to think that my little girl doesn't like me very much?

[starlight99]

My DD is 2. She's always been quite an "independent" little soul.

The thing is she is very unlike me... I was a real mummy's girl and clung to my mum, couldn't bear to be without her.

My DD doesn't seem that bothered about me at all. The truth is I have felt rejected by her since the day she was born. She refused to breastfeed from me and I know that couldn't have been a conscious decision but to me it felt like rejection.

Then I had severe pnd and was hospitalised for 3 months. I think this interfered with the bonding.

When she started to speak it was all "daddy daddy". She didn't say mummy. All my friends' little ones the same age said mummy first.

Even now she is not that bothered. When she banged her head the other day she didn't want me to comfort her, she pushed me away when I tried to give her a cuddle.

AIBU to feel rejected by a 2 year old?

oh sweetheart you sound so sad. she LOVES you, you are her mummy, you are her whole and entire world right now.

how is the PND now, are you still receiving support? i'm sorry to sound presumptive starlight but i don't think you sound too happy or rational about this. they all go through stages of Daddy's Girl and Mummy's Girl. FWIW, evey single baby in my NCT group said Dada first, i thought it was easier for them to say than mama.

she is 2, she is starting to slowly realise that she is not a physical part of you anymore and that she can exert some control over the world around her - that world at the moment is YOU - so she is going to start with you right now. Embrace the fact you are raising a bright independent little girl who is secure enough in her mummy's love to push the boundaries a little and test the waters right now, in her own two-year-old way. And then remember that again in around 10 years

Your post is very

My DD was exactly as you describe- daddy daddy and not interested in me (tho she did BF for 15 months).

I responded by withdrawing from her and concentrating on my other children (3 boys, all younger). As you will appreciate that wasn't the right thing to do at all. She left home at 17 and we have never really got back what we lost. She is now 23 and still daddy's girl and doesn't really feel like my flesh and blood at all

I tell you this not to upset you but you have time to reverse this. YANBU at all and I understand exactly how you feel. Sadly I don't know what you can do, except for perhaps telling your HV/GP how you feel and see what they suggest?

(as a postscript I now have a DD2 born 21 years after her sister. She is a real mummy's girl and it has taken her till 2.9 to be at all interested in her father )

It's obvious you feel like she rejected you, even though she couldn't have had any intentions at such a young age, are you just seeing things through this viewpoint?

Saying daddy first could be because it's you encouraging her to talk and say daddy, but your DH didn't repeat mummy over and over again? Plus I wouldn't go on what other children do, each one is different.

My DD doesn't really want sympathy or a cuddle when she hurts herself, and she's always been like that, but I don't see it as rejection or anything, it's just how she deals with it.

Just my opinion, but the fact that you're thinking 'is this going OK' means you're bothered about what kind of relationship you have with her, and that has to be good.

How does your DH see it all?

YANBU at all. Please try and see a therapist about this while you have time to try and find a way forward for your relationship with your daughter. I was like that as a child with my mother, because I felt unwanted by her. She responded by distancing herself from me and now we have an unhappy relationship. Your 2 year old isn't in a position to fix this but you are. Sorry to sound like it is a 'problem' to be fixed but I mean it is a problem in as far as you feel that she doesn't like you - it is the saddest thing to feel that your baby doesn't like you. It's a great achievement for you to have articulated it rather than pretending nothing's wrong.

Starlight, I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. My little girl will be two on Christmas day and I spent last Christmas in hospital with depression.
Do you have a CPN who you can talk to about this? Mine is really helpful. Try to do fun things with dd, and get plenty of sleep.

The reason children start on "Daddy" is because they're (usually) with Mummy all the time. Think about how many times you say your OH's name compared to your own? I bet most mothers spend the day telling their LO about DADDY, DADDY's at work, DADDY will be home soon, is that picture your DADDY?

