in secretly and selfishly longing for a magical family christmas

[isoldeone]

I know I am. I am going to suck it up. This is a woe is me post to help me vent it out and garner sympathy
I had the PFB in August after a crap pregnancy.
I have never held a christmas in a home of my own. I go dutifully up motorways to pils and parents every year whether single, engaged and now married. I'm 37 btw. Even spent crimbos apart from DH to keep folk happy,

There's no room for a pretty tree in my home because I'm living in a renovation job in a tiny terrace with no kitchen. Decided regretfully with DH not much point if we can't have a real one, wait til we get the big house one day...

My lovely MIL will host christmas day but there will be all the underlying tension with other members of the family and I know MIl is stressing already and Me and DH are willing shoulders to cry on. Me and Dh not involved in this tension with other members and stay neutral.

My mum is ill and has had a mild stroke. She's cross about the fact we are coming on Boxing Day (taking turns - no they won't/ can't go to PILS). She won't let me cook ( believe me I have offered and offered) I am a bit of an emotional punchbag for her as she rightfully frightened and upset at the moment becuase of the illness so I have had it in the neck about the taking turns thing and my weight( 11stone!lol) and what I am doing with the baby etc. I am worried about her and guilty and all the rest. I go every week to see her by the way by train with PFb

Noone has invited me to any parties nor the work do ( Im on maternity leave) and I am sick of watching these little inserts on GMTV and This morning about perfect party dresses, festive meals, ideal presents.

I want I want I want I want
to host a lovely sparkly xmas with everyone coming to me happy and healthy.
I want a xmas like the iceland ad (minus the food.)
I want to wake up with my DH and my lovely little boy and not feel guilty and sad which Iknow I will at some point during the day.

I want doesn't get grrrrrrr ( stamps her foot like a naughty child)

rant over

You sound like a very nice person; just because you are not going to get it doesn't mean you can't have a rant on MN. So rant away!!!! (Btw, the Christmas juggling act just gets steadily worse after children!)

Sorry for your troubles, isoldeone. Can you plan a wonderful, home-based Christmas day for next year? You don't have to have everyone round at once. or maybe go away, just the three of you, and have a lovely cosy time together somewhere.

I hope your mum gets better soon.

(BTW, YANBU )

Firstly, I completely see where you are coming from and have similar family rubbish this Christmas. I think about 75% of us do. Some ideas though-

Can you casually invite yourself to your work Christmas do if it means something to you? They probably will have forgotten you not on purpose.

Can you invite some friends round your local pub one evening for drinks, explaining you can't host so are doing it there? (and wear sparkly dress!) Or can you even have a few round for mince pies etc. one tea-time (still time to get the invites out!)

Can you buy a tiny little tree and put it on a table and joke about it being a bonsai tree, and still decorate it?

Can you just get horrible Xmas and Boxing Day out of the way, but designate one day for lovely little family Christmas with you, DS and DH at home?- do all your pressies etc. on that day eg. Christmas Eve? That's what we are doing here. One day just for us.

thank you geo centric and mamalazarou I may just do that. I remember last year being so poo ( I was lying in hospital unexpectedly on New Years Eve)I just wanted everything to slot into place this year now I have my lovely little boy and it pisses me off that life just ain't like that and I know count your blessings and xmas is NOT like the adverts but still I would so like it to be and I know if I hosted one it would be....it would.....
( wistful emotionconthingy)

domestic slattern - a bonsai tree - a defo good idea. I will do that

only 3 friends in this town and 2 of them don't get on with each other and the last time I invited everyone round in ameet the baby and ( cheer me up I'm a bit lonely now DH had gone back to work) it all ended in a bit of a disaster with noses being pput out of joint at comments made " so have given up on that front.

I don' t really care about the work do -it will be a boring meal that I can't get to in the next town. But still it would have nice to have been asked. Theres only a five people in the dept. Even DH's company not having a do either this year due to credit crunch but still not confident enough to leave baby with a babysitter even though I know friends competent 17 year old daughter would jump at the chance

yep - just the three of us -new years eve! I think that why I prefer new year ( but I still loathe the traditional ring my mum at 12 phone call as she gets all sentimental and says well this might be my last one...snniff) come to think of it that was the bonus being out of my head on morphine last year.

sorry I realise most people have this gubbins and others a whole lot worse - feeling a bit better now..but still I secretly want THAT type of xmas.

I think what you have just said about "Christmas not being like the adverts" is sooooo true and I honestly think that a lot of people believe that life is like the ads and everyone else is having a "wonderful time" - and this is the cause of a lot of problems. As others have said, arrangements at christmas seem to be the cause of so much upset and tension and when there are children in the mix this just makes things so much more difficult.

