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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...To want to spend Christmas day with my Mum?

14 replies

MissMackenzie · 04/12/2009 10:42

I've never done this before so I hope i'm doing it right!

My problem is this:
for the last 3 or 4 years, we (me, DP and DS) have spent Christmas day with DP's parents and grandparents at their house. This arrangement has always worked well, as my Mum has also been invited (she is on her own since my Dad died many years ago). We have always been invited in person by DP's Mum, and have gratefully accepted. This year however, we were only 'invited' through DP after I asked him to find out what was going on. I have seen his parents twice since then, and Christmas hasn't been mentioned. I get the feeling that she might (quite rightly) have decided that as we've been there for the last few years, she'd like a break. The problem I have is that as my Mum is on her own, I want to spend the day with her, and DP will want to spend it with his parents. This means that he won't get to see DS on Christmas day. Should I see my Mum? Or should I go to DP's parent's without her? OR should we just stay at home for the day with my Mum, and put up with DP's sulking that he won't see his parents?!
Help please!

OP posts:

Tommy · 04/12/2009 10:47

ah.... Christmas.......

you, your DP and your child are a family now. You have to make new traditions.

Can you invite them all to your house?
Can you explain to DP that you want to do something different this year?
Can you have Chrstmas Day wth just the 3 of you and see them on the other days?

emsyj · 04/12/2009 10:48

Is there a reason why you can't host Christmas for everyone at your house? That's what we're doing this year, to save the mums from the hard work of shopping, cooking and cleaning up. Maybe that's what your ILs would really like, a bit of reciprocity? Especially if they're getting older. It's very tiring to have guests.

MaggieNollaig · 04/12/2009 10:49

yeah I think it's your turn to do it

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 04/12/2009 10:50

It is entirely possible that the formal in person invitation hasn't been given this year because it is just taken as a given that you are all going there as it has become the norm?
You won't know until you ask someone really but I would in one way or another make sure you see your mum especially as she will be on her own.

diddl · 04/12/2009 10:50

If the three of you stay at home, how would this affect anyone else?

Your partner, a grown man, would sulk if he didn´t see his parents Christmas Day-seriously?

mazzystartled · 04/12/2009 10:52

Can you host this year?

Are you close enough to spend half the day at your mums and half the day at your inlaws?

Can you speak to your MIL yourself and work it out - maybe she is just assuming you are all coming?

I need to be with my mum on xmas day (even at 40). My dad died when I was 17 and my mum's still single many years later. I spent one christmas with a (then) boyfriend's family and still feel regret about it.

Original poster

MissMackenzie · 04/12/2009 10:52

Ahh... sorry, forgot to say that whilst I'm quite happy for everyone to come to us, we have a V small house and no dining table, so Christmas dinner would be out. I guess the other option would be to go out for dinner, but I'm thinking I may have left it a bit late to book anywhere.

OP posts:

emsyj · 04/12/2009 10:55

I have had 14 people for dinner in a very small terraced house... You could borrow a plastic garden table and put a cloth on it.

Why don't you just speak to your MIL and ask her if she is hoping for a break this year and open up a discussion? It could be as another poster has said that she just assumes you're coming, or it could be that she just wants a rest or whatever. Can you have the conversation with her?

Not sure if you're too late to book a restaurant, but that would be a nice idea to take everyone out and then go back to your house for drinks and an evening buffet later on.

nancy75 · 04/12/2009 10:56

is there room to have it at your mums house, invite the ils and you cook?

Original poster

MissMackenzie · 04/12/2009 11:02

I had never even considered half of these options! Duh! I think I have been caught up in the thought that it's all down to me to please everyone. I think the next step is to discuss it with MIL and see how she really feels about it. The 'half the day with each' idea is going to be out, as they live about 2 hours away from each other. I do like the 'garden table' idea too! And hopefully by next year we'll be organised enough to have a real table!
Thanks for the input everyone, I'll update ASAP.
x

OP posts:

AmericanHag · 04/12/2009 17:23

YANBU. If at all possible, in your position, I'd stay home and invite Mum and ILs. They can always say no.

worldgonemad72 · 05/12/2009 21:46

If you get the feeling they want a break from 'doing' christmas for all of you why would your dp still go? Just invite your mum over to yours and tell the inlaws you'll see them boxing day or something. Tell your dp he'll only get coal in his stocking if he carries on sulking

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 05/12/2009 21:58

It would be awful for your mum to be alone on xmas day so whatever happens i think she should be invited - you could ask them round, i have a tiny terraced house and last year we had my mum, DPs parents, BIL, SIL and four kids, SIL grown up nephew and my grown up DD her BF round on boxing day - it was great - um, i wont be doing it this year though, lol only just recovered!!

You could go to the local charity shops and get a table for peanuts, doesn't have to be huge dining table, do a buffet - better than a claggy roast anyway. Be a lovely change for everyone.

As for DP sulking - tell him to grow up

Original poster

MissMackenzie · 09/12/2009 14:22

After a lot of faffing the following decisions have been made:
me and DS will spend Christmas eve with my Mum (as DP is working all day and night), and me, DS and DP will visit the IL's on Boxing day. On Christmas day either my mum will come to ours, or DP will go to his parents and I'll stay at my mum's. (I'm still waiting for him to make up his mind. Personally I think he should want to stay at home with me and his son but quite frankly I'm fed up with trying to please everyone).
Thanks for the advice everyone, next year I'm going to start planning in August-and I'm going to do what the hell I want!! As I'll have two DC's by then I think I'm entitled to make the decision next time-not to mention all the stress of this year that I've had.
I hope Christmas is wonderful for you all x

OP posts:

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