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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for thinking my friend's child is

40 replies

AliGrylls · 01/12/2009 11:54

DHs god daughter is a lovely girl. Really kind, really sweet and quite bright but quite disorganised and chaotic.

However, her dad seems to have it in his head that she is some kind of genius and capable of great things.

She got 3 As at A-level but had to re-take one of them. He thinks the 3 As confirms her greatness.

He has made her apply to Cambridge and Oxford Uni - DH told her and him that they are both really hard unis to get into. Anyway she has just found out that she did not even pass the entrance exam for Oxford and is apparently devastated.

Her dad seems to be determined that she should work for a city / magic circle law firm and ATM she also wants the same thing. I have told her that they can be really tough places to work and they are not all they are cracked up to be. Of course her father who has never worked in a city law firm thinks he knows better.

I would like to know am I being unreasonable in thinking he should not be pushing her so hard.

If she doesn't achieve everything he expects she will spend her life being devastated and will become really insecure, but I am not sure if I am just saying this because I worked in the city for a while and found it really tough.

OP posts:

Earthstar · 01/12/2009 17:18

You can't extrapolate from your own experiences though, OP, although you may well be right - you might not be. I would have some concerns too as my experience has been similar in terms of massive and burdensome parental expectation - but this isn't your child so I would be very cautious about what will probably be seen as very unwelcome interferring.

GrimmaTheNome · 01/12/2009 17:25

Sounds like the dad hasn't twigged that its not quite so hard to get 3 As at A-level as it used to be. And even when it was harder - say 30 years ago - 3 or 4 A grades at A level did not automatically make you a genius or get you into Oxbridge. It does sound like he may be being unrealistic and projecting his thwarted ambitions onto his daughter.

However - she probably won't spend the rest of her life devastated if she doesn't follow the path he expects. From your description of her character she'll go to some perfectly respectable university - there are others with good law schools - work hard, be well liked and become her own person.

lovechoc · 01/12/2009 17:45

it seems he's living his dreams through his daughter.

GhoulsAreLoud · 01/12/2009 17:50

If your annoyance is directed at the father and not at her then I think YA probably NBU.

My Uncle was very much like this with my cousin (with all of his kids in fact). She is very creative, very into music and drama. At about 14 he planted this idea in her head "law is for you".

She's a bit of a Daddy's girl and kinda fell for it. Got a 2:2, got a training contract. Is now a solicitor and HATES it with a vengeance.

pinkyredrose · 01/12/2009 19:02

I think it's great that her father is so interested in her education, he sounds like he's supporting her and encouraging her to go for great things. I wish my father could have been even slightly interested in how I did at school or uni.

quote 'He has made her apply to Cambridge and Oxford Uni - DH told her and him that they are both really hard unis to get into.' .... and ... I have told her that they can be really tough places to work'

How about being more encouraging instead of pointing out the negatives? Just a thought.

Jujubean77 · 01/12/2009 19:15

YABU
I don't think you know all the facts or the dynamics of their relationship.

I think you should just leave well alone - I am sure she picks up on the things you say and they undercut her enthusiasm which would be much more damaging than her Father simply having confidence in her abilities.

3 A's at A level is a real achievement btw even with a re-take

Jujubean77 · 01/12/2009 19:19

I actually agree that you should be more positive instead of pointing out what she can't do - why don't you suggest alternative careers you feel she may excel at - broaden her horizons and be helpful

karen2205 · 01/12/2009 22:01

I suspect this will eventually all itself out. Once she goes to uni, she'll escape from fatherly encouragement/pressure and her horizons will broaden. There'll be plenty of opportunity for her to arrange work experience with law firms (city and otherwise) and to look at alternative careers and she'll eventually find herself somewhere that works for her. It's her choice and she's bright enough to realise that, once she's got the space to do so.

I studied law at Oxford [no one put any pressure on me to apply there - I chose to do so, because it seemed like a sensible use of one line of my UCAS form] and am now a solicitor. I did a vacation placement with one of the city firms and at one point applied to work for various city firms. I wasn't offered a training contract by any of them and it eventually became clear to me that I wasn't interested in doing that type of work. I now work in a niche field doing work I enjoy, that's a much better fit for me than city work.

About the best I can suggest is being a friendly, wise, older ear to support her in asserting her independence over the next few years.

Wolliw · 01/12/2009 22:12

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Sure 3 A grades at A level will stand her in good stead for whatever she decides to do at whatever point in her life.

If Dad thinks she is going to be whatever he wants her to be, then he is setting himself up to be disappointed.

All I think you can do is be supportive of her decisions, whatever they might be. Life changes a lot once the parents are not around every day.

I think Dad needs to see the wider picture. Academia and high earning jobs are not the only measure of success. He would probably agree in theory.

Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do about it. Take her camping? Ask her to make you a pinata for your birthday?

Stigaloid · 01/12/2009 22:16

YABU - good for him to teach her to aim high. Shame on you for thinking she should aim low.

rasputin · 01/12/2009 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2009 22:31

YANBU. My DS's girlfriend had a father like that-his expectations were unreasonable and she missed out because he had her applying to places that were above her ability.
If her father has these dreams he should do them himself-not live through her!
Of course 3 A's are wonderful, and they open lots of doors-however if she had to retake one it shows that she may be out of her depth. He should listen to his DD, but unfortunately it sounds as if she has been heavily influenced -she may find it impossible to give her honest dreams. Is the mother no help?

purpleduck · 01/12/2009 22:46

Sounds like ALL her family should butt out, support her, and let her make her own decisions.

I believe I read on Cambridge's (?) website that the A's had to be in one sitting - not sure if it is for law or not.

A's are fab, but unfortunately are not a gold card to get anywhere

piscesmoon · 02/12/2009 08:03

Right from the very start, parents should listen to the DC. I get the impression that the father wants her to aim high for him.
Parents should encourage and support, but take a back seat-they have had their chance.

I feel very sad for the baby whose life is mapped out from birth and who is unable to say that it isn't one that suits them. My DCs girlfriend got to where she wanted to be in the end, but unfortunately only when it was proved that she couldn't get through the hoops that her father expected.
She is very happy and it is so sad that too much pressure was piled on when she least needed it.

Original poster

AliGrylls · 02/12/2009 18:09

Don't get me wrong I would never interfere in their relationship and I certainly don't feel it is my place to say anything.

Just when I hear the stories it gets on my wick a bit and I feel a bit - oooh why does he keep on putting the pressure on.

Personally, I think a little pressure is good for a child. However, when I look at the girl I worked for in my last job she had been put in the same position by her parents and TBH I have never met anyone who resented her parents as much.

OP posts:

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