to be completely sick of everyone and everything?

[pecanpie]

I spend all of my time doing things for other people and nothing for myself.

I am always expected to be the first one up in the morning to get myself and DD ready, empty dishwashers which some fuckwit put on last night despite being half empty so that I had to sort it out this morning before I could put the dirty things in.

I am expected to be the first out of bed on a weekend morning despite being 6 months pregnant, depressed and in need of a lie in and for someone else to take on some responsibility, never mind that I need a rest.

DH spends, spends, spends as soon as we hit payday on all of the things he 'needs'plus nights out/lesser necessities and I spend on grocery shopping and things DD needs. I don't get any treats or time to myself.

I am told 'surprise, I am treating you to dinner and a night away in a hotel' only for DH to not get round to sorting anything other than his parents staying longer to cover the babysitting, leaving me to get things sorted as usual.

If DH ever thinks of buying flowers for me (rare), I received tropical monstrosoties and not traditional flowers which he knows I prefer (£5 bunch of pink or white roses from M&S rather than a £30 arrangement from the florist). Maybe this sounds ungrateful, but it should be something I like.

I am expected to be the first one to get out of bed after a night away at a hotel because I supposedly take longer to get ready. I sat there ready for about 20 mins before DH made it out of bed at all.

Before holiday, we go on shopping expeditions to sort everybody else out, to the degree that last holiday I had to go shopping when I got there for maternity clothes and I had to pack a load of completely useless 'normal' clothes which just got in the way.

I don't get help with things around the house unless I ask. Even then, it means having to accept that it won't be done for a week because DH is too busy lying on the sofa watching some reality rubbish about the police or air ambulances.

When DHs parents stay, he relinquishes all responsibilities and they help instead. He thinks this reduces my workload, it just reduces his. He just sits at the table expecting someone else to clear up instead of him.

Where DH usually takes DD to nursery and I get a lift to the tube station first so I get to work on time, I am expected to accompany FIL to nursery instead, get a later train and make it into work on time by the skin of my teeth.

There are things which I have asked to be sorted for months - a load of excess wood sitting down the side of my house left over from DHs building project in July, including sawn off slide ladders (really safe for dd) - that's 5 months of not being able to access the garden gate. Broken iron still sitting under stairs getting in the way of everything else. Hole in wall left by electrician 1 year ago still unfixed because DH hasn't got round to sorting it. Cupboard full of old DVD players and wires not emptied/put in loft to make room for books which are overflowing from another cupboard. Transformer on lights not fixed so that only half a room is lit (not prepared to get on a ladder at 6 months pregnant as don't fancy falling off, ending up in hospital and house going even more to pot while I am there).

When my parents come to stay, my dad expects my mum to wait on him hand and foot, my mum 'tries' to help but creates more work by acting like she's clueless. She might as well dress DD in the dark, she pretends she doesn't know where things go in my kitchen to empty the dishwasher, I end up making dinner instead of useless mum while dad tuts that I forgot to turn the oven on which means they will leave later than planned meaning they will get home and to bed later than 9pm and then they swan off at 6pm without helping to clear up leaving me to sort out DD, wash their bedsheets and towels.

Apparently my sister is nothing but helpful and couldn't possibly have created me more work when she came to stay. I really appreciated her jamming my nappy bin then leaving her DDs further dirty nappies in my spare room for me to deal with after she left, plus dirty tissues, dry cleaning wrapping and half empty bottles of water.

Apparently I should make more effort and start having people over for meals at the weekend - cooking I don't know when.

Apparently I will feel differently about all of this once I am on anti depressants and will still have all of the above to do, just will be singing 'a spoonful of sugar' as i do it all.

is that my DH you are talking about???!

He expects me to get up in the morning before him to get ready because 'I take longer' apparently. This morning I pretended to still be asleep and he ended up getting up first. I enjoyed the extra 10 mins!

