Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to not want to take my DS to my mum's

20 replies

Igglybuff · 03/12/2009 12:30

DS is 9 weeks old and my first. My mum is married to a violent bad-tempered man and has been for 15 years.

She has been to visit twice since DS was born (sorry, I mean she's been "allowed" to visit by her husband. He's a control freak and has confiscated her keys?!!!)

They both smoke like chimneys and rarely open their windows so their house reeks. I used to visit every fortnight and sometimes used to get tightening in my chest when there, it was that bad.

They have a dog which they keep in the kitchen. So I've been served food with dog hair in it....!

I don't want my DS in their house. I don't want him exposed to that much smoke, I don't like the dog (it jumps, barks etc although mum claims he's harmless ) and I hate her husband. He's got such a temper and has flipped out when I've been there (shouting and slamming doors).

Mum is welcome to visit us and she has, bringing her husband which I've accepted.

So AIBU to not want to take DS to her house? He's her first grandchild so I feel guilty but my instinct is to keep him away. Plus I think/hope it might make mum see what a rubbish situation she's in (she has talked about leaving but I can't make her and I'm not sure she can/wants too).

OP posts:

lolapoppins · 03/12/2009 12:37

YANBU at all.

I feel so sorry for your mum though, what a shit situation to be in.

Will she listn to your concerns about her husband at all? Confiscating her keys is just insane, he clearly has problems. I wouldn't want my child growing upa round a man like that at all tbh.

Original poster

Igglybuff · 03/12/2009 12:43

Thanks. I'm sure I'm doing the right thing but the guilt...

Me and my brother despair at my mum's situation. It's classic abused wife syndrome - she knows it's bad (I have two half siblings who live with her) but goes from hating him to making excuses for him. She knows our thoughts on him but lies to him about why we might not visit. She also lies to us when he's had a strop and doesn't want us to see her.

OP posts:

lolapoppins · 03/12/2009 12:48

Does she have to visit with her husband? Is she not allowed to visit on her own? It must be horrible when he is there as well.

Does she ever meet up with you without him, in town for a coffee or whatever?

It seems such a shame that her situation is stopping her from spending time with her first grandchild, but you are right not to take a baby into that situation.

Original poster

Igglybuff · 03/12/2009 12:53

yes - he wont let her out of his sight. I've accepted the situation for so long but feel helpless - basically he's extremely paranoid (caused by smoking weed as cigarettes I think). He tried to stop her coming to my wedding but I pretended I didnt know that (he never says these things directly to me) and carried on regardless, getting my brother to pick her up on the day.
It has got worse since he basically got her finger partly amputated (he slammed the porch door on her hand) - he realised he'd gone too far so took her keys away so she can't go out and locks the door when she's in.
She never meets me without him. Yes I hate him but feel I have to be civil as he'd only take it out on her later.

OP posts:

AmericanHag · 03/12/2009 17:02

YANBU. You don't want your child exposed to this guy. It's bad enough this man has to be allowed in YOUR home.

Guilt? Think of the guilt you'd feel if something bad happened to your son when he was in that house. No, better to keep visits under your roof where you can keep your DS safe.

Your mum's husband is probably already very, very jealous of how much your mum loves her grandson. I'd watch that guy like a hawk around your little boy.

Morloth · 03/12/2009 17:12

YANBU keep your baby away from the loony for sure. I would even go so far as saying that he isn't welcome at my home. Let your Mum know that you love her but that you can't be around this guy anymore and that when she decides she has had enough you will be there with a hand.

Original poster

Igglybuff · 03/12/2009 18:09

AmericanHag you're right - I just can't bring myself to have DS in their home as if anything did happen I'd never forgive myself. Her husband is jealous of me/brother and tries to control contact.
Morloth I've thought about cutting out contact with him too but I know he'd take it out on mum. Or mum wouldn't be brave enough to stand up to him and would side with him (I really think she would)

OP posts:

diddl · 03/12/2009 18:17

Why would he take it out on your mum if you didn´t see her?
Sounds to me as if he wouldn´t care tbh.
I think you´re right not to take your baby there.

I can´t imagine how awful that must feel for you, but you have to think of your baby.

At the end of the day your mum is an adult and could leave.

Easier said than done, I´m sure.

How old are your siblings?

Brunettelady · 03/12/2009 19:18

YANBU!!! I would never expose my DS to a situation like this. Plus I don't like dogs and I won't take DS down my dads DPs house as they have a dog that has bitten them all. I also wouldn't expose my DS to a house full of smoke either. You really are doing the right thing, but what an awful situation for your mum!!!! Can you not phone the police anonomously? Could always blame a neighbour as they must hear what goes on.

Original poster

Igglybuff · 03/12/2009 19:19

diddl he'd want to know why I didn't want to see her. He's paranoid (although he would be right in this case) and say it's because of him. He'd then get angry and take it out on her. He used to get angry at my boyfriends (not to their faces) and shout at mum (?!)

my siblings are 13 and 15. It's sad - theycant stand him and he's their dad

OP posts:

diddl · 03/12/2009 19:33

What a shame your mum can´t leave with her younger children.

I do find it odd he would blame himself for you not seeing your mum, as bullies like him usually blame everyone else for everything!

I suppose it´s better for your mum if he visits also-at least then he can´t accuse her of saying things that she hasn´t!

secretskillrelationships · 03/12/2009 19:34

I think you feel guilty because of your upbringing. There is something in your mother that allows someone to control her like this and she has passed some of her stuff on to you.

In no other circumstances would you feel guilty. If this was a friend and her husband was acting like this you would distance yourself without a second thought. Well, you might feel sad for a while about the lost friendship but you would consider that your DS needs were more important than hers.

