it's in another thread but I don't care, if I don't get it out I'm going to have a heart attack.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

I'm so mad at my dad.

He's always going on about pregnancy isn't an illness blah blah when I have SPD so bad just walking to the car is a struggle. I have constant sickness, hideous depression and anxiety, exhaustion and I'm allergic to progesterone. Fab.

So he won't ever help with anything and tuts if I won't eat blue cheese, etc.

Tonight I'm in a total flap that I probably won't get maternity pay and will either get even worse PND by working until I go into labour and then going back to work 2 weeks later, or stay off and lose my house and everything else. All on my other thread.

I rang my dad for help and he said 'well you'll have to go into labour at work and go back 2 weeks later, there are no other options for you'. I said it takes at least 6 weeks to recover from the birth and last time took me a lot longer, I still had bad SPD, a womb infection and very, very bad PND by 6 weeks later. He said 'oh it certainly does not take 6 weeks to recover from having a baby, you can go back after 2. You won't get to take off all that time you were expecting to'. I said 'medically, it takes 6 weeks' and he said 'oh whatever but I don't agree'.

I haven't stopped crying since just out of pure anger. How can he be so ignorant and arrogant.

As if things weren't bad enough.

And now I'm crippled with what i hope are braxton hicks.

Your dad has no place advising you on pregnancy matters. He's not a doctor, or an obstetrician, nor is he a woman. Dan't ask him anything else about pregnancy matters. He is ignorantof them and will not want to admit this t you, so will spout crap.

oh fgs her dad got it badly wrong.doesn't mean don't ever discuss pg again with him. you need to be robust and accept sometimes people we love get it wrong.doesn't mean we punish them or don't talk about important stuff to them

all this you speak to me the right way or you don't speak advice is harsh

he is human and flawed. accept that.because we are all human and flawed

In terms of maternity pay - SMP dictates that you must be paid 90% of your usual wage for the first 6 weeks, so you will at least get a decent maternity wage up until then and not have to return after 2 weeks. Your dad sounds like an ignoramus and so sorry you are under so much pressure and stress. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

SM, so we allow people to spout ignorant bullshit and go unchallanged, or have to have a confrontation every time you interact? Isn't it far easier to simply avoid the subject?

I might be totally wrong but I understood that it was illegal to work within 6 weeks after giving birth? Not illegal as such but not allowed by employment law - is this true?

Bless you OP - asking your dad for PG advice!? Unless he has past experience of advising new mums in some kind of professional capacity then I think that was kind of your first mistake.

With respect, you did ask him for advice and he said what he thought. His views seem v mad but he has a right to express them, especially as you asked.

So I don't agree with other posters who think he should keep his opinions to himself - wouldn't be a rather odd thing to do if he was asked to give them?

Hope you're feeling better now OP.

Panini - have you explained the specifics in the employment topic? surely someone will know?

MZ - i think it's 2 weeks, and illegal for someone to be an employer in that situation. not illegal to work.

No advice but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one who's dad is a twunt about such things

My Dad has told me:

1. my emergency section was no big deal because lots of people have them, get over it

1. Ditto anaemia, get over it

1. Ditto womb infection and hospitalisation, get over it

1. Looking after a baby is really really easy and women are stupid if they say it isn't

Quite frankly he's a twat who knows nothing but he is still my Dad and it hurt when I tried to get a bit of sympathy from him and got the above

It's very easy for people to say just don't talk to him about it and ignore him but I'm betting these are people with supportive parents, it's not easy to feel rejected when you look for love and support

Ok quick update. Spoke to union and they haven't a clue what's going on so got to wait a few days and see what they can come up with.

I'm still too mad to speak to dad at mo but I won't cut him out. I just wanted him to say 'oh by law they have to take it as your overall wage over the year, not just the 8 weeks' or something similar.

I still have very bad PND from DS, he's only 18 mo. I struggle with it on a daily basis. Adding an extra baby to the equation seemed fine when I thought I had about 7 months to spend with the kids and actually bond etc, but seems crazy now I won't have more than a couple of weeks. I can't even go on the sick as I don't get sick pay so I'm well and truly trapped.

They worked my wage out from when I was off so they do have to give me 90% wage for 6 weeks. But 90% of nothing is nothing.

not sure i understasnd why you won't get mat pay/leave and have to go back after 2 weeks?

