To be asked

[Mishy1234]

"was it natural this time?"

when I told someone I'm pregnant?

DS was an IVF pregnancy and I was always very private about it. The only people at my work who knew about it were my 2 bosses (one who left a few years ago) and HR. I always used annual leave for my treatment (although that's probably irrelevant).

Anyway, a colleague of mine (not my manager or from HR) asked me if my current pregnancy was natural! Apart from it being quite rude (I don't go around asking what position people sh*ed in when they conceived), she shouldn't really know anyway. I find it irritating and embarrassing firstly that she knows at all and secondly at her question.

I have been very private about going through IVF, not because I'm ashamed, but because it's a private medical matter. Most of my friends don't know and quite a few family members don't know either.

AIBU to be annoyed, firstly that someone has leaked my confidential information and secondly that even if she had been meant to know, that my colleague thought it was OK to ask the question?

It astonishes me how rude and nosy some people can be. YANBU.

PS- were you on top?

God yes, yanbu on both counts. Nosey cow! Who asks that, when they haven't been told by you about the first lot of IVF? And who else knows? I'd be annoyed in your shoes, too, and I'd probably be having a word with the manager in question to find out why other people know. Did she know it was supposed to be a private matter?

YANBU.
Way too nosey and a breach of confidentiality somewhere down the line that I would be extremely pissed off about.

I would find out how she knew this information and get to hr immediately to report a leak in their department. You are entitled to your privacy

YANBU to be anoyyed it was leaked

but YABU to be annoyed she asked. She prob didnt mean to be rude or offend, she prob just wanted to hear how you are getting on. IVF is meant to be a difficult thing to go through and sounds to me if she was just showing concern for you

YANBU to be annoyed on both counts

However, this lady may have been told your situation ages ago and not realised it wasn't really for general consumption IYSWIM

And...she may have just been very clumsily trying to make conversation and giving you the opportunity to talk about what is really bloody wonderful news ??

She was rude, but may not have meant to be

< devil's advocate >

That's an appalling breach of privacy. Corner the nosy cow and find out how she knew your background. Then put in a complaint about person in HR who has no sense of discretion.

congratulations, btw

I suspect that it came from my old manager who has now left, as he sometimes sees this person socially. If that is the case, then there's nothing that HR could do anyway.

I can't remember if I specifically said that the matter was confidential, but I would assume a manager and HR would know that anyway?

I don't know if there's any point in making a thing out of it now, as it could have happened a while ago.

LOL BitOfFun!

YANBU, although the asker probably didn't mean any offence. Whoever thought they ahd a right to spread your personal business around though is VVVVU.

AnyFucker- I see where you're coming from and that's why I'm reluctant in a way to question her about it...

just let it go mishy

although perhaps you could have a quiet word with her to say you would appreciate it if she didn't discuss it with others

although you might look a bit like a prat, because if she was so open about it, then it looks like that particular horse has already bolted

you never know if this lady has had fertility issues of her own ?

I have in the past, so am always just a leetle bit too interested in others experiences and could possibly have been a bit too nosy IYSWIM

err, well, was it ? Unassisted that is ? (would never use the word "natural", but many people don't understand the subtleties of that...)

YANBU. I don't know whether I would complain though, especially if you suspect that it was a colleague who has since left.

You could have a word with the woman who asked you and ask her to not spread it around, but that might well have the opposite effect.

A friend had twins last year and it is amazing how many complete strangers have asked her if it was IVF. Very rude.

YANBU and she sounds like a tactless nosey bint, but in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if your colleges know you used ivf?

I would feel very violated if private, confidential information that I'd shared with bosses had somehow leaked out. I'd feel exposed and my trust shattered. Poor you. YANBU.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.

YANBU at all to be annoyed, it is rude. However, I do agree that it's likely she was trying to be nice in a ham-fisted way.

YANBU. I wouldn't complain, but I would ask her, casually, how she knows about the IVF. And then go on to explain that not many people know about it, not even family, so you'd appreciate it if she could keep it to herself. Unless she's a complete cow, she should realize she's spoken out of turn and respect your wishes/privacy.
Congratulations, btw!

I also got asked alot if my twins were conceived through IVF (they weren't, but surely it's irrelevant how they were made). Even my sister asked me and was a bit startled when I nearly bit her head off!

"natural", though?! 'Natural'? As opposed to what? Making the baby in a cauldron with E numbers and old Barbie dolls?!

You'd think a midwife would know better, wouldn't you? At my booking visit for my youngest, the midwife asked if my twins were 'natural'. As it happens I've never needed fertility treatment but I still thought she could have phrased that better.

Thanks for all the replies.

I agree that the person who asked the question isn't in the wrong, maybe insensitive with the language used, but it's not her fault she was given information she shouldn't have had.

I do still feel annoyed about the breach of confidence though, but there's nothing I can really do without rocking the boat and dragging this other person into it.

I have a very strong sense of privacy and am extremely loyal regarding keeping other people's confidence. If someone asks me to keep something to myself, I do and don't even tell DH. That's why I find it very hard to accept when people don't do the same for me.

Human nature to gossip I guess.

Oh, and yes, this pregnancy was unassisted. We were booked in for another cycle in Jan, but thought we would see what happened in the meantime. Got pregnant the first month we really tried which was quite a surprise (after taking 8 years to have DS!).

Congratulations!

I couldn't believe the questions I was asked when I was out and about with my newborn twins. Are they natural? Did you have a c-section (from a man in Tesco's . Which one do you prefer? I think people just don't think and realise how nosy they are.

verytellytubby & frostyfingers- yes, I have friends with twins and they get all kinds of odd comments. Apparently having twins makes it OK for perfect strangers to say what they like! You have my sympathy, it must be very irritating.

The one that drove me mad was "are they twins"? On a particularly stressful day I replied "no, I nicked one!", poor lady was very taken aback, realised that it wasn't the brightest observation and apologised!

Now they are 14, and one is quite a lot taller than the other, I still get asked are they twins - even when they know they're in the same class at school. I know it's all well meant, but really!

Mishy - you just have to develop a thick skin, it's wrong of whoever to leak your personal details, but I would leave it now if it were me - there are better things to be doing with your time, like looking after yourself, and eating lots of chocolate!