I think people have expectations of christmas (based on the ads on TV, stuff in mags etc) and the reality is nothing like that, and that in itself causes so much unhappiness. I think there is a more than usual amount of tension around at Christmas and it sort of heightens any tension or unhappiness already existing. I mean WHO does live like the families in the ads and the mags - it isn't real life is it.

Suicides absolutely rocket during the Christmas period and organisations like Relate are absolutely inundated in Jan!! Speaks for itself doesn't it really.

Anyway you have the most important things in life don't you - things that money can't buy - a loving husband and healthy baby. Would you prefer a big house and sparkly tree instead............thought not! Happy Christmas

wise words nananina. you are so right. that's why i know am being unreasonable in this secret longing.
I need to make the best of it. I fact I'm gonna get off backside and off MN this afternoon bundle up the baby in a pram and go up the local garden centre and get that mini tree or similar. Need to "air" myself.

Anyone else who wants to rant on this thread about their secret longing for a certain type of crimbo feel free

You know what Isoldeone - I was thinking for ages (we too are living in a renovation project) that we shouldn't have anything 'nice', have people over, because the house is in partial chaos. And then I realised that it is going to be like this for months, if not years. And I realised that if anything, it's all the more important to have parties and people and decorations when your house is having work done on it - it just helps you to keep going.

So I think you should hang paper chains from the step ladders and put up a tree in any spare space, and have people round for mince pies and tell them to avoid the holes in the floor. Invite your neighbours round, or the people from ante-natal classes, and have low expectations - and it will probably be very fun.

Oh love, sympathy well and truly on it's way ~~~~~~~

Agree with all the others who have said to decorate, even if you don't feel like it. A Christmas tree can always cheer me up!

I wish you a very lovely Christmas, no matter what you end up doing

Hi YANBU to want it. I remember being really disappointed on my daughters first christmas because it just wasnt magical at all we all just went to a miserable day with my (thankfully ex) stepmother.

BUT as my kids got older and our family got bigger it was no longer practical for us to travel around everywhere, we started havign our own christmas and things sorted themselves out nicely. Our kids are at the age where they believe in santa now so its very exciting in this house!.

It is perfect though - our kids still argue and our house is still a tip half the time lol

YANBU
And i second the Iceland advert thing. But most definatly minus the food!

that should be it is NOT perfect lol

We actually have very good Christmases at my parents' (travel abroad for it and celebrate with whole extended family), but even so I still want to have something that's our own, so I am steadily working on a routine that covers most of December by now, from special biscuits and mulled wine on the First Sunday in Advent, over a bonsai tree, to an extra present-giving ceremony before we go away (wouldn't really make much sense to cart our own presents to each other on the plane). And even if there isn't much room for tree, I can stick Christmas pictures on the walls.

oh what a lovely thread to read through, my heart goes out to you and all the wise words are just that - very wise.

just to add my two penn'orth......re: the "magical christmas" myth in the ads etc - you know, you don't need a beautiful mansion and 10ft tree perfectly decorated and perfect Doris Day family - you just need to make and experience a few MOMENTS on the day. So take time to be "in the moment" and take a mental photograph of how you feel and what the smells and sounds are, when you have the glass of Bucks Fizz, that kiss with DH on christmas day, your baby's face when they taste chocolate for the first time, hear their first cracker being cracked, you know what i mean. Focus on that 2 minute conversation with your mum in the kitchen when yu both feel warm and fuzzy rather than the 6 hours of nagging or self-pitying remark. Or the little laugh you shared with MIL or whoever when watching something on the TV......it's these things that make a magical christmas, the coming together and connecting for a few moments at a time with people who majority of the time you would probably like to slap repeatedly with a wet fish.

when you look back at supposedly magical christmasses as a child, do you remember how the house was decorated and the tree etc etc or the little things like a particular toy or that time Aunty got smashed or you and your brother kept stealing nips from your dad's whiskey glass and got wasted.

also go and watch Its A Wonderful Life and have a really good cry and get it all out. Dont feel bad for the way you feel, you sound like you have a lot on your plate right now and sometimes we all need a little pity party. I would even offer a little hug right now but fear the overwhelming wrath of MN if i should do so

Oh we all want "that" christmas don't we - lol (bitter laughter) and its usually the one that is poles apart from what we get. If we are the hostess with the mostest we feel put upon, if we are invited elsewhere we feel obliged to go and listen to other peoples crap. If we get to stay at home with our immediate family we feel a sense of anti-climax.

Its true isn't it?? I dont think THAT xmas really exists - nup, we just have to look around ourselves and feel happy with what it is we do get. Take the pressure off for perfection and just go with the flow - great expectations always lead to disappointment.

