to make excuses not to see this friend, honesty she is doing my driving me mad

[sweetkitty]

I have this friend whom I see at least once a week, maybe a bit more, she is lovely and very kind but all she talks about is buying things/money/house improvements etc and I mean all the time.

Christmas has meant she has went into overdrive, so every time I see her I get a rundown on the amount of money her relatives are giving her DC and what she is spending it on, everything she has bought her DC for Christmas and if I mention that I have bought one of mine a certain toy she goes out and buys her DC the same one or two (which is fine but it is everything).

I also know how much her DH makes, how much she makes, how much she has left on her mortgage, how much debt she has, how much she has left on all her loans, her bonus from work, I don't ask about this, this is all info she volunteers and I certainly don't want to know. The ironic thing is that she is boasting about all this money she and her DH earn and it is still less than my DH but I would never tell her that it's personal.

We are also planning a large extension next year more through necessity than anything else so I have happened to mention it, so now she is having her garage converted and if I am not hearing about Xmas, I am hearing about the conversion.

We never seem to talk about other things like the news or our DC although I do, you know the usual funny stories about DC, it's always about buying things and money.

I deliberately haven't told her all the things my DC are getting as I think it's boring and because if I say I got X, next week she would have X too which is petty I know.

Oh and since this is AIBU and I am having a rant I am fed up hearing about how hard it is for her working PT and having to arrange childcare as I am a SAHM so don't have a clue. The thing is if she would stop buying tonnes to stuff she could reduce her working hours!

Almost 3 weeks to Christmas and I cannot take it anymore, I'm all Christmassed out.

yanbu to be irritated by her going on about money, it's a personal thing and v crass to go on so much about it.

yabu to say she could work less if she a bought less she could work less exp. I don't know what your circumstances are but most of the SAHMs I know are able to do so because of their dhs/dps income covering all their outgoings. Alot of us don't have that choice. saying that even if dh did get a pay rise I'd still work at least a couple of days a week anyawy.

That's fair enough I am shocked she is so open about all things financial I haven't a clue what my other friends make no one discusses that kind of thing.

Yes I know a lot of people have no choice but to work and I am maybe in a fortunate position in that I don't work (childcare costs too high) but when someone is going on about getting a new car, a conversion, this that and everything and then on the other hand saying how hard it is she has to work and moaning that her Mum cannot always provide her free childcare and how lucky you are being at home it kind of grates a bit. I'm not bashing anyone for working just moaning about it all the time.

Think I get a bit when the Next Directory gets pulled out again and she goes through it telling me what she is getting.

Drop into the convo all the zany, crazy things you are getting for xmas. See how far you can push her

Tattoos
Diamonds
Jimmy Choo shoes
a small ferrari
Leatherette sofas for your new extention...

Get my drift??

I have actually thought of doing that

Yesterday I mentioned that I had been home and the postman had left a parcel in my recycle bin meaning "in the bin??!!" and she said "what was it?" I said oh party shoes for DD1 pink and silver sparkles she will love them "oh where did you get them?" "ebay" "oh whereabouts DD1 needs some"

cue 20min discussion on party shoes/dresses etc she has/is getting

Have you considered that she might not feel very confident around you and this is her way of asserting her worth and thus raising her self esteem? I know it sounds odd, but it's a possibility. Perhaps she suspects (even if you haven't told her) that your DH earns more than hers, and she's trying show you that she's worth of your friendship?

I think you should give her a break, to be honest. Think of some nice ways to change the subject. Keep changing the subject. Maybe ask her, near the beginning of your meeting, how the plans for the extension/Christmas shopping etc are going, and then keep changing the subject after that.

I was always brought up to believe that money issues are personal, and that it's vulgar to discuss what you earn or what you have and so on. My in-laws are really open about it - to the point that I find it quite embarrassing, so I do know where you're coming from. My MIL, though, does the whole "look at this, it cost me £XX and I HATE it, but I do think it's her way of saying "look at me. I'm worthwhile" on occasions.

Sorry worthy of your friendship. Trying to type whilst watching WonderPets.

she sounds very very very dull

Why are you friends, what do you like about her, why do you choose to spend time with her?

YANBU to find her, shall we say, hard work.

YABU to simply make excuses not to see her. Why not just be honest with her? Something like 'I love chatting to you about what the kids are up to but to be honest when we have conversations about money/presents/extensions it doesn't really do anything for me. Do you mind if we stay off those subjects?'

If she simply can't not talk about these things and you simply can't stand hearing about them, then you shouldn't be friends. But at least be honest with her about what is bugging you instead of being all vague and keep letting her down.

Sorry for the rant - a pet hate of mine!

