...not to want to go to in-laws at Xmas?

[WhiteRoses]

They live ten minutes away so no problem there. Would say I get on pretty well with them too. Issue is, one BIL, who still lives at home, has Asperger's. I've only met him a couple of times, because he's very shy. When I visit, he hides in his bedroom, afraid of interaction.

Thing is, DH will definitely go to his family's, first thing, with or without me. But he wants it to be with me. I'm not so sure. See, if I go, BIL will hide in his room all morning and will miss out on Xmas, opening presents, etc. If I don't go, he'll join in with the rest of the family (who he's used to). DH reckons this is his brother's problem, not mine, and that I'm part of the family too, as his wife, so that I should be there. My MIL says he's right, I'm more than welcome. But I feel I'm in an awkward position. Of course my (very nice) MIL isn't going to make me feel unwelcome. But surely she'd rather have her son there than me, if it's a direct choice between the two of us. Same with the rest of the family. They'd rather have him with them than locked away in his bedroom. I know they all like me, but at the end of the day, I don't think they're THAT pushed about me being there or not.

DH says he IS bothered though, and he wants me there. That it's my right to be there, that the rest of the family are welcoming and that his brother will just have to learn to deal with me. I agree, he does have to get used to me, but I don't think Xmas Day is the right time to push it.

What do you all think? Do I put my DH first? Or think of all my in-laws, the fact that it's their home (no longer DH's) and therefore put their wants and needs first?

I'd love to get some other perspectives on this, if you don't mind. Thank you!

Maybe use it as an opurtunity for your BIL to get used to you??

I think you should say all of this and exactly this to your MIL. They know him and love him, presumably, and they must spend their lives guided by his needs. Maybe they feel they want to have the Christmas morning they want to have. Arranging one's whole life around one person can be quite trying so maybe they have decided that this Christmas they will invite who they want to invite. You don't know more about Asperger's and his brother than the family does.

Your dh is frustrated and not that sympathetic to him over this so I would speak to his mum again. She is much more likely to tell it straight up. You would have to say, I don't want x to miss Christmas out of a misguided sense of politeness. Perhaps they already have plans to manage things, like having special christmas time with him early, then he can go to his room and have peace and quiet.. you never know. But it would be a mistake to assume you are more sensitive to his needs than they are.

Hi,

Thanks for your reply, Meltedchocolate. I just feel a bit unsure that Christmas is the ideal time? It only happens once a year after all, and seems like a hell of an imposition...

Hi Stuffit,

Thanks for your reply too. Didn't see it at first.

It's a bit of a tricky one tbh. My MIL actually knows very little about Asperger's. My own brother has autism and I've spent my entire career specialising in the field, and it was only after a lot of persuasion from me that she finally took BIL to the doctor's, only getting him his diagnosis a couple of months ago, if that.

The thing is, she's a very shy little lady herself and tends to people-please. The reason she's never had people round at Xmas before is that there isn't anyone close enough, that isn't direct family. It's not because of BIL.

She didn't really invite me for Xmas either. That was more DH's doing, and she agreed. But knowing her, she'd be too scaed to do anything else, in case she'd rock the boat with DH. Which she wouldn't - he'd understand. But she's had a lifetime of abuse, at the hands of her own father and then her DH, so she really doesn't like confrontation, and I worry that that's more what's behind it than anything else.

Would it help if you took time to have small visits over there between now and then in order to allow BIL to get more comfortable around you? If not, then I would celebrate the bulk of my Christmas at home, with a short visit to ILs, so that they can see you and DH, but BIL is still comfortable celebrating the holiday with his mum as well.

I should probably say that "the rest of the family" constitues another BIL, who has learning difficulties (I'm convinced autism and it has been suggested by professionals but no official diagnosis as yet), and my DH. DH is very biased in favour of me. Youngest BIL doesn't have the capacity to grasp the concept in advance, and will only realise on the day that his brother's not there. He and I have a good relationship and he'd probably prefer I was there than not, but not if it means his brother can't be.

Triggles,

Thanks for your reply too. There are a lot of night owls about!

See, I pop in and out fairly regularly, but I think BIL getting used to me will take years, not weeks. He is better than he used to be, in that he'll pass the door of the room I'm in now, in order to use the bathroom, whereas before he wouldn't leave his room for anything. But I think that's as far as it'll go for now. Tiny baby steps all the way!

My DH has said he'll be there for the "important" part of Xmas - the morning present opening and I think that's right. With all that's happened in the last year, we both feel his mum needs to know he's there. So for me, it's a case of go with him for that important part (and my BIL will miss out) or don't go at all. As I say, DH will go regardless.

I just need to figure out what I should be doing... Keeping my DH happy and spoiling my BIL's Xmas (impacting on my other in-laws' day), or just staying away, at the risk of upsetting my DH...

if you're just 10 minutes away, can DH go over by himself first thing for the present stuff, then come back home, then later in the day (maybe afternoon) you both can go over to visit?

although to be perfectly honest, it sounds a bit like your DH is a teeny bit hung up on being there first thing with his emphasis on being there for the "important" part of christmas. Do you have kids? Is this something you're going to do every christmas, forever and ever? Maybe you can start creating your own christmas at home, and just visit the ILs.

Hi again Triggles,

No, we don't have children yet - hopefully next year. If we did, things would be very different.

The plan for Xmas is for the morning (up till about 11am, maybe - they start early!) DH will be at his mum's. Then we'll have an hour or two on our own to open our presents, before heading down to my family's. They're 40mins away and it's always a big get together, with relatives from all over the place travelling over (two from as far afield as Spain). I just don't think we'd fit in a second trip to DH's family. And besides, they'll all be at FIL's in the afternoon.

