to think my friend is being a bit crap towards her DD

[Dorothyredboots]

Friend's daughter (aged 43) in hospital for big op to remove huge cyst involving ovaries etc(will be cut from sternum to pubic bone - eek). Friend is 68 healthy, drives, retired, has husband. Daughter is coming out of hospital and my friend was really surprised that I thought she might go and stay with DD to look after her. She started going on about how she could not expect her DD to make up a bed and would be difficult for her to 'entertain' her Mum. I said 'NO - I mean YOU look after HER'. She seemed to think it was an odd idea. Surely you look after your family - parent, child, sibling whatever? Friend has not visited daughter in hospital either. But the is in tears on phone to me - so worried etc etc. Friend says DD has good neighbours and MIL lives not far away! To be fair friend lives about 1.5 hours drive away from DD but that is the only excuse I can come up with. DDs husband has 2 days off work then DD will be on her own. Seems a bit sad to me, AIBU?

Friend does seem a bit odd commenting on having her DD make up a bed and entertain her. Perhaps she is a hardwork guest and her DD can think of nothing worse than having her mum round after a major op. All families are different and not all mums and daughters have brilliant relationships.

Can't understand her not even phoning her in hosp though.

Well I think YANBU in general - I think her mum's attitude is a bit odd, not immediately thinking about being there to help and look after dd. My mum is 89 and she'd be over filling the freezer for me!

although if I was unlucky enough to have a Mum like Reality's I wouldn't want her there either

Yes I think I am viewing this form the same PV as reality, I just about suffer my mum as it is because she is my mother, if she was round here after a major operation I think a major family fall out would ensue. Sounds to me like friend's DD has said exactly what I would "Oh don't worry I will be fine, lots of help on hand please don't you drive me mad".

Interesting, I had not thought about the possibility that you would not want your family with you if you were poorly! I can see where you are coming from there. My Mum & I have looked after one another in similar siuations and I was using that as my template (hastens to add not always easy - Mum old and cantankerous and self WORST patient you can imagine!) On reflection I think I IABU. Thanks Mumsnetters !

My mum would never think of helping me out either. She might (perhaps) make some comment about letting her know if I needed anything (and then refuse to do anything if I did ask). But then again there is no way I'd want her to come and stay for a week and she's well aware of that so wouldn't offer anyway.

YANBU.

In an ideal world it should be like that, mum descending on you after an operation, taking care of the children, keeping the house tidy and cooking for the family.

I know many mums that are like that... mine isn't. I wish she were, but perhaps I would end up even more stressed up at having to deal with all the problems I already have and on top of that ensure she is having a good time and trying to ignore all those comments that I find so annoying.

YANBU
My Mom makes my teeth itch regularly but she came up and stayed for a week when I had DS1 and DH went back to work. She was an amazing help, cooking/cleaning whilst I was stuck on the sofa with my breasts out. I normally feel very claustrophobic and a bit invaded when she stays, but she would do this for me, and I for her.