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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being "sarky"?

64 replies

Gateaux · 04/12/2009 14:54

DP is absolutely OBSESSED with everything being 100% fair (as long as it's in his favour, anyway).

So for instance, if I buy my son a pair of trainers because he needs them, DP will buy his son some trainers just to make it fair.

If my son has a yogurt before he goes to school, DP will try and force a yogurt down his son's throat just to make it "fair".

Anyway, we were sat wrapping christmas pressies this morning and DP wanted us to wrap the same presents in the same paper. So for instance, if I wrapped an xbox game in the red snowman paper, DP would make sure he wrapped an xbox game up in the same paper etc it really was ridiculous and I was chuckling to myself about it.

However, he then started on the tags.

"Which tag did you use for that present? the reindeer or the santa? could you pass me one the same please" etc.

In the end I got so pissed off with it. He was wrapping up a present and I said to him "how many pieces of celotape have you used on that pressie? five? well I've only used four on this one so could you pass me another piece please?"

Anyway he THREW the celotape at me and called me a "sarcy little cow" and stormed off. He's still not talking to me but refuses to admit that his "fairness lark" is OTT.

Should I have just kept quiet or what?

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 04/12/2009 15:35

I find it a bit scary - firstly, that he has so little trust for you, always suspecting you of being ready to be unfair. Secondly, because he sounds pretty irrational. It's worrying when someone lacks insight into their own behaviour to such a degree.

kinnies · 04/12/2009 15:35

I couldnt stay with a 'man' like this.
Grow a pair and tell him not to be abusive to your child.

sorry to be blunt but if you stand by and let this happen then you are as bad as him.

p.s I may be way off the mark, but do you have a box room?.......

StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2009 15:36

that isn't normal
(though I must admit to a sneaky feeling of unfairness on behalf of your outdoor rabbits )

AMumInScotland · 04/12/2009 15:37

Isn't that odd kinnies, I was just wondering the same thing...

Original poster
Gateaux · 04/12/2009 15:37

No the outdoor rabbits are always full of food, veg, clean water etc, it's just that the indoor ones get a few 'extras' as they are easy to get to!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gateaux · 04/12/2009 15:38

a box room?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 04/12/2009 15:40

A psycho-analyst would have a field day with him. Do you think he got left out unfairly as a boy growing up?

AMumInScotland · 04/12/2009 15:40

Just a similarity to another poster with a strange DP and stepchildren and pets.

Really, you need to sit him down and have a proper conversation about how you manage your whole stepfamily relationships - being obsessive about "fairness" when it's only one way is not healthy, and sounds like it is really about a deeper problem over how you all deal with your lives together.

borderslass · 04/12/2009 15:42

How long have you put up with this bizarre behaviour.Sorry but he would of been kicked into touch if it was me.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/12/2009 15:43

I'm sure I remember gateaux from other posts, I don't think she's the mad post and run merchant!

Original poster
Gateaux · 04/12/2009 15:44

We have had this discussion though, not that long ago. I told him there was no need to be OTT about the fairness thing. It's beyond silly and it just wears me down. I get to the point where I find myself ironing DSS's clothes before DS's just so that DP can't say I'm being unfair.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/12/2009 15:46

I used to have a thing about 'fairness' as a kid. I used to rotate my dolls in the bed so they wouldn't feel left out. But I was a kid. He's a grown man!

NicknameTaken · 04/12/2009 15:46

How do DSS and DS see it? Do they think it's funny? Are they resentful?

Original poster
Gateaux · 04/12/2009 15:50

DS finds it funny sometimes but other times he just gets really annoyed by it. DSS doesn't find it funny at all.

On the 1st dec, DSS went to school without his advent calender chocolate as he forgot. DS didn't, he ate his.

So when DP came home from work, he decided that everyone must "wait" for DSS to eat his advent calender before they open their other one. DSS didn't even want it there and then but DP was in such a flap about it and everyone else was stood around getting frustrated that DSS ended up having to eat it just to keep the peace! it's absolutely raving.

OP posts:
kinnies · 04/12/2009 15:53

Sorry not who I thought you were

Really grab your kid (& pets) and run from this nut job. He is not right and I am worried for your sons safty.

NicknameTaken · 04/12/2009 15:54

In a way, it's a good thing DSS is embarassed by it - it would be worse if it gave him a sense of entitlement.

I think Something Needs to Be Done, but I can't think of any good advice. You and DS can walk away, but DSS clearly can't. Have you tried talking to DP not in the heat of the moment, but at another time? Has he any self-awareness about this at all?

AMumInScotland · 04/12/2009 15:54

I think he needs to start understanding the difference between "fair" and "identical" - eg if you had 2 children, one of whom loved swimming and one loved football. Sending them both on a football camp would be equal treatment, but not the slightest bit fair. He also needs to think through what it is in his own past which makes him so bothered by this - I'd guess he was not treated fairly by his own parents, to be so obsessed by the idea now.

KurriKurri · 04/12/2009 15:55

If your DP is behaving like this, he will create problems and resentments between your boys.

Why is he so concerned with fairness being an immediate thing? My children understood that if someone has something on one occasion and the other doesn't, eventually things will be evened out, in the bigger picture.

He sounds slightly obsessed, does he have a sibling he felt was greatly favoured over him? [amateur psychoanalyst emoticon]

StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2009 15:57

lol at rabbits, sounds like they're all very well looked after!
How do you think he;'d react if dss said "stop it dad, this is ridiculous. i actually don't care if he has a biscuit more than me"
worrying the messages he's sending about food, gifts, everything really!

PrincessToadstool · 04/12/2009 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bewler · 04/12/2009 16:08

Maybe your DP was an outdoor rabbit in a former life and wants to redress the balance...

On a serious note, its the throwing the cellotape at you that I don't like. Sounds like he has anger management issues.

PuppyMonkey · 04/12/2009 16:20

Always thought it was sellotape you know... irrelevant.

Ronaldinhio · 04/12/2009 16:23

sitting

kinnies · 04/12/2009 16:27

Think I may join princessToadstool

BalloonSlayer · 04/12/2009 16:36

I am PMSL at the thought of the OP's DP imagining the rabbits muttering among themselves about how many carrots the others have got. Even Beatrix Potter would baulk at that level of anthropomorphism.

Did he hold the indoor ones up to the window and seperate their paws for them so they could give the outside ones a V-sign?

Or just play a recording of Nelson from the Simpsons going "HAA-ha!" outside their hutch all day?