Seriously though, I'm sorry things are going bad just now. It won't always be like that. I think if you try telling your DH what you want done, write down a list and show him it. Men need to be told sometimes.

You need to tackle this pecanpie. FWIW I can understand the despair completely as my ex was just like this and it was the major contributing factor to our marriage breaking down.
Have you spoken with him about how you feel? My biggest regret is not telling my ex how much he was making work for me - eventually I just stopped loving him and started to resent him instead.

You are evidently feeling depressed too - not surprising given your workload. Anti depressants may help but are not going to tackle the underlying cause for the depression which is the lack of support you are getting.

In future tell your DH "I need to get X train and you need to take DD to nursery" He is being totally unreasonable in expecting you to change your routine so he gets a lie in.

I think you need to get tough with him (I didn't with my ex and regret it). Tell him you are having time off every week for yourself - book time out somewhere and then leave him to it. Even if it's just to go and have a swim or a coffee with a mate. You owe this to yourself - nobody can do it all 24/7.

De ja vue !

You are not alone !

sounds like he needs a kick up the arse!! stop doing everything and ask him to help more!! He should be supporting you a lot more, especially as you're pregnant. What's going to happen when the baby arrives, is he still going to expect you to do everything?

what a lazy arse!

Sounds like your dh has grown up without having to do anything, picking up on what you're saying about him just doing nothing when his parents visit.

Can you sit down and have a talk with him about everything you're annoyed with? Or would he stubbornly refuse to see what the problem is?

darling you don't need anti depressants you need a fucking parnter who supports you!

Why don't you just have a nice day to yourself sometime soon over a weekend - take yourself off for a pedicure/trip to the flicks/wash and blow dry at the hairdressers followed by a nice lunch/whatever rocks your boat. Tell him you're doing it and then leave it to him. Do it again soon after that as much as you can til the baby arrives. Tell him to buck his ideas up!

What would he do if you didn't get out of bed first ?

Pull a sickie - 6 mths preggers could be high blood pressure? tell him the mid wife says you need looking after - lots of rest etc other iwse could be serious bed rest in hospital etc.If he then doesnt step up to the mark you need to reconsider your marriage

This reads like a massive winge list, some of which seems reasonable and some of which seems pretty unreasonable tbh.

It sounds as though you are very unhappy with your relationship but don't have any constructive way of addressing the issues...what about some relationship counselling? Have you tried that?

I think you need to sort out the big issues from the, frankly, stupid ones.

No-one MAKES you get out of bed earlier... and, as for complaining about flowers really????

I'm not saying you don't have some justifiable complaints, but moaning that he buys you the wrong sort of flower arrangements makes you come across as just slightly, well, ungrateful.

FFS!! I can't believe people are suggesting that you 'reconsider your marriage' because he buys you the wrong sort of flowers and accts like a child around his parents.

Which, by the way, is how the OP's father acts and (presumably) the OP's mother facilitates.

I think the OP is using the flowers to illustrate that her DH is one for grand, flashy gestures but shite at doing anything useful.

My stepfather once sent an orchid in a box to my Mum's work on Valentine's Day. She was furious. Ungrateful? Yes, but as he was always in the pub, did not pay his way, was unreliable etc, she felt that sending the orchid to her work made him look like this fantastic, romantic, generous husband, when actually he was never there for her when it mattered and she was stuck paying all the bills.

I am using the flowers to illustrate that either a/ he doesn't listen and has no clue what I like or b/ he doesn't care what I like.

I am annoyed because he sits on his backside for hours on end and then 'forgets' to do things because he is so tired.

I am annoyed because I have a HUGE hole which has been in my wall for a year and he has done nothing about it.

I am annoyed that the only way to get things done is to do it myself while he 'relaxes'.

I am annoyed that I need maternity bras which fit but I am spending so much time on everyone else that I don't have time to get near a shop never mind find a bra which isn't ugly resulting in me just buying the first thing i see to get the job done.

