AIBU to think we are not handling this correctly (toddler biting)

[TTTrouble]

My DS (20mths) is going through a stage of biting / scratching & hitting. Either if we tell him no or if another child takes a toy off him.

We are working very closely with his nursery to overcome the issue and to deal with it we are removing DS when an incident occurs, telling him he shouldn't bite / scratch / hit and then asking him to go give a kiss to the other child or us to make friends.

Each day at nursery there is an incident and today when I went to collect DS the parent of another child was visibly upset by the fact that his child had been bitten and was quite vocal about the fact it wasn't acceptable. I knew instinctively that it was DS.

I know it isn't acceptable and I feel really bad that DS is doing this to other children.

I felt I should have said something to the parent at the time, but know nursery have confidentiality rules and so didn't. Although they wouldn't have breached anything so perhaps I should have done.

Are we doing something wrong? What else can we do and should I have said something to the other parent?

I know this should perhaps be in another forum but this board gets a lot more responses and I desparately need so points of view.

Aww, not a great situation.

Firstly, no, I dont think you should have said anything to the parent. It is for the nursery to handle. My DS was pinched in nursery the other day, and at 2.3, he was able to tell me who had pinched him (very hard) once I was home. But there is no point in me knowing.

Secondly - from your OP, it is not clear how firm you are being with your DS at home. DS bit a few times at home. He was told a very very very firm no, in a very slightly raised voice told it was totally unacceptable behaviour and we would put him straight in his cot (not even time out step) for 5 minutes. We would then return, tell him why he had been put there and ask for a hug to say sorry. It worked for us, and the incidents were fortunately only a few in number.

Finally - without concerning you, some nurseries may decide to exclude a child if the behaviour is not controlled. Have they indicated to you how concerned they are? Or is it still very early days?

What would you have said to the other parents? Would it have calmed them down do you think?
I sounds as if you are taking it seriously and doing what (IMO) seems correct for his age.
So YNBU

Hi - we had awful problems with our ds biting, which was started by him being bitten at nursery and them not dealing with it.

Do you use a naughty step/time out? Agression is the only thing I use time out for, as I don't really like using it. If ds is agressive he goes straight into time out, while a big fuss is made of the injured party (which makes me look like a loon if it's a random child in the park!) and he is completely ignored. He's in there for 2-3 minutes, then when his time's up I go to him and say, "Mummy put you into time out because you bit/hit/pushed that child. We don't bite/hit/etc. Biting/hitting/etc is a Bad Thing. You need to say sorry and then come and play quietly with me for a little while."

You need to have a good chat with nursery and find out exactly what they're doing for discipline when your ds is biting. You need to be doing the same thing and presenting a united, consistent front to your ds.

I wouldn't say anything to the other parent - the kids aren't old enough to dob each other in and if the othe parent can't get over her kid being bit at nursery then she should consider a nanny - kids bite, it's unfortunate and undesirable but it's a fact.

Also, if it's a private nursery I wouldn't worry about them excluding your ds. They will be far more interested in keeping his fees coming in!

I think it sounds like you and the nursery are doing everything right. You just need to keep doing it, imo. He needs to hear your messages and the nursery's messages until he gets it. Which he will!

I honestly think it's just one of those things that is either 'in' you or it isn't. It is simply an instinct with your DS to lash out when he feels angry. As his social skills increase he will learn that it is not socially acceptable to do this and he will curb it. It's the nursery's job to help him get these skills, and yours, which you are doing basically.

I think it is simply one of those things when you are socialising kids of this age, who are basically not 'social' beings imvho. Being with their peers is a BIG challenge and not necessarily what suits them best! Parents and older kids tend to be more understanding and not snatch toys, or push you out of the way on the slide, etc etc etc so being social with them is a lot easier for a kid this age!

And that instinct to fight back is not a bad thing to have imo. My Ds didn't have this, which made my life easier in that he didn't do this hitting or biting, but at the same time he would let other kids push in, take things, etc.....your ds will fight his corner, at least!

We are working very closely with nursery to try resolve this. As we want to take a consistent approach.

I think I am very firm with him whilst remaining calm, but perhaps I should try a firmer voice and leaving him in time out for a touch longer than I do.

I'm going to try arrange a meeting with the nursery manager tomorrow to see what else we can do, but I think the shock of hearing the other parents reaction has made me realise we have quite an issue to tackle and feel we must be missing something.

TTTrouble, before I had DD2, I thought that biting was something to be clamped down on straight away, and that persistent biters were just dealt with badly.

DD3 was born when DD2 was 20 months. It seems that she just didn't know how to show affection to her, and that she got overwhelmed. Then she BIT. To see my newborn with a bite mark was awful.

We were very firm. We even smacked (not something to try, it did nothing, and I wish we hadn't).

In the end she simply grew out of it. I had become so used to guarding DD3, that I suddenly realised one day that DD2 hadn't bitten DD3 for about a week. Then 2, then 3.

She is now 2.4, and she will need careful help to manage her reactions when she is upset or angry, but biting is very, very rare.

Some children bite, some pinch, some shout, some don't, but generally they are just short phases.

TTTrouble - talking to the nursery manager sounds fantastic. Hopefully it is just a phase and your DS will grow out of it.

UD - I know of a private nursery who threatened to exclude a biter; but I think that had gone on for some time (twins had been born into the family, toddler was not a happy bunny)

Been there, got through it, and now going through it again! My ds was a biter; it was a phase that lasted about a year and when we were going through it I thought it would never end. Like you, we worked with the nursery and dealt with it in a consistent way. I don't think anything helped him to stop, I think he just grew out of it, but it needed to be managed and he needed watching very closely at all times.

He's four now and is the loveliest, most sensitive little boy, so it's definitely not a marker for aggression (which I was worried about at the time).

Now dd's doing the same thing. I feel terrible for the parents who have to be told that their child has been bitten, but I have no desire to 'out' my dd as the biter (and nursery don't allow me to know who's been bitten anyway). They tell me that she always goes for the same person, which is strange. Does your ds bite the same person each time?

It's awful going through it, but it sounds like you're doing all that you can, although I know that it feel like you're not doing enough at time.

If dcs used to bite out of frustration, used to say a firm 'no' (or yelp it!), put them on their bottoms and walk away, they were about 18m-2yrs then and too young ime to understand time out at that stage.

Mine bit at home but didn't do it at nursery, although they were both on the receiving end. Was a bit concerned when ds was repeatedly bitten by the same child so dh had a word with the manager and they closely supervised that child to nip the behaviour in the bud.

It's daft to blame or get cross with the parents, what would that achieve? They're bound to know and be concerned about it. In fact the parent of the child who bit ds a number of times used to confide in me her worries. It's just a phase but it does need to be managed. Sounds like you and the nursery are very aware and are on the case.