to want to stop DP going out at all

[clacketyclack]

Hi, I have never posted on AIBU and am more of a lurker. However I need some objective opinions as it's a matter I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about. I don't want people saying 'ah poor you' I'd rather have people's honest opinions even if its not what I want to hear!
Before I got pregnant I will admit to going out a lot, drinking probably to excess, occassionally forgetting large parts of the night. Me and DP got wasted together a lot. Not something I look back on with pride, and I am glad that that part of my life is done with. I do still go out occassionally, but I always stay in control, get home early or make arrangements to stay with a friend as I don't want to be anywhere near my daughter if I am even slightly drunk.
However I am having real issues with DP.
He did cut down his drinking while I was pregnant, only going out a few times before and after our DD was born (she is now 9 months). But without fail, every single one of the those times has ended with drama, normally him getting on the wrong train, falling asleep and ending up miles away then having to fork out for an expensive taxi that we can't afford. Usually whilst carrying a laptop. I will then be subjected to drunken nonsensical phonecalls in the early hours, worrying me silly til he gets home. I even had to get up at 1am whilst heavily pregnant and run to local cashpoint as he had lost his wallet and couldn't pay the taxi.
Last weekened was the worst, Friday he was going out for 'a couple' with work, ended up really drunk by 9pm, then met a friend, drank some more, got on the wrong train etc etc. I tried to let it go, but Saturday night his brother stayed. We had a nice dinner, they went to the local pub, again for 'a couple'. I fell asleep. Woke up at 2am still not home. They got home at 2.30am really drunk, then despite me repeatedly asking DP to tell his brother that they both needed to go to bed, they stayed up for an extra hour, in and out of both the bathroom and front door to smoke, both of which are next to our DDs bedroom door. I was livid as she wakes really easily (plus DP doesn;t even smoke and it really bothers me). Anyway, after finally coming to bed, I am woken just before 5am by his brother banging around in the hall (we live in a v. small flat).It sounded like he was trying to come into our bedroom so I was wide awake in a panic. Then it went quiet, and I heard him PISSING against our bedroom door. I tried to wake DP and just couldn't, I had no idea what to do and was so ANGRY that I stayed awake until 7am when I got DD and took her out for the day. I just couldn't bear for her to be anywhere near that kind of situation.
I still feel sick, he could easily have done it on her pram, or gone one door down which is her room.
Obviously he was mortified the next day and they both apologised profusely (I blame DP as he should have laid down the house rules and not let either of them get in that state).
I have now had enough. Am I unreasonable to tell DP that he just can't ever go out and drink, as he doesn't keep his promises and I feel dread every time it happens, even though it is only about twice a month?
Or do I have to accept that this is going to keep on happening, I can't change it, and reasses the relationship? It's fine 28 days of the month, but the 2 days he drinks are ruining it for me.
His father is a recovering alcohlic and him and his brothers all seem to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol so perhaps I am fighting a losing battle.
Frank opinions appreciated, even if it's to tell me I'm a boring old cow....

you are not a boring old cow
what did he say about the incident?

yanbu, I would be telling him that if he continues to get in that state then to stay elsewhere on the night in question and you'll see him the next day as you cannot be putting up with this type of behaviour.

You are so NOT being unreasonable! The man has responsibilities and he needs to buck up and remember it.

This isn't about going out for a couple of pints, this is about someone who cannot control his drinking.

I used to be a total piss heas quite honestly and wish I hadn't been but once you have children you have to grow up - you've done it and so should he

You can't tell him he can/can't do anything, he is an adult.

However you can say that you are unimpressed with his behaviour and that if it keeps happening you will be reconsidering the relationship and whether you want to continue living with him or not.

I would go fucking ballistic if an adult pee'd anywhere in my house other than the toilet! They would have been asked to leave right then and if they didn't I would have walked out immediately and left DH to kick his brother out on the understanding I was not returning until brother was gone/the hall was properly cleaned. The brother would no longer be welcome in my home ever again.

YANBU. If he can't control himself whilst drunk then he needs to stay away from it. Everyone likes a drink but things change when you've got kids and you have to make sacrifices. You obviosuly have, but he needs to now as well. I would definitely ban anyone who peed in my house!