I am annoyed at being told that he always gets things done, doesn't he, when there is a long list of important things which have been building up over the past few years, never mind the small things. And getting things done 3 days after they needed doing is no f*ing use.

oh, but at least he loves me. because that makes it all fine.

i am depressed anyway and need the anti depressants. he uses that as the big excuse, the reason why it's my problem not his.

So what are you going to do?

harimosmummy, I'm with balloonslayer. DH suprising her with "a night away in a hotel" that she has to organise herself and grandiose flowers are all to show the rest of the world how wonderful he is, while he is in fact an a**hole.

Anyone who tells you you'll be ok once you are on antidepressants should be taken outside and shot. The reason you are feeling like this is because of your situation. (He could be my DH's twin BTW) Antidepressants rarely actually solve anything in a case like this because they don't solve the reason for the depression.

I know it is very hard because I haven't managed to do it either but you need to look after yourself first because you cannot look after 2 2DC's with no support if you don't look after yourself. You then need to sit down with your husband and explain that things have to change - I need to take my own advice!!

I hope you are feeling more appreciated soon.

YANBU. In fact think you are being too reasonable, putting up with that shit. I get why the flowers thing is annoying too. I think giving him a list could be a good idea and negotiating a lie in at least one day of the weekend. I get so pissed off when I am tired and being pregnant makes you dog tired too. Hope things get better soon.

PP people take the piss if they think they can

sorry but something in your demeanour or behaviour obviously gives your fil and dh the belief they can (and do) take the piss. i see you are on AD's,so likely your self esteem and or mood are affected.however you need to get a plan ofd what you will/wont do and stick to it. i don't know how aware your dh is of your feelings,but calmly tell him their incessant unreasonable demands wear you down

BUT you do need to begin to assert self
and i am not talking over everything but pick 1-2 significant things.and stick to it

good luck

Can I just ask - what's happening at Christmas? Will you be expected to have anyone/everyone over to yours for dinner? If so, pin your husband down tonight and say you can't cope with the idea of Christmas with the house in the state that it's in.

Either it all gets sorted, or you won't be co-operating. Cry, if necessary - it sounds like you could do with getting it all out, anyway.

And then, on Saturday, get up early as normal, sort the kids and dump them on your husband, literally and physically - and whilst he's still in bed if necessary - walk out the door and take the morning to get some free time and clear your head.

They are his children as well, and there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to cope with them for a few hours, esp. once they are up and dressed etc. Warn the kids in advance that they will be staying with Daddy only for a few hours and that it would be nice if they'd be good for him. Warn your DH as well - as long as you don't think he'll immediately have reasons why it can't happen.

And if the house is a mess when you come back, sit down with the kids and don't move until he does at least as much tidying as he's allowed mess to happen.

Keep repeating this notion until it sinks in.

Now, you may not manage all this in one week and it may cause huge rows, but, as previous posters have said, the longer you aloow him to carry on like this, the longer he will carry on like this. Men really, genuinely do not see what needs to be done unless you spell it out and give them no choice (and then of course you are nagging and being a bitch!)

Also, if he is being this irresponsible with money, set up a joint account and both of you take a set amount out of it each week. There is no way he should be touching your main finances until after all the bills have been paid - regardless of what things he 'needs'. That's the price of being a husband and father.

Good luck!

You sound like me! We had rotting christmas trees from years gone by that sat in our garden for years until eventually i just called a gardener to take them away. We have broken bits and pieces here and until i start trying to fix something it just gets left. My DH NEVER buys me flowers, no matter how many times i tell him i would love some - it would be nice to have a romantic gesture here and there and he tells me that he will do it one day 'to surprise me'. I now surprise him by phoning him up at works and saying, 'just to let you know you bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers today. I have put them on your credit card and they are in a vase in the living room'.

