a daft number of rounds of drinks.

Just a thought!

YABU - ok, so you know how he's going to be, and it doesn't happen often, so the best way to deal with it is to cope with it. Tell him he has Saturday "off" until 5pm, or whenever you need him to be up for the concert. Let him sleep that day (but he's got to stay in bed,not the sofa, unless you're out), and you'll have him bright eyed and bushy tailed.

And then, arrange to take your dds out for the day. Either to family/friend's or some entertainment softplay or suchlike. We have a season ticket to a local kids' farm, which works wonderfully for days like that - my dh works away a lot and sometimes I just need the break of taking them there, have lunch there, they play, I can sit with a coffee and chat if we've met friends or read (in my dreams!). I also spend some of the time having fun with my kids (yes! really!) without getting worn out.

I've found if I plan that he has the day off, then I don't spend the day resenting it, iyswim, and I feel like I'm treating him, and he's suitably grateful.

And don't try to contact him while he's out, then he can't ignore you!

YANBU- a night out doesn´t have to mean the next day is lost-not when you have a family to think of imo.

But if you know what´s going to happen I guess there´s no point stressing!

Just how to stop it happening in the future?

Should say, my dh rarely drinks nor has many nights out, but he does suffer from extreme tiredness (he really needs 10 hours sleep a night) and when he gets back from trips away he's usually flown overnight, i.e. no sleep to speak of. I am not very tolerant of his tiredness unless I have a Plan. Likewise, when he's been away, I used to want to hand over kids and have a break as soon as he walked through the door. Life got a lot better when we realised that he actually needs about 48 hours to get back into the bustle of family life, and to recover from the journey, before I can get that break.

My DH has big nights out very, very rarely and I completely write off the next day and just get on with my own plans. So under normal circs I would let him get on with it.
However, I am also 34 weeks pregnant so would definitely not like DH getting wrecked at the moment.

Would you be looking at ambulance transfer if you go into labour ? If not, who would get you there is he's MIA ?

YANBU my DH is a bit like this too.
It really does annoy me as well. He did it one night after a show he had been to last I heard was he was on his way home, i'd been ill for a couple of days feeling really rotten so thought great he wil be in a fit state to give me a rest tomorrow couple of hours later I finally get him on the phone he is in the pub, cue me tearful and getting peed off at him and him huffing and coming home. When he came in he thumped about the house in a huff not speaking I ended up mighty annoyed at this tearful bit passed and yelled at him.

I did feel kinda bad because he does so rarely go out but this night I was really needing him home as he had been out most of the day with work then football then this at night and I was ill and just felt he was being mighty selfish.

You have my sympathies honestly.
Ohn and if you ditch him from the concert i'm free on Saturday night.

You need to speak to him clearly and directly and make a plan that he can follow.

For example:

-you could recommend that he buys the first round of drinks - therefore he has paid his way and can leave earlier without having to wait for his turn to get a round etc. Point out that is he doesn't get a drink off everyone he bought a round for, then he has been "generous".
-another poster has suggested giving him the next day off until 5pm. I would go for just before midday - say to him that he can sleep in, but he is to get up by 11.30am and make lunch for you all - ie plan set in stone.
-his early exit should be pre arranged - he needs to make it clear to his colleagues that his wife is heavily pregnant and needs his help with the other children - he has responsibilities. It is not to do with being "under the thumb" or other such ridiculous crap that people taunt you with when you need to leave, it is to do with his responsibilities.

I think it is a very bad idea for him to just go out and then you call/text whilst he is out - if there is no plan, he will presumably just follow the crowd.

Personally I think YANBU at all, and I am surprised how many people have said "oh well you already know what's "going" to happen so just sort it out for next time".

Well surely if it's keeping you awake at night already that is a good reason to try and break the pattern so it ISN'T "going" to happen again this time! And anything that is worrying you this much is something you should be able to talk about and address together as a couple. Maybe you can get him to agree to some compromises (e.g. limiting his drinks/time he gets in, or promising to answer calls) AND to what will happen if he ignores them once he is actually out?

I might be biased as I am 31 weeks pg myself with a toddler, and also shattered but really I don't think you are unreasonable not to want him in quite such a state at this point in your pregnancy!

YABU - let him have his night out and stop working yourself up so much.