YANBU - though you cant impose your will on him. All you can do is let him know how totally and utterly unimpressed with his behaviour and how next time when he goes out with his brother neither of them will be staying at your flat and you will be turning the phone off and refusing to come to his drunken aid so he needs to grow up and realise he's an adult who is accountable for his actions.

Gawd yes forgot about turning phone off. You know what? DH wouldn't even call me to come rescue him if he was drunk somewhere and had screwed up getting home. Because he knows I would laugh at him and leave him to it, so he doesn't get so drunk he can't get home himself (same goes for me).

gosh. Reading the thread title I came on to this thread to say yabu, but after reading the op I think differently.

Tbh this isn't about your dp going out - it's about the fact that he seems unable to moderate his drinking, and that would concern me.

Can I ask, does he drink at home?

I think that needing to drink to excess every time he goes out does indicate a bit of an issue wrt alcohol and I would be having serious words about it. But only he can stop drinking, so if it were me I would be inclined to say that either he moderates his drinking or I would be questioning the relationship.

Hi,
thanks for the replies.
Morloth, that is exactly what I did do, I sent him a text at 5am telling him what had just happened, that I was going out, he should call me when he wakes as I have no iddea where I'll be, and the house better be spotless and bleached. He called me at 11am when he woke (lovely lie in for him then...).
The house was immaculate when I got back and there was a big bunch of flowers. Brother was still there despite me saying I wanted him to be out for the day when I got back (he lives very far away and was still staying 2 nights, didn't feel I could kick him out). It was awful, he was obviously mortified and couldn't look at me. To add, he is in his early 40s and a medical professional so you would just not expect it.
Wannabe, that's the thing. We have a glass of wine every other night with dinner and he is fine to have one and stop. The problem is, I think, that he drinks so rarely, he can't handle it, is pissed after what to his mates is a moderate amount, then loses all control. Which is why I am finding it hard to know where to go as we do enjoy wine together no problem, it is going out with other people that is the problem.
He knows how I feel, I have tried crying, shouting, calmly telling him his behavious is making me fall out of love with him and will lead to us breaking up if it doesn't end. Then it will be a few weeks before he goes out and the memory will have dimmed and it all starts again.
The memory of someone pissing in my house isn't dimming this time and perhaps has made me realise I need to do something. But if his daughter (who he loves completely, I have no doubt of that) can't make a difference, then will anything? I don't want to break up, especially not with a small child. But I can't bear a lifetime of dealing with this. He is old enough to know better

Sorry StealthPolarBear realised I didn't answer your question. DP was as disturbed as I was about the incident, but actually seemed to feel more sorry for his brother as he seemed to depressed and down about the whole thing. His defence was 'but I can remember the whole evening so i can't have been that drunk!' and didn't have much to say about the fact I couldn't wake him after it happened, other than apologising. His solution was that we can't have people to stay anymore, which actually I agree with anyway

everyone enjoys a night out but that sounds excessive - getting so pissed that they dont know what the hell they are doing is awful, not to mention risky.

id tell him if he isnt home by a certain time the door will be locked, and if he wants to go and get well and truly ratarsed he needs to stay elsewhere so you dont have to deal with the fall out.

id be livid.

I would sit him down when dd is in bed and tell him how and why you have changed your drinking behaviour. Then explain how your dd is likley to inherit his ehaviour if she conitnues to see it. I'd be graphic about the possible consquences for her drinking her self stupid- waking up god knows where etc. That may ring home

Oh God poor you. My best mate is currently separated from her H because (mainly) she has lived with years of this shit and he won't change. My DH has a spectacularly stupid relationship with alcohol and used to be similar. To be fair to him he has taken responsibility and has not got horribly drunk since last Xmas (it used to be at least twice a month, like yours OP)

What they don't understand is that even a 'quiet drink', even if it actually is just a couple then home by 11, makes us feel on edge, panicky and not sleep properly. It's a conditioning thing and it's very hard to break. I only now, a year on, feel I can relax when DH goes out.

I can't really advise you, DH's change in behaviour was nothing to do with me nagging, being broke, or anything, he just decided he didn't want to be like that anymore. The last incident was pretty terrible but I don't think it was that either. Thank goodness he did decide that though as I couldn't have lived like that for 20 years

Kat, your message kind of makes me want to cry as it sounds so similar. Except I can't imagine DP changing.

