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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect my dcs to be punished for other dcs behaviour

15 replies

famishedass · 05/12/2009 20:51

let me explain.

Twice this week I have had mums cancel playdates that my sons were invited to because the friends that my son were invited to play with had been naughty.

So, as a way of punishing their naughty sons, both these mums, on separate occasions decided to cancel their playdate.

Thing is, that's punishing my kids too. They were looking forward to going, they've done nothing wrong, now they are being told they can't go coz the other kids been naughty.

AIBU to expect parents to punish their children without punishing mine too. I'm quite put out by it to be honest.

OP posts:
clankypanky · 05/12/2009 21:49

I think you are being unreasonable. Their priority is their children not yours and if they felt their children have been too naughty to have guests then so be it. It actually sends a good message to your child because it will make them understand that there are boundaries across the board and that naughty behaviour should not be rewarded. You are a grown up, explain it to them and you do something nice with them instead.

MavisEnderby · 05/12/2009 21:54

yabu,I think they have to be seen to stick to their guns if they have threatened withdrawl of a playdate as a punishment for bad behaviour,otherwise it will mean nothing in terms of managing behaviour.It IS unfortunate for your dcs but if another mum explained the situation to me I would understand as I would do the same for own dcs if that makes sense?You could always do something else with your dcs as a treat instead and am sure there will be many more playtimes.

2shoes · 05/12/2009 21:56

yanbu
I never understood this as I aggree it punishes the other child.
surely they could find another thing to do.

bigchris · 05/12/2009 22:00

yanbu
agree with 2shoes
another punishment can easily be found

MavisEnderby · 05/12/2009 22:00

I think TIMING is the crux.If the bad behaviour was immediately before the playdate then fair enough.It is immediate and observable by the child.If the playdate is in,say 2 days time I think it isunreasonable as something else could be used as removing a priveledge.What I am trying to sy is that I think that for young children if you aregoing to withdraw a priveledge it needs to be something that is current to their world so they can link cause and effect.

kinnies · 05/12/2009 22:02

yabu

I can understand that you are upset for your son but would you rather your sons friends learnt how to behave well or just got away with murder?
Also it it not your call what other mothers allow their own Dc to do (or not do)
I've never had to cancel a play date for bad behaviour before, but I would if I needed to. My son knows this so does not push his luck.
Different parents different ways of doing things.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 05/12/2009 22:03

That bugs me big time too. I too think another punishment should be found.
And is that not teaching children thats its ok to let other people down?

EndangeredSpecies · 05/12/2009 22:03

yabu, agree with clankypanky.
I've actually done this with my dcs a couple of times, it's one of the very few punishments that has any real effect on them.

2shoes · 05/12/2009 22:07

so the op's dc's have to miss out because the mother can't use a different punishment!!! can't be that hard.
I have seen it bing used for birthday parties too, so the birthday child is punished.......very odd imo

EndangeredSpecies · 05/12/2009 22:13

It can be that hard 2shoes. A child who's playing up and having tantrums will just become even more rowdy and unmanageable when their friends come round.... end result, the visiting children don't enjoy themselves either and the whole playdate will be a disaster.

2shoes · 05/12/2009 22:23

or they can calm down at the sight of a friend

shouldbeironing · 05/12/2009 22:30

I think it does depend on the situation - if it is a friend who visits fairly regularly then it isnt so bad.
But my DD has very few playdates. She counts the days down to a playdate. If one was cancelled like this she would be very very upset.
I would hope that the other parent had cancelled as a last resort as it can be very hurtful to the other child no matter how you try and wrap it up and explain it away.

I am not saying that it is never acceptable - sometimes I suppose the parent must think that they simply cant go ahead with the playdate.
I have never had to do this. But if I ever have to cancel due to illness for example, I always try and rearrange straight away so that the other child can be told there is a new date lined up.

EndangeredSpecies · 05/12/2009 22:34

they can yes. But normally on arrival the parents of visiting children stick their oar in and downplay the crap behaviour "oh but he's so lovely I'm sure he didn't mean to kick off in the middle of the supermarket/draw all over the sofa/hurl abuse at you for asking him to put his shoes on/all in the same day" while smiling benignly at DS. Which tends to piss me off as he should be in his room by himself until he remembers how to behave.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 05/12/2009 22:35

I wouldn't do it so YANBU. DH has threatened DD with it before now and I've had to interupt and say "no, its not fair on X". So TV has been banned or other punishment instead.

flyingdolphin · 06/12/2009 09:54

YANBU
My kids would not be too worried about a playdate being cancelled, but I still think this is actually quite a selfish thing to do - does this mean that a promise to somebody else's child is worth less than your own principles about upbringing?
If you are worried that they will behave badly on the playdate, then why not warn the other parents that your child is being ratty, offer to pick them up early if need be, or ask them whether they still want to go ahead with it?

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