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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my mil to stay with us every week?

38 replies

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 07/12/2009 09:13

My first thread on here so, hello and be kind on me!!

So, I'm really not sure if i'm just being a heartless bitch or not but here goes...

Every Sunday we go out for lunch with mil. Dp and mil start off on the wine with lunch and I am expected to drive without question, even on my own birhday I don't mind that much as I have my dd to look after and I have to be up early but it's more the principle of never being asked if I would like to get merry and being assumed that I am a taxi.
We always end up coming back to our (tiny) flat and dp and mil will buy several bottles of wine on the way home. Then, they drink themselves into oblivion and both fall asleep on the couch by about 8pm. Cue the loudest snoring ever for the rest of the night. Although they will sometimes wake up after a bit of a nap and have another few glasses before passing out again. One or both of them will spill a glass of wine (or several) on my couch or carpet and I then have to clean it up as when awake, their attempts are pathetic, when asleep they don't notice they have done it.
The next morning, I have to be in work for half 8 so I usually take lo in nursery for 7.45 then go straight in, but on Mondays I have to drive in the opposite direction inbetween to take mil home which makes me late and I must make the time up at lunch or the end of the day. She lives about 4 miles away and I offer to take her home at night but she says 'oh no, ill just stop her' like she's doing me a favour. I feel like making her get the flaming bus next time. I'm dreading Christmas, I can see this routine lasting for a whole week!
She also never shuts up. So when I want to potter around and sort dd and myself out at leisure, shes yapping on, firing nosey questions at me. I love the woman to bits but she's really beginning to irritate me.
It wouldn't bother me so much if it was a Saturday as dp could get up with lo on the Sunday, spend some time with his mum, and we could drop her off on the Sunday on our way to church but he wont even have that. He says I am selfish and his Mum is lonely. Lonely! Don't make me laugh. She's retired and spends all day every day with her mates, shopping or taking up classes and hobbies. You think she would be glad of the peace at weekend!
Phew! I feel a bit better now

OP posts:

diddl · 07/12/2009 09:17

For four mile can´t she get a taxi?

Or how about they both go & get p!ssed at her place & leave you & daughter in peace?

Couldn´t be doing with two grown ups who don´t know when to stop drinking tbh.

Have they thought about AlAnon?

StealthPolarBear · 07/12/2009 09:19

agree with diddl
plus is she up & ready to be taken back early on a monday? if not, leave them to it

Brunettelady · 07/12/2009 09:24

YANBU. This sounds like a bloody awful thing every week!! Don't go out for lunch with them every time. Then your DP will have to drive and can't start drinking. Also say about the dropping her off on Mondays. Tell her you are always late and your boss has had a word with you and they are not happy about it. She either gets the bus or you take her home on the Sunday. Personally, I think she should go on the Sunday. How dare they pass out, wake up, drink again, pass out and leave you to clean up the mess!! I wouldn't have put up with this after a couple of weeks tbh. And if she isn't lonely then she really has no excuse. Just tell your DP that you aren't doing it anymore.

Original poster

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 07/12/2009 09:26

I have suggested AA on more than one occasion but get laughed at! I don't think you can reason with people with such small brains They seem to think that it is normal behaviour and cannot get their heads around t-totallers!
I will suggest him going to hers. She is up when we are up, the flat is tiny so she has no choice. I thought about leaving her here to get the bus at a more reasonable hour but I thought she would spend a couple of hours nosying first. All you hear when she goes in the kitchen/bathroom is cupboards opening and closing.
Also, they left it a tip, there were crisp bags/twix wrappers and cups/wine glasses etc. all over. If she would've stayed and not cleaned it up then I would've fallen out with her so I have that to come home to

OP posts:

Uriel · 07/12/2009 09:29

I couldn't stand this - how do you bear it, week in, week out?

diddl · 07/12/2009 09:29

Is it just me who finds the thought of married man & his mum regularly getting drunk odd?

Brunettelady · 07/12/2009 09:38

diddl, yes it does seem very odd.

Hassled · 07/12/2009 09:39

This is INSANE. Between now and next Sunday, find something that you and your DD aboslutely have to do on Sunday - make something up if you need to. So you're not there for lunch, and they'll have to sort themselves out.

Tell the MIL you will be sacked if you're late on more Monday. They are well and truly taking the piss and yes, an adult man getting pissed with his mother evey week is just downright odd.

Original poster

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 07/12/2009 09:43

Haha @ it being odd.
It is very odd but they have always done it. Drinking is a bit part of their family culture I suppose. They use any excuse to crack a bottle open and they all drink like fish. Don't get me wrong, they are not like the Dingles or something you would see on Jeremy Kyle, they are very well educated people with good jobs, nice houses etc, I guess that makes it all the more odd!
It used to happen periodically, once a month or so, which I could cope with as it was usually on a Saturday but it is for the last 3 months or so that it has become routine. I think I will plan days out for Sundays instead of Saturdays and suggest he goes to her house to binge drink with his mother!

OP posts:

diddl · 07/12/2009 09:47

I don´t think it´s odd them having a drink over lunch.