Anyway, I can see what you mean about DH seeming to be a bit hung up on being there for opening presents. Tbh, that's not really it at all. It's just that this year, things are very different. Last year, MIL had her DH and five DCs at home for Xmas. This year, it's just her, and my two BILs, both of whom have learning difficulties. It's quite a big change for her and after coming out of such an abusive relationship with FIL, I/we think that this year, as we don't have DCs of our own to think about, it's only right to offer her a bit of extra support. It can't continue in the future but this year, there's no reason why it can't.

So, as I say, I really think it is the case that it'll be with or without me and I just don't know which...

I think you sound lovely and sensitive. I'm sure whatever you choose to do will be ok. Could DH go for an hour and then you come to join them? Or come to 'pick him up' and stay for cups of tea etc.?

could you spend this next month going round there so that he can get used to you?

Aww, Shells - thank you! Lol!

See, that's always a thought. I'd have to drop him then, as well as picking him up, and that would be a bit odd, dropping him off and driving away again, but I don't think either BIL would cotton on to the fact and I could explain to MIL why I was doing it... I know DH would be a bit upset about it though, not wanting to think of me going home to sit on my own and wait to be summoned... That's been half his problem all along, not wanting to abandon me on our first Xmas together as husband and wife. But then I think no matter what I do, I'm going to end up upsetting someone, amn't I? And it does sound like a compromise... Thank you very much. I think I'll maybe put that to them and see what they say.

Helpyou - thanks for the suggestion too, but I do go round pretty regularly (at least once a week) and although progress is being made, it's very very slow. Lately, BIL has started leaving his bedroom to go to the kitchen for a snack or to the bathroom while I'm in the house. That in itself is a huge step forward. I hope/think in another few months (maybe longer), that he might tolerate coming into the same room as me for brief spells, providing he can sit and watch TV/play a game and pretend I'm not there. To sit and exchange presents and chat is a bit further off again, I think, unfortunately. Too much, too soon for him.

I think the issue is more with your DH than his family who seem willing to accommodate what ever happens. Your Dh sounds as if he wants a "perfect" christmas - family all sitting around the table and carols at the piano later. It may be that he has never had what he considers a proper Xmas as he has always had to work around his brother's needs.

You say that this is your first Xmas as H&W so it may be a trigger for him to want the fairytale family gathering. I would talk to him and explain that for this year it should be a bit of a hotch potch - and I think going up a little later is a great idea - but next year work towards having a better more trusting relationship with your bil so your dh can have his idealised Xmas. Although warn him that it is never like in the movies.

Hi Ani - thanks for your reply. I don't want anyone to think badly of my DH. It honestly isn't about what he wants personally. It's the fact that he feels really torn. He wants to be there for his mum, who's had a tough time of it lately, but that he doesn't want to leave me sitting at home on my own on Xmas morning either.

His Christmases in the past were always really good, no working round anyone, because it was just immediate family and they were all fine in each other's company. But he knows things are different now. It's just a case of striking up a balance, which we're stuggling with, due to the unusual circumstances...

Perhaps you could "play it by ear"?

Turn up with your husband and if you think you are "in the way" in terms of BIL then leave after an hour or so? (Leaving your husband there for longer?)

It is great that your husband is so determined for you to be there rather than just saying "mums had a rough time & I have to be there & you need to fall in with that!"

Hi Diddl,

Thanks. I think I might try the whole dropping him off thing. Cause it's the very beginning, where they're all ripping into their presents, that I think would be a shame for BIL to miss. Thinking maybe I can put it to DH that I'll just pull on a pair of jeans and a jumper, run him over to his mum's, and then that I'll enjoy going home and having some time to have a bath, do my hair, make-up, etc. and then go back for a bit when I'm ready (when the present opening is more or less over and BIL isn't going to feel as left out). DH might feel less bad about leaving me in that case.

And he is lovely. I'm glad you think so too. Really wouldn't want him to come across badly in all of this.

Ask DH to buy you some lovely pampering prezzies for Christmas - face mask, bubble bath etc and tell him that you would absolutely relish having an hour or two on Christmas morning to relax in the bath and get ready for the day. Maybe then he won't feel so guilty leaving you on your own on Christmas morning. When you drop him off you could pop in for 15 mins to wish everyone a happy Christmas and then go home and go back to collect him after your mini spa session .

Yes, that sounds a good compromise WhiteRoses

Are you going to your parents for Christmas lunch?

Thank you everyone for your help on this. When I posted, I didn't really see the point but it has actually made me feel 100x better about it all.

Diddl, my parents have Christmas dinner, rather than lunch. Tradionally, we used to pig out on so much chocolate and other rubbish from our stockings in the morning that we were never hungry enough until later on! It works out well now too, in that it gives us more time to play about with in the morning, and by the time we all get to my family's, we can just relax for the night, with nowhere else that we have to be.

Incidently, in-laws were/are welcome at my family's as well, but obviously it'd never work in terms of neither BIL being keen on change, both of them wanting to see their dad at some point, and MIL's confidence being at an all time low too. Plus, MIL doesn't drive so DH or I would have to be sober chauffers (and MIL and my family live an hour apart, so it'd be a lot of time spent going backwards and forwards).

TBH, it seems that you are doing everything to accommodate everyone!

As I said, it´s great that your husband wants you there,but I´m sure he can appreciate that for you to give up an hour or two with him so that his BIL isn´t excluded at present opening,just shows how thoughtful you are,not that you are trying to have time away from him.

Hi Diddl,

Yeh, I don't think he's worried about that at all. I think he knows I'd much rather be with him. That's why he doesn't want to leave me. I think I just need to work hard now at convincing that he's wrong!

Thanks again for your help...