I'm mean, I deliberately say MUMMY as often as I can

Your daughter is a credit to you, you've given her that confidence to be independent. You should be proud of yourself for that. I can understand though you feeling rejected and maybe you should speak to your GP or HV, it's possible that you're still suffering from your PNI.

My mum still feels rejected by my independence. I've spent a long time trying to get her to realise that I don't reject her, my siblings rely on her a lot and I don't ask her for anything, she doesn't seem to see this is me trying to not put pressure on her because I'm a big girl now. I'm now not asking her for anything and growing closer to my dad instead.

Thanks everyone, I've really tried to see things more rationally, and some days are better than others e.g. I can recognise daddy is more of a novelty for her as she is with me all the time, also she is not a particularly "cuddly" child and that is fine.

But on my "off" days I still feel really sad about it, and blame myself for the PND and the hospital stay and all the bad stuff that happened.

I did go and seek therapy. The therapist did a "test" whereby she took my DD over to the window (away from me) to see her reaction. She did look over to me for reassurance. The therapist said that she was securely attached, just an independent child and I should be proud of the fact she is confident and not clinging to her mummy the whole time (which apparently can be a sign of insecure attachment). So I was quite encouraged by that. I keep having to tell myself the positives, because the accusing nasty thoughts about her not liking me keep cropping up in my mind.

Maybe there is a bit of PND lingering on... I do still have a CPN who comes round. She is good but I don't think really understands how I feel. All the little things that don't sound like much on their own, add up in my mind and still present themselves as a problem.

You are right I need to take steps to fix this now before it becomes ingrained. I am terrified of not being "close" to her as she grows as I love her so much.

Thanks for your advice everyone x

It's true. Very clingy children (past the usual clingy 'phase') are often not securely attached and it's not a good sign. Independence is a good trait My DS doesn't really like cuddles when he hurts himself either and prefers to play by himself a lot of the time. He recognises the word daddy but not mummy, because I say it all the bloody time! DH doesn't talk to him as much as I do obviously and I don't go on about 'mummy' cos I am mummy!

You are a good mum.

I was like this and when I went through puberty my Dad wrote to me and let me know that my 'independent' spirit meant I was not his 'princess',

Let her know even now that you love her and accept her independent spirit, and let her flourish. Make her feel good about it, if she doesn't need your help for stuff, you can turn it round even now and say stuff like 'I bet you can help Mummy do X or Y, you are such a clever girl'. It might not quite be what you had hoped for but you can change the 'dynamic' of your relationship with her by accepting that she is not very 'needy' and showing that you love her for whom she is. And in her way she will respond because of that.

Every baby is know said Dada first, the D sound is easier than the M sound.

DD called me 'Dad' til she was about 12 mo.

There's even an advert that references this (think it might be a formula ad).

I felt that ds wasn't really attached to me even though I loved him dearly. He also refused to breastfeed and was very much a daddys boy. If we ever went out and left him with mil he would always go running straight over to dh when we returned.

Ds started nursery at 2.5 and almost overnight I felt that he wanted to be with me more. He actually told his nursery teacher that "he is looking after mummy because she has a bad ear and he just loves his mummy so much". I could have cried when she told me that.

He has always been an independent soul and very confident. I now think that it is a good thing, they feel secure in our love so don't feel the need to be clingy.

Starlight, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling rejected by your little girl. I agree with lots of the comments above. It's great that she has been identified as being securely attached - that means she's got a really strong basis for healthy relationships and it also means that you've been emotionally and physically available to her in her early years (otherwise she wouldn't have that secure attachment). You've managed all of this in spite of PND, which is no small achievement.

My eldest DD is slightly more aloof and I've found myself distancing myself from her. However, when I catch myself doing it I make an extra effort to be warm and positive with her (sometimes even if I don't feel that way) and it does seem to have a good effect. Sometimes we need to change how we feel before we can change our behaviour but sometimes just changing our behaviour can change how we feel, if that makes sense. If you're feeling distant from her then don't worry about changing how you feel (very hard to do) - just make little changes which reduce that distance between you, such as one extra story each day, including her in one stage of the cooking for dinner, giving her a tickle... there are lots of little things that can be done to bring you closer together. If you do these little things daily then, perhaps, over time you will feel closer to her and, even if she doesn't appear to respond, she will receive a very clear message that you want to be with her and you enjoy your time together (even if you don't always feel that way, which I think we'd all hold our hands up to some of the time).

