to be upset that I've been asked NOT to buy niece a christmas present as 'she is too old'

[theseconddayofchristmas]

I've been sent an email by my SIL to say that now that niece is 18 we shouldn't send her presents any more.

I had emailed to ask what she would like. We've always bought her something nice because we never see them any more (they moved abroad).

I am upset because this is really the only way we show that we still think about her - and if she is so grown-up, why is her MOTHER telling us this? Why can't she tell us?

I feel a bit upset about it - AIBU?

(have name-changed)

Of course I'm not saying that I would return your dd's book. But wasn't hats saying that you shouldn't have had the rule in the first place?

We don't know her reason for the ban on presents (but it might be a god idea to email back politely and ask - you could explain how you feel and that you would really like to buy her a gift but don't want to upset anyone).

I read 'damaging and harmful' to mean dangerous like a knife or a gun. My point was that it may not be good for your child to receive certain items in your opinion, where well meaning relatives think it is a really good idea (e.g. my friend won't allow her daughter to watch hannah montana - I've never seen it, but I know she has some objection to the content. A relative buying her DD isn't intending to be 'damaging or hamrful' but she would certainly feel this was detrimental to the character traits she is trying to build in her DD IYSWIM)

I am in a bad mood. Sometimes that makes me make up my own words expand my vocabulary. A habit I got from my dad. When I am happy I stick to profanity

My family have an arangement. Once the neice/ nephew is over 18 we stop getting presents. This happened for all of us and will happen when my cousins are 18 +

It is a money thing and the fact that after 18 we pretty much lose contact anyway (we live far away from each other)

My family didnt buy their siblings presents either, just neices and nephews. It was an argreement with all and made much more sence.

I have found it is not that uncommon either. Perhaps OP your SIL has experienced the same kind of agreement and expects it or would like to start such an agreement?

I buy presents for immediate family. Thats it.

Our family did this. Unfortunately for my brother it was more a family consensus that the nieces/nephews were adults now so no more presents from aunts/uncles. As db is the youngest he got 4 years fewer presents than our oldest cousin! (He didn't care though).

I think db was about 18 when this happened.

Gracie
Can't agree with you. You are assuming that the rule is specific one and that the present is an undesirable one. Neither of which may be the case. I suspect that hatwoman was assuming a wafty 'lets not do adults presents' and a reasonable present. I just think launching into issues of character is quite a step from what Hatwoman said..

Fwiw Hannah Montana is damaging and harmful. And I would happily take a present from my child that I did not think was suitable. I have done that a couple of times with my three DCs.
But that is not what we were talking about.

Maybe this was always done in Sil's family and she just hasn't thought of it from your point of view? I think you should explain to her what you've said here. It seems perfectly understandable to me.

I have a very strong sense of missing my nephews who live abroad and I love sending them presents, so I would feel the same as you.

Sparklefrog, I stop at 18 because I can't see any point in us all sending each other ten pound notes in a long daisy chain. At 18 they would be expected to send their own gifts out, so the reciprocity would be down to them and I don't want them feeling they should send stuff to me/my DS.

I am 41 and my aunts still bought me Christmas presents until I had a baby of my own.

at Ruby

tbh my point is not that relevant to the thread . It's quite a fundamental one - about our role as parents when it comes to our children's relationships with other adults. I see dds as independent people, I feel very priveleged to have been given the job of looking after them and guiding them into the big wide world. Part of that guidance is helping them form relationships with people - and I think the best way of helping them do that is to be pretty laissez faire - and let friendships and relationships grow with as little of me getting in the way as possible. Giving and receiving gifts is part of friendships and relationships. so no, I would not/do not lay down "rules" about gifts. now, if, someone bought dds a gift I did feel was in some way damaging (let's say, perish the thought, a g-string - although I think Hanna Montana would make me want to throw up I suspect we'd just watch it and talk about it and laugh at it) I'd deal with it - I'd talk about it with dds - both from the point of view of why the gift was potentially damaging, but also from the point of view of the feelings of the buyer. I think I'd suggest to dds that we throw it away and I'd recompense them. I've never been in such a situation tbh. so - the short answer to gracie is that no, I wouldn;t let dds have absolutely anything they were given. but I wouldn't lay down rules to pre-empt such gifts. and it's just not been necessary anyway. the worst thing we ever had was a giant plastic kitchen. which I detested. but only because it took up half the sitting room.

YABU. It is probably their was of trying to cut down on presents.

My Mum is still stuck with buying presents for 30/40 year old cousins (and I get presents from my Auntie. She wishes she had put a stop to it years ago.

surely if you had an uncle in prison it would be more appropriate to be sending him drugs...

My uncle did this with his own DCs a few years back but quite plainly said that, as he had three, it was a burden on others to buy them all gifts and as the extended family grows every year it had got out of hand with the numbers of presents required overall. He did make it clear that he would not be buying everyone else's DCs gifts and no-one was to buy them for his. We all agreed and now only the littlies get presents from extended family. No-one minds because they all get so much anyway. We do all endeavour to get together over the holidays which is what really makes christmas for all of us.

But it's not up to her mother to cut down on presents, islandofsodor, the niece is 18 and an adult!

I assume you´ve asked why OP?

Ignore, just send her something anyway like posters have said, now she is an adult she should tell you not to buy anything. I am sure that she would love something, I do and i am 32

I would imagine that at 18, she is too young to appreciate the sentiment behind just buying for children and would love a gift.

My aunt and uncle stopped buying Christmas presents at 14. Unfortunately for me they stopped both of us when my db was 14 but I was only 9. Thought it was rather odd and so did my parents but they never said anything.

i do gifts for children - until those children - have children then their children get the presents.

its a great deterent for my children not to have children