Can I ask are you a teacher? YOu were talking about your Golden Hello so I assume you are. In that case maternity pay comes under the Burgundy Book Pay and Conditions. Look at this website www.teachers.org.uk/resources/pdf/Maternity_matters3.pdf and it should explain everything.

The only way a golden hello will affect your maternity pay is if you got it in the 15th week before your due date, in which case you will get extra cash (that happened to me and it caused great panic that I'd been overpaid).

You should be entitled at least to SMP or Maternity Allowance if you are working in a school and haven't been there long and are under a years coninuos employment. However beeing on maternity leave is classed as employment as they are still employing you, so you will have at least a years service (if you've had the golden hello) so you should be classed as category 1 or 2 (the website explanis that).

What ever your job is you are not allowed to return to work for 6 weeks legally, so you cannot go back after two weeks whether you want to or not.

I hope this helps and if you aren't a teacher then it probably didn't, sorry!

Don't borrow tomorrows worries about PND today, it might not happen this time. All the best and good luck.

what a useful post sarie.TAP dont predict or anticipate pnd or get worked up on what ifs.work with gp and hv discuss the previous pnd.be aware of potential stressors but do try enjoy your mat time

Sorry to contradict you, but the legal minimum time off work after giving birth is 2 weeks when you are not allowed to return to work.

Sarie- I will get contractual maternity pay but because they've worked it out from when I wasn't working in the holidays (I'm an hourly paid lecturer), I will only get £130 a week. I usually get much more than this and my mortgage, bills and debts from the past are huge. We were just starting to keep them at bay but we'll be back to square one.

However, I did get the Golden Hello in the weeks that are to be included in the calculations for maternity pay- so it should be included. Saw the union yesterday and he said because it is classed as a 'bonus' on a government website, they should have a case if worst comes to worst. They will look into it for me.

The reason I'd have to go back after 2 weeks is because if they don't count the Golden Hello, I can't afford to be off on maternity leave at the rate of SMP- it's barely over £100 a week. That won't even cover my mortgage let alone anything else.

I have been turned down for a mortgage holiday so that's not an option.

I'm really angry with it all- I work my arse off every week so I don't see why I should get utterly crap maternity pay. 2 weeks with baby won't even give me time to get used to her or even stop bleeding before I'm back working so I can't even begin to imagine how I'll bond with her when she'll be seeing my mum or a childminder more than she sees me. She won't even see me as her mum so it just makes me feel sick to think about. I'm not going to think about it at all this afternoon. I'm obviously one of those parents who shouldn't bother having kids because they're not going to get any attention from me when I'm out working all the time. I'll just pop her out, pass her to someone else, put my work clothes on and trott off.

that is rubbish!!

you won't be able to go back to work after 2 weeks
just get your gp to sign you off sick if you have to

I don't get sick pay either. I'm just going to tell myself they have to include the golden hello until I find out otherwise. Less pressure then.

try not get too angst TAP.get your maternity finances confirmed and then make plans.and pragmatically you do what you have to do to put a roof over your head,put food in fridge. that makes you a good mother.remember whatever happens you will be a good mum doing her best by her children

but wait til things confirmed,all the what ifs add to your anxieties

I wouldn't blank him. He just doesn't understand what he is saying - there are a lot of people around like this. You just have to accept that most people talk bollocks and there are a few people who know what they are talking about. If he starts saying things again just keep it in your head that he doesn't know what he is talking about.

Thanks for sticking with me throughout the whole panic SM. Seem to have got so caught up with ifs, I can't clear my head. On 'employment' they seem to think they'll have to include the Golden Hello so that's a weight off until I find out for definate.

Sorry, Ali, cross posted. I always thought my dad knew everything and I think he thinks the same... but clearly you're right.

He hates it when pregnant women act poorly but sometimes you feel poorly when you're pregnant. He doesn't like people taking time off work, either.

it is disappointing when those we love are unsupportive.doesn't make him a bad dad, tactless yes. bad,no. more likely to be characteristic of his age and upbringing. in old days women did just have to get on with it.they had to suck it up

so anyway work on definite's
dont speculate on what if's. at all
and remember a good mum does what she has to do for her family. don't beat yourself up

aim to be a good enough mum
not perfect just good enough

Oh, I have a dad who thinks he knows everything.

Lost count of the times I´ve had to tell the children to disregard what he has told them!

Thought you couln't legally go back to work before 6 weeks after the birth anyway? Good luck, hope it all works out for you.