You sound as though you have very good instincts and you're very aware of what your daughter needs. Guilt comes with the territory and you sounds as though you have a double helping. Please try not to let the guilt overwhelm you. See it for what it is and keep it in its place - don't let it detract from all of the good stuff that you do.

Firstly, I agree that almost all children say daddy first.
Secondly, my DD and most of her little friends are real Daddy's girls.
Mostly I love it that she loves her daddy so much, but every now and again I feel a teeny bit of jealousy! It's only human to feel a bit hurt when you say 'come and give mummy a cuddle' and they say 'no, I want to cuddle my daddy'! But a lot of it is the novelty value, and that a lot of men tend to have more 'fun' time with their DCs (as opposed to doing housework!).
My DD is also very independant. But you will be glad of it when she goes to school. It is lovely to see your DD run off to play with friends in the school playground, rather than clinging to your legs crying.
And as for breast feeding, my DD was bf til 12mo and is so independant, whereas my DS was mixed fed (bottle/bf) from 6weeks and is super clingy!

My DS2 who is 2.5 spent the most of yesturday afternoon saying 'I don't like Mummy' no idea why. It hurts. Daddy is the hero in this house, well most of the time, we have 2 boys. But then DS1 who is 7 was ill the other night and only wanted to get in bed with me. But at the school gates this morning did not want me to walk anywhere near him!

I also think the things you mention that happened in the early days are going to be the blueprint for the rest of your relationship, it happened, you must move on and try and see that it may well be just normal 2 year old behaviour, they go so darn bossy at this age. I asked my youngest for a cuddle at the weekend and he said 'no way!'

I think the whole immediate bonding thing is totally over rated, you are made to feel a failure if it does not happen in the first 5 mins after birth.

She sound lovely and just being 2 to me, and you sound fab too!

You sound like me! I had severe PND too and my ds loves my DH more than anything. in the morning he comes in to our room and i sweep him up into our bed for a cuddle. the other morning i was very tired so rolled over and snoozed a little more, to which my son moved over, hugged DH gave him a kiss and said 'i don't like mummy, i like daddy'. I also got asked to leave the bathroom last night when DH and i were giving him a bath as he 'doesn't like mummy. go away mummy'.

He does love me. I know he does. Dh is the fun parent who comes home and isn't 39 weeks pregnant and exhausted from all day childcare and able to throw him up in the air and play with him. I am the one who tells him to eat his vegetables, that he can't watch tv all day, if he misbehaves he won't be able to do what he wants etc etc. Good cop, bad cop in his eyes. But he loves me all the same.

Your dd loves you too - she is just 2 and pushing boundaries

Your DD would love you even if you were the worst mum in the world that is the way children are made.Some kids just aren't very much into cuddles

What about the good moments? You feel that she is not 'bothered' by you, but does she listen when you read her a story, does she smile enthusiastically when you say we're going out for a walk, or if you sit down together with some paper and colours to make a picture?

If you can try to focus on the fun things for a day how does that make you both feel? I'm sure you are convincing yourself that your daughter is rejecting you - whereas the selfish nature of toddlers means that she has no awareness of how she is making you feel even while she loves you more than she loves anyone else in the world. My DS no longer wants to hug and snuggle at the moment but if he does I'll tell him how much I love him and also his hugs. Good luck...

thanks everyone,
stigaloid - you know how I feel. I hope you don't go through PND again this time round.

I know she is just being 2, and it's true we do have some good moments.

I guess it's just not how I imagined it, that's all. Amazing that they have their own personalities from such an early age, and there's little we can do to influence it really.

thanks again