I brought this up today ass he has gone out for some work drinks (it is kind of compulsary as his company has merged and its to meet the new colleagues). He told me he'd be back at 8.30 however we've just had an argument as he's now refusing to give me a time and saying he's just going to have a few and then come back.

The fact that nobody thinks IABU just goes to show how much of a problem there is I guess. I just need to think about my next step carefully as I don't get the impression he is really listening to me or believing what I say on the matter...

Relate. Tell him it's relate and/or AA or the door. You can't raise children in this kind o environment.

The brother cannot ever come and stay again. I cannot conceive of how anyone could get so drunk (and believe me I can drink, an amount I am not proud of) that they do not know they are pissing in someone's hall way. All that happened was he was so disinhibited he didn't care.

georgimama
sadly plenty of men seem to be able to piss in the wrong place. Aforementioned friend's H pissed in their child's bed. I know of many men who have shat themselves, pissed themselves and pissed in bedrooms, cupboards etc. I cannot understand it and I do not know one woman who has ever done that.

(My DH never pissed anywhere but the toilet afaik...he did wet the bed once but he hadn't been drinking! Just very deeply asleep )

OP, sorry if I've struck a chord. I do understand how you feel. It can't go on

Well, I still think that comes down to a quite deliberate decision to not bother with normal social constraints because they're drunk and can't be bothered. The fact that no woman either of us knows has ever done that proves my point.

I would divorce a man who pissed in my child's bed.

I really sympathise with you. I put up with this for 8 years, not twice a month mind, but every two months at least, sometimes once a month, it doesnt matter, it's something you never want to see, your husband staggering around, blind drunk, mine tried to piss in the kitchen sink once, and pissed in the bedroom on a couple of occasions. He has finally changed his behaviour, because I got so desperate I went to his parents for help, then it was all out in the open, and he finally realised that things had to change. He has not had a bad binge like that in two years now. He has overdone it on the odd occasion, I don't like it but I can tolerate it as overall things have vastly improved. You need to stay strong for you and you child is the maine thing and you don't have to put up with this. It is imperative that if you cannot approach a family member (and in his case it sounds like you cant given his father and brothers dysfunctional relationship with booze) then you must get counselling for yourself and/or get in touch with al-anon. This will really help you and give you the support you need to address his problem. You cant make him change but you can decide for yourself that you will not accept certain behaviour in your home, after that it's up to him. My hunch and hope is that your husband will grow up and change his behaviour but you have to draw the boundaries and let him follow.

My DP (28) is exactly the same but we don't have children. One morning I woke at 5am and he wasn't home (he get's totally wrecked and is normally sick/gets lost/loses stuff etc), which is unusual as he normally back by 3am at the latest.

Anyway I woke up saw he wasn't there went to see if he's crashed somewhere else in the house and he was nowhere. By now I was getting myself in a panic, what if he's been mugged etc etc. Rang his mobile about 6 time no answer left a voicemail waited up 30 mins so by now 6am and still nothing from him.

And suddenly something in me snapped. I put keys in all the locks in the doors so he couldn't use his key and thought fuck it it's his problem he's a big boy he can sort it out.

Anyway he got home at 8am couldn't get it, rang me I ignored my phone, pretending to be asleep - he slept on the door step until 10am. I then let him in and would not let him go back to bed, forced him to do a food shop. When we got home I basically said if you're not home in a sober state I don't want you home and if you're going to be back after 2.30am I want you to text me, all it needs to say is "I'm not dead". I don't care where you are or who you are with I just would like to know you're not dead.

Since then he's never done it again, touch wood. He does have his staff party tomorrow night though, which I am dreading a little.

YANBU to be annoyed.

If my dp goes out and gets smashed then he find his own way home. Sometimes he will call me but I will turn my phone off when I go to bed so I don't get the middle of the night calls. If he was doing it every single weekend I'd be pissed off, but once a month or once every 2 months I can easily cope with. He's an adult and looks after himself in the end.

However, once we live together he will be expected to stay elsewhere if he is getting really wasted as I wouldn't have hom like that near my dd. Same as if i have a night out with the girls it will be when dd's at her GP's so I don't have to be responsible mummy til the next morning and she doesn't have to see me drunk.

I wouldn't text and repeadly call my dp if he's out. Unless I need to speak to him. It'd drive me barmy if he kept calling me once it hit 1am to find out where i was, who I was with etc. I come back when I'm finished with my night out. I can't really understand why people do this.