Why would that be so hard.

I knew I would get some frank responses

She is underneath a nice person, very kind, it's just all this money, buying things talk that drives me mad.

If I meet her out we have the usual "hello how are you?" then she will say "oh I bought that toy and I went to ELC and bought that one as well" it's constant.

Or out comes the Next Directory and she goes through it telling me everything she is getting out of it.

Why are we friends? Because I am newish to this area and don't have a lot of friends maybe. I won't stop seeing her I know I am just moaning. I have tried to change the subject she must know I am uncomfortable about talking about money and things as I have never told her anything about our circumstances.

I don't know why she would feel she has to boast to be worthy of my friendship TBH, we live in the same sort of house (albeit hers has garage and conservatory), she drives a newer car, I'm not outwardly flash with money (probably as we don't have a lot), we more save for things so I don't think she thinks that we have more income than she does IYSWIM.

I think next week I am just going to say "oh I am really fed up with Christmas and talking about Christmas presents and hope she gets the hint!"

YANBU to find this woman insufferable. I'm straining my brain trying to figure out why you'd want to be friends with this woman in the first place. She sounds extremely boring.

Friends should have plenty of other things to discuss besides money. IME, friends who discuss their personal finances usually don't remain friends for long.

My advice: Tell her that ANY talk of personal finances is out of the question. Or, phase her out of your life altogether. If you continue on this way, you'll just grow to positively loathe her.

Update just to have a moan more than anything, so she comes round to mine for lunch and she is in the door all of 2 minutes and I got told that she spent over £800 on Next last night.

I thought "oh here we go again!"

I did say today "oh I am so bored with Christmas and Christmas presents now" thinking oh she will get the hint.

We got the talk of the conversion thing she is getting done about 6 times including all the furniture she is having for it (which coincidentally is the same colourscheme as my lounge!)

I think some of it is rubbing off on her DD though as she asked me where my DDs had got a certain toy from and I said "oh Santa a few years ago" and she turned to her Mum and asked if Santa could bring her it too.

I am starting to think she is just uber competitive as she kept going on about having her Christmas tree up and how nice it was as I don't have mine up (as I can't be bothered yet and have a 17 month old) who really gives a toss when other people put their trees up, except in September when they are nutters.

I think I need a break from her, I feel I couldn't say anything today without her coming back with "oh we are getting that" she was even talking about NEXT Christmas presents argh!

So, you just want to bitch about her behind her back, and bumping the thread, but keep seeing her?

I changed my mind...YABU.

I always look at these threads in case it might be me...... I don't think this is

God she sounds horribly boring.

Drop her.

She sounds really tedious. But everyone who's said 'Oh why don't you stop being friends then?' are being a bit disingenuous. No one breaks up friends with people unless they've done something major because the stress isn't worth it. And you do say she'll be better after Xmas.

I do actually think she has some sort of inferiority complex/issue thing going on, I mean it was EVERYTHING I said today she had to say something to better it almost. For example last year DD1 got this toy, so this year her DD is getting one which is fine sometimes I see things and think DD1 etc would like that but her DD seen another one of the same toy so now she is having two and she makes this big point of telling me.

I do really feel bad coming on here and having a moan as she does have some good points as well.

So with that I am going to stop bumping this thread and bow out and stop having a good old moan

She sounds very insecure to me. Not sure what point you were trying to make when you said that your dh earns more than her and her dh combined. If that comes across in how you are with her then I'm not surprised she feels a need to show you her 'worth'. I think YABU (and I rarely say that on these threads).

yes please stop bumping

I would add that you can very easily stop the 'competition' by deflecting her questions, changing the subject and not actually talking about your material possessions.

I have a friend who is hugely competitive. We have similar aged children and I used to respond when she told me their latest achievements. Now I don't and honestly my life is easier.

At risk of bumping again sorry

the whole reason I said about my DH earning more was that I would never divulge his actual earnings to anyone as it's none of their business and also they could be earning more than him and think "oh she is boasting!" IYSWIM She is saying it in a way "oh look how much WE earn!" I usually just smile and say oh that's good. She probably thinks we earn a lot less as we don't have as new cars in the drive/material possessions/holidays etc.

I deflect all the time, she probably knows about less than half what my DDs are getting including a few things her DDs are getting as well, it bores me so I don't bore anyone else with it.

I don't talk about my material possessions to me they aren't that important actually, if I was materialistic I wouldn't be a SAHM with a fourth child on the way.

Anyway I mean it this time no more bumping from me you will all be glad to know.

It sounds to me as if you should broaden your social circle and gradually stop seeing her. If you gain nothing from her friendship and find her so irritating why let it persist?