YANBU - drinking that writes off the next day should not be done by a responsible adult.
He's not 19 anymore and you are in this together (family life, pregnancy) so you are into the Saturday responsibilities together.
It is also totally outrageous that a man whose wife is heavily pregnant should have his phone turned off.
Or, in return - you could go for a spa break next weekend. It will probably only cost about the same as a night of heavy drinking and you would have the Friday night and the whole of Saturday to indulge in treatments? I'm sure he'd love to reciprocate the "me-time"..?

Wee bit of an update on this...

DH's night out is tonight - he is not coming home after work because the meal starts at 6pm.

My Mum is going to come up and give me a hand with bathtime - just because thats normally when I'm at my tiredest and I'm grumpy and not very fair on my DDs.

Tomorrow I've arragned to go the the best soft play in the area for when it opens at 10am. We'll have lunch there and then get ourselves back up the road (about 30 miles) in time for DD1's party at 2. I've checked with the Mummy that DD2 can come.

DH is going to the pub and the football tomorrow so we won;t see him then and he has been told that he has to make his own way to the football.

The doors open on our concert at 6:30 and my Mum is babysitting for us - he has to be a sensible coherent person by 6:30 ish to go to this concert.

SO...basically we have something arranged, he can have as long as he wants to sleep tonight off, I'm not going to be hanging around here waiting for him to become a sensible person again.

He has said that he is aware that besically from now on he needs to be in contact in case something happens with the baby. He also says that every night when he goes out he goes out with the intention of staying relatively sober and getting home at a relaitvely sensible time, but EVERY TIME one of the guys he works wih starts buying him whisky and then gets him involved in a conversation about "whats wrong with the company we work for"...so essentially its all this one guy's fault...

So he IS getting his night out, he can do whatever the heck he likes. He is also getting his trip to the pub and the football tomrrow (and the sale next Saturday) with no question, so I'm not being too harsh on him.

Sorry, the SAME next Saturday - he has fottball and the pub next Saturday afternoon as well.

I'm glad you've sorted out what's happening tomorrow, hope it goes well and you enjoy the concert.
It's the footie and pub regular Saturday outing that would fed me up, rather than the one off. But if that's what floats his boat... so long as you get time too both with him, and to do your own thing.
These last few weeks are terribly hard though. My dh was away with work for 2 weeks when I was 38-40 weeks pregnant with our 3rd. My anxiety was the worst part of that.

At the moment the time I get to myself is mostly spent napping - I was on my Christmas night out last friday - home sober at 11:30 - but I had a nap for 3 hours on saturday because of that....

The "pub and football" has caused issues for years - he is home reasonably (the whole process tends to take between 1pm and 6pm) but when he comes home he is "just that bit too drunk to be useful" - so I can't leave him to bath the girls for example as he is too smashed to remain patient and do anything quickly (they have been left in relatively cold water for 45 mins before because he has lost all track of time, and then he has some sort of stand off with his hadns on his hips with them) - and then he falls asleep on the sofa for the evening.

Every promise he has ever made to only go to the pub before the game and not after has lapsed very quickly - generally becauise he insists its easier for me to pick him up at the pub than it is anywhere else, and if he has to walk back to the pub with the lads anyway he mioght as well go in for an hour...

Well done Bathsheba - sounds like you've handled it really well. Hooray for Mums who know just when to give a hand (bathtime!). Don't know what it is about Christmas Dos and alcohol - my 18 y o DSS came home last week and puked everywhere (at least he's not a toddler though and managed to clean it up himself. Enjoy your night out and Merry Christmas!

Just off out for the day - don;t expect to be home much before 4pm by which time he should be at the football.

To give him some credit he never actually made it to bed last night - no idea if this was intentional or collapse - so I was able to sleep a lot better than if he was snoring beside me - first I was aware of him in the house was 4am.

I'#ve just gone looking for some cash though and he doesn;t have A SINGLE PENNY on him - literally no money of any sort at all - he normally comes home with a pocket full of change.....so maybe one day I'll find out he was mugged.

As long as he is civil and sensible and good to go out at 6pm tonight when we are off to see Simple Minds I'll be fine - otherwise I'm going to nip round the corner and pick up INeedACleaner and take her instead.

How was your day, Bathsheba? Did you get to enjoy the concert? Should say, my dh is often as useless as yours on a Saturday evening, but it's not through drinking or footie, just that he doesn't get enough sleep (needs about 10 hours really) so he falls asleep at the drop of a hat. He spends a lot of evenings asleep on the sofa/dining room table. Winds me up no end!

Nonno - my dh once threw up into his pocket at midnight mass... his mother was not amused - he was about 20 at the time - entered family folklore.