It´s the carrying on to the point of passing out.
And the fact that they can´t see that this is at the least anti social when you are around shows that they both have a problem imo.

sweetkitty · 07/12/2009 10:16

That is terrible sorry and there is no way that would happen in my house.

Your DH is coparent for your DD but every Sunday he is passing out and leaving you to it? So on a Sunday you have to watch the two of them getting really drunk and passing out and clearing up after them? Where is your Sunday with your family?

This Sunday tell your DH you are meeting a friend going Xmas shopping and having dinner and won't be back until later and leave him to it.

StealthPolarBear · 07/12/2009 10:18

You could always tell one how worried you are about the amount the other drinks - that you think it's becoming a problem

AMumInScotland · 07/12/2009 10:53

I think you simply have to decide that you are no longer going to enable this behaviour.

So - next Sunday you are not available to go out to the pub. They can get a taxi or bus, or walk.

You are also not available to give her a lift on Monday morning - as others have said, your boss has had a word about you being late so you don't have time.

And stop clearing up after them. If they won't do it themselves without being asked, then tell DP to do it next day.

They are adults and it can be hard to stop them doing what they choose. But you can change what you do, to make it less convenient for them.

hormonalmum · 07/12/2009 11:11

There is no way I would put up with this. Tell your dh that if he insists on going out drinking he does it at a time convenient to you both.
My mil would happily go out with dh and leave me at home. Once upon a time, i would let this happen. Not anymore and they both know it!

minxofmancunia · 07/12/2009 11:14

yanbu this is wierd and horrible behaviour. next Sunday just take your dd and go out somewhere just the 2 of you.

My MiL takes the piss at times but this is in a different league altogether. Also how horrible for yur dd, 2 of the main adults in her life wrecked every sunday afternoon .

It's pet hate of mine to see adults getting wrecked in front of their children, a few glasses a bit tipsy is one thing, but to the point of oblivion and passing out. just selfish and tbh unsavoury for want of a better word.

just don't tolerate it. Your MiL sounds v strage and you're enabling their behaviour by allowing to carry on give them lifts etc.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 07/12/2009 11:17

How old is your child?

Personally I'd use my child as my impetus to stop this situation. I would simply not put up with my husband and mother in law drinking themselves into oblivion in front of my child. It's just not a good example for a child to grow up with. Ask your MIL and DP if they really want drunkenness to be part of her everyday life and do they really want to give her memories of her dad and granny passed out on the sofa drunk? yuk.

em83 · 07/12/2009 11:28

how very immature of your dp and mil ! YANBU i would be furious , what wxample are they setting to your child ?
i wouls suggest if she has to come over, then make it on a saturday or maybes on a sunday but perhaps 1-2 times a month not every week.

Original poster

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 07/12/2009 11:35

She's nearly 2. It's so sad, when we go shopping she says 'are we buying daddy wine?' He thinks it's hilarious
She doesn't see them passed out, she's usually in bed by 6.30/7.00. I have started to go with her cos they annoy me so much. Sat in my bedroom in my own home at 7 o'clock!
This Sunday, I have planned to go and see my elderly uncle on the coast, 50 miles away, who I have not seen for 6 months. I have not told the 2 reprobates, I'll tell them when I drop them at the pub for their lunch let them make their own sodding way home!
It's also mils birthday on Wednesday, I am not partaking in the meal as I don't want to encourage them, it's too late for dd anyway. He can take the car or get a taxi. I have texted him and told him that should he wish to continue the festivities afterwards, he can do so at his mum's or sister's. Not here.
I'm gettin 'ard, me!

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 07/12/2009 11:35

I agree with MumInScotland's very wise post: the first step is to stop enabling this. Don't drive them anywhere, don't clean up after them, and don't hang out with them while they're getting shitfaced. Don't even go for lunch with them!

This sort of thing might be considered 'normal' in their family, but it does not have to become normal in yours; i.e, in front of your child.

MamaLazarou · 07/12/2009 11:36

Sorry, cross-post. Well done, that sounds like a very good start. Good luck x

Vivia · 07/12/2009 12:10

Well done you!

Jux · 07/12/2009 12:17

As you're the taxi anyway, I would just drive her home on Sunday. If your dh wants to carry on boozing with her, then he can do it at hers, and leave you and dd to have a nice quiet evening and sensible morning.

diddl · 07/12/2009 12:51

Well done!
Am[envy)at a trip to the coast!

diddl · 07/12/2009 13:24

WRT Sunday, is there anyway you can ensure that extra drinking continues at MILs?

So that you don´t have to come back to two passed out p!ssheads, & so that you don´t have to drive her back Mon am?

Original poster

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 07/12/2009 15:29

Theres no way I can ensure it but most of the bars/restaurants are near her house so im hoping they will go there as it is nearer for them. I will have a nice day with my uncle (hope the weather improves tho!) and I'll pick him up on the way home and send him straight to bed. Or I may pick myself up a nice bottle of chianti, put dd in bed and pour me a nice big glass so i cant pick him up.

OP posts:

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