If you want to do something for yourself - do it. Book a pregnancy massage, say no to unreasonable requests. Turn off the TV he is watching and talk to him. Don't get out of bed first - give him a kick and say 'your turn to get DC's' and roll over. If he kicks up a fuss stay strong and stay put.

my partner never gets me flowers either...i buy my own. Never takes me out unless i organise it.nothing is a surprise..nothing is spontaneous...its so bloody boring.He has never cooked a meal for me in 13 years...not even bacon butties.

Sorry, didn't mean to offend, but (Personally) I'd appreciate any sign that my Dh appreciates what I do. I wouldn't give two hoots whether it was a small gesture or a mahoosive one. Honestly, I wouldn't. I'm expected to look after the two kids and the house full time and he really doesn't think I do anything at all.

But, I'm with Stigaloid... If you want something, then go and get it. Don't sit there moaning that someone else isn't doing something for you but then refusing to help yourself.

Pecanpie, I do feel for you, I really do. It is so easy for everyone else to be judgemental about flowers and getting up, but if their lives are so perfect, well done. Not everyone's is and not everyone feels the same and frequently it is the little thing that makes you break.

It is also very easy for us all to sit here and scream "be assertive!", "Don't let him get away with it!" but it isn't always that easy. Part of me wants to say something along the lines of write him a list of what he needs to do around the house and a similar one for you so he doesn't feel victimised, and make him stick to it. Part of me thinks that nothing will work unless you do that and then walk out and leave him to it. Maybe don't invite your family round as often. I don't because they make so much more work for me, even when they are 'helping'. But what you really need is some time to yourself, and maybe that isn't going to happen unless you take some decent maternity leave before the baby is due.

You could be me, right down to counting down the days until I am not pregnant and can take anti-depressants again. I am lucky in that I am pregnant with my first but i am still working full time and am very tired - don't know how you are managing with other DCs - it must be so stressful

My DP simply doesn't see mess etc and he objects to lists as he doesn't like to tied down to anything. But he is home alone a lot of the time as he either works away or doesn't work at all and he is amazing at 'pottering around' all day doing things for himself - less good at doing things that need doing for 'us'. I get very upset and tearful, especially if I am tired, about things being started and not finished or not started at all.

But the fact that I am depressed does mean that I don't see a lot of the stuff that he does do, I focus on the negative and forget the fact that (for example) he cooks the evening meal EVERY NIGHT and often clears up as well if I am really tired.

I don't know if this is happenning to you, but I would advise you to sit down quietly and really try to think about all the positive stuff he contributes to make your life easier and to raise his family. I did this and I really helped me get back into perspective - something I had lost due to being so depressed. It doesn't always work but it does help a bit.

If you can't find anything positive he does to contribute, any tasks he takes on regularly without complaint that you would hate to do, then you do need to have a look at the balance of responsibility in your relationship. It sounds as if you need to talk to him anyway about how you are feeling. I'm not saying you are BU, just that I know from experience that when you are depressed things can get a bit all out of proportion and you stop noticing the good bits and only see the bad.

I hope you feel better soon.

DH's mum gave him a talking to last night. He is going to get started on some of the things I need him to do, but lost all faith in the fact that he will do the important things rather than the ones which appeal to him and haven't been done 13 months on.

He is an amazing dad, but he's either just lazy or stupid(MiL pretty much says all men are the former and that he's not changed and I didn't ask her the right questions before agreeing to marry him. She has been fab support).

DH expects praise and adoration for everything 'he does for me' but as I said to him last night, everything I do goes unnoticed or it's expected. If I didn't work, fair enough on some things - or I could take more on, but as things happen, I work hard, I have a lot to juggle to keep the house running BUT I am also incubating so his tired is not equivalent to my tired and lounging on the sofa promising to empty the washing machine doesn't get the washing dry and the next load on, especially when he falls asleep and I end up having to do it before I go to work the next day. We should be working as a team and I shouldn't feel like his last priority.

Despite having been prodded by MiL and doing the right thing in the right order last night, he is still coming with me to therapist for a bashing so I can feel like he actually understands tonight. Babysitter sorted and everything.