The fact that you feel responsible for his treatment of her speaks volumes. If this was a friend, you would tell her how you feel but, if she continued to ignore you, you would rationalise that she was an adult, not willing or able to listen to you and distance yourself.

By the way, this is not to say that our upbringing is an easy thing to distance ourselves from. It took me until my 40s before I stood up to my mother for the first time, in defence of my child, but she still scares me even now she's in her mid 70s! But I do know that I am clearer than ever in my boundaries. I know that I am scared of her, find it difficult to stand up to her so I avoid any situation where this might be necessary. It's not perfect but it keeps my children and me safe from her while allowing us to maintain some form of relationship.

Original poster

Igglybuff · 03/12/2009 20:07

secretskills reading your post sent shivers up my spine because you are right. And I don't know what to do! I also feel that in some ways he controls my behaviour (as I never challenge him and do things his way when visiting) so having DS to protect gives me some control back. This is a messy situation and I feel helpless at times.

diddl he would guilt trip my mum by saying I dont like him and as she (and I) wouldn't confirm it he'd get angry. I don't know how to explain. It's only writing it down that I realise just how screwed it all is.

OP posts:

secretskillrelationships · 03/12/2009 21:11

I think, unfortunately, that there is no easy way round this. My take, for what it's worth, is to try to accept that this is how I feel about things and that I can only do what I can do. It's not perfect, I would like it to be different but I can't see any way to change things other than cut off all contact which I don't want to do.

In her house, I keep the peace, though try not to compromise myself. That said, I tend to visit by myself (maybe compromise myself but no-one else affected) or when we have family get togethers. I rarely visit with just my children. I prefer it if my mother visits me as I find it easier (though still challenging) to keep some sense of right and wrong on my own territory.

The stately homes thread is a good source of information and support, too.

Original poster

Igglybuff · 04/12/2009 00:47

brunette didn't see your post earlier. I've thought of the police thing but I don't know that would work. My mum would deny anything...

secretskills that's the approach I've been thinking of taking and it's the one I feel most able to do. It's funny that I posted on AIBU as I expected some to tell me I was being mean (it's the guilt!) but seeing things written down in black and white make me realise that I'm not being unreasonable even if my mum might think otherwise (she might not, I've not asked!). Thanks for your very insightful comments

OP posts:

Brunettelady · 04/12/2009 09:30

Yeah if your mum won't talk to the police that would be a waste of time then. What about the safety or your siblings? Could they be at risk at all? Its such a hard situation when the person in it won't do anything. Just let her know that you are there for her (in your own home of course).

kinnies · 04/12/2009 11:20

Iggiybuff

You are absolutly right not to go round there. Let your Mum visit at yours. The atmosphere at her house is not somthing you or ds need to be around at all.

I made the mistake of spending time at my Mums place with my Ds and now have to deal with the fall out. Basicly long story short, I was a teenage mum and needed support so spent alot of time at mums. I got older and more confidant, (split with ds dad spent a few years happily single,went to college, work ect)and then I met my now Dh and had Dd. I have now decided to have no more to do with her as she found it ok for her bf to shout, be abusive (trying to make me worry that Dd would be born disabled - no reason for this so just sick and mental!) to me whils heavily pg with dd and refused to respect my (v. reasonable!) recuest to not bring her bf to vist my dd at my home less than 10hours after givin birth. She turned up with bf and she created merry hell about him not being alowd in!

I've seen my mum for the selfish person she is since I've had dc.
As a mother I could not stand by and let anyone treat my dc the way she alowed me to be treated.
I used to have limitles sympathy for my mum but I've figered that it was totaly one sided with only me giving a crap

Anyway thats my mum and hopfuly yours isnt a selfish cow. But either way your main responsability is to your Ds and your own mental health. I dont know if you have a Dh/Dp but if you do then I doubt he would be happy about Ds being around your mums H (I say this because without the support of my Dh, I would have still had a damaging relationship with my mum ect.)
So sorry that you have this to deal with, you sound like a really caring person.

Original poster

Igglybuff · 04/12/2009 13:14

Hi kinnies. Luckily my mum isn't selfish (I don't think so anyway), she's trapped and probably a bit deluded. I do have a supportive DH and he thinks I've made the right decision and doesn't think I should feel guilty. He supports me - even when I've dragged myself to my mums every other weekend and cried/got stressed before every visit. I used to dread the visits but it seemed to help mum keep up the pretence that things were normal (they're not). Also I wanted my siblings to maintain contact with me as also want them to see adults other than mums husband. But maybe in some way, by maintaining the pretence, I've sent the signal that mum's H's behaviour is normal...

Brunette I've told mum I'd support her decisions what ever she decided. My siblings have suffered at his hands - Although I don't know everything that goes on. I feel guilty that I've not been able to do anything to help them apart from show them love when I see them.

It's so messy! But at the moment I feel I can only look out for DS at the moment.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/12/2009 13:25

YANBU. Your ds comes first. What a horrible situation your mum is in, not to mention your step siblings. Are social services involved at all?

Original poster

Igglybuff · 04/12/2009 13:31

kreecher they were involved a few years ago. However this was because mum has manic depression and was (is?) an alcoholic - she's not drunk for over ten years. They were not involved because of her husband. As things settled down, they retreated. Apparently according to mum, her husband has got better and is now on prescription drugs to wean him off the weed he smokes (never heard of such drugs - they might be anti depressants) but he still is volatile. See, I just had to stop myself making excuses for him there just as mum does!
I'm not sure what social services would do to be honest?

OP posts:

Flip