Am loving the bonsai xmas tree idea. Maybe put some fairy lights on the scaffolding/builders ladders etc.

genehuntsmistress - great post

Try to make a little special tradition for yourself thats realistic but special. I realiesed long ago that xmas was never going to be like the ads, even before my mother died just before xmas 6 years ago, and me and DH make Xmas eve our special time. We go shopping in the morning (if he's not at work), meet friends for a drink in the local in the afternoon, kids and all, after a walk. We get the kids to bed and have a special dinner for 2, watch a soppy xmas film while wrapping santa presents, and we always have sex fun!

Then Xmas day is with his folks and assorted rellies, its not too bad, but its no chocolate box. Its fime though, cos for me the best bit is done anyway.

aw shucks, thanks ijustwanttoaskaquestion and Princess

i feel so sorry for all these threads i am reading where people are pulled from pillar to post. once you are an adult (and certainly once a parent yourself) i really believe you should really call the shots about your own life, certainly about Christmas for your own children! Yet all these things i am reading about people being dragged across country and rows with ILs etc. I do really feel bad for them.

i am lucky that my family disowned me many years ago so i have always got to do it my own way and create my own traditions which i love and make my christmas for me and now, i hope, for my own daughter. but i would say to anyone who is not strong enough to assert themselves by being so outrageous as to want to spend Christmas in their own home with their own children , to establish their own small traditions that they can look forward to each year and look back on each year.

i LOVE LOVE LOVE christmas and that includes all the years being cast out of a large family, all the years of infertility waiting for our daughter to arrive, and all the years dealing with gollum gremlin MIL Perhaps just because a) i do whatever i want in my own life to please ME and MY family, as long as it does not directly hurt anyone else (hence why i put up with gremlin MIL) and b) i do christmas MY way see a) above and c) I really honestly kind of believe in Father Christmas

except there is one thing that disappoints me EVERY sodding year. every year from around mid-november i am convinced it is going to snow on christmas day and i really truly believe it. DH has given up trying to tell me it will not happen and just nods and smiles when i say You know what, i think it is actually going to snow this time, i really do! And every Christmas morning i open the curtains expecting 4 feet of snow and nada. [sigh] But you know what? I think this year it REALLY WILL snow. I just really think this is the year

hehehe you are a girl after my own heart Princess

how about we start an I Do Believe in FC Plus I Also Believe It Will Be a White Christmas This Year club? we could make badges and everything. and some kind of secret sign involving handshakes and winks and things. oh go on. HEY I HAVE AN IDEA we could even get people to dress up as FC and hang around grottos in shops to keep the scent fresh! No hang on wait a second.......hmmm

god .. you are all nice people.
I've garnered a tonne of sympathy! like someone said earlier reading some other threads - my troubles are relative - no money worries ( I can buy that tree), lovely Dh and PFB - just wanted the other (silly) stuff. I think what I meant to write to sound funny in a way even though some things in my life aint.

ghm - it will snow.. it will
fernie3 -it didn't need your correction if you know what I mean

update: went to the garden centre -priced a small 3ft tree , announced to dh when he came home sod it -lets get a tree- he said you're right and agreed to babysit willingly.
dropped in on way home to see number one friend and arranged to go out and put out general invitation on FB to people haven't seen in donkeys. they woon't come - all ex coleagues but I have tried
am gong to buy sparkly dress even though it will probably be 2 of us
rang mum - she's upbeat today and full of plans for boxing day. felt less guilty. am quite sure situation will reverse itself at some point but hey
mil rang - seems I've done something right to lessen family tensions unwittingly replans presents etc. DH most pleased!

might invite nice person from the BF cafeI met who gave me number for a mince pie. Too shy and ashamed of mess here before- ah well take me as you find me maybe
PFB smiled at me as usual out in the pram and I counted my blessings and chickens
checked mn and counted my blessings in a wonderful life type way

still yearning for choc covered strawberries at £2 a box .. they can't be that good surely - has anyone tried them???
merry crimbo y'all xxx

YAY what wonderful post isoldeone, you sound cracking and sooo nice. you will have a fantastic chrimbo and ye si think it really will snow.

one last thing, please get the choc strawbs they sound divine and YOU DESERVE THEM

oh and god bless tiny tim

Gene, you're mad i mean that in the nicest possible way! I reckon you should insist that one year you spend xmas in lapland - pretty much garuntee the snow then!! And reindeers and father xmas, and elves and evertyhing!!!

Iso,

TOTALLY sympathise. I had a similar meltdown last year when I realised that 36 years into my life, and a DS to boot, I still was travelling every year (usually abroad) to spend Xmas with relatives.

This year, I am expecting DC2 and have just refused to go anywhere. I am hosting my own dream Xmas. Having said that, I had to invite relatives, so DH, DS, bump and I are finishing work a week early and going away for 5 days on our own to a cottage in the middle of nowhere to have our own special family time. We are going to do a mini Christmas on our own.

So please don't be down. Next year - do what works for you. You sound lovely. All will work out xx