AIBU to already be miffed on belhalf of my hypothetical adopted children?

[CheerfulYank]

So here's the story: DH and I have a 2 year old son. He's our biological child. I'm not sure how many children I want, but probably 4 or 5. However, I think DS may be it as far as biological children are concerned. Being pregnant and giving birth was great and awe-inspiring and all, but I'm just really not feeling it again. I had PPD issues before (nothing major but I did have to take anti-depressants for 2 months; I'm fine now) and I don't feel the need to go through that again. I've always known that I wanted to adopt children at some point and DH is on board.

My problem is the comments I get from others: "Well, I think that's really admirable, but I could never do it. I want my own kids." "Don't you think you'll feel differently about your own than the adopted ones?" And the kicker is my BIL, who is a jerk anyway: "I don't know why people adopt when they can have their own kids. And, um, you'll get a white one right?"

FIRST OF ALL, any child would be mine whether adopted or biological. SECOND OF ALL, a child is a child and I have no desire or need for all my children to resemble me and DH and I could give an eff what race they are. We'll get the children we're meant to have, I firmly believe it. I don't care how many biological children other people choose to have (well, I think the Duggars are a little OTT) and I don't care if people choose not to have any. I just want the same respect for my own choices. Also, I'm 27, so I've got a few years left before I need to make any firm decisions on the bio child thing.

If I'm this irritated already, I can hardly imagine what it'll be like when I actually have adopted children. AIBU? Do I just need to calm down a little?

Erm, thread title should be behalf obviously.

YANBU, but you need to calm down. Then deck the BIL (ass!)

People often make thoughtless comments about how you couldn't possibly love a child that 'wasn't yours' as much as 'your own'. I think it says more about them and their capacity to love and care for a child than it does about adoptive relationships.

A child is a child, and once you've cared for and raised them, and made them part of your family, genes don't come in to it.

So you a NOT being unreasonable, but I'm afraid it is a surprisingly common, if ill-thought out and usually ignorant, view.

YANBU - but I think you'll almost certainly find people as dumb as this even after you adopt (assuming that happens), so you'll either have to find some suitable put-downs, or find some other strategy for coping with the level of stupidity you're likely to encounter.

Though BIL is clearly in a different class of stupidity from the others - the other comments are more about a lack of understanding about how adoptive parents feel about their children, but his are just plain objectionable!

Though he's right to an extent - you are more likely to be matched with children who have a similar ethnic background to yourselves.

One of the best came when visiting a paediatrician with our adopted 2yr old:

'so do you have any children of your own'?

Er, apart from that one over there, do you mean? He was mine last time I looked?!

Not being unreasonable, but you will certainly get very familiar with this sort of comment if you decide to adopt. Try and laugh if you can!

Good luck!

Yanbu but its pointless getting annoyed at this stage.

Have you actually looked into adopting? Its something I have always been interested in and we have been ttc for 8 months and last pregnancy was horrendous but have never looked into it as was told my a friend with experience in adoption I wouldnt be suitable because I had anxiety isssues in the past (overcome without meds). Hope you dont mind hi-jack, just curious!

by a friend

PS good luck if you do go for it

There's a thread in adoptions at the mo about adopting with a birth child, which you might find useful, only a few posts (inc mine) on it.

But you'll see from my post on there - I'm adopted, I was brought up by my mother with her birth children. People generally don't know, but they see me, my brothers, my mum all together - and those who are minded to make pronouncements about adopted children obviously can't detect any difference in the way we behave together as they make those sorts of comments to me!

It does make me cross, but people are surprisingly ready to make ignorant pronouncements on sensitive matters they know nothing about.

Thanks, bedtime. Yes I've looked quite extensively into adoption. We've decided to adopt from the foster care system in our home country b/c there are 100,000 American children waiting for families and it's virtually free to adopt them. Also, we don't care what race/gender our child is and are not set on having an infant, so it's a good choice for us. I know some countries do have restrictions on mental health issues, which can cover anything from meds to hospitalization. I don't think anxiety issues in the past would prevent you from finding a child from most countries. Best of luck to you as well!

Interesting, wondering. I'll check it out.

I'm usually not so up-in-arms about things, but someone made one of those ridiculous comments about an hour ago and I'm still irritated. Think I'd best have a cup of tea and a few deep breaths.

Oh yes, and at toddler group:

' so did you adopt him from somebody you knew or was it through the local authority?'

Sure, I knocked on the neighbour's door to see if they had any to spare

waitingforbedtime I know quite a few people who have adopted having had depression/anxiety issues, me included. It'll depend on the exact history and how you are now, but best bet would be to talk it over with a social worker from a local adoption agency. The AdoptionUK helpline is very useful too.

Sadly, I think this is just the attitude some people have
My DHs cousin adopted a boy last year and had to suffer comments from family about it only being ok because 'at least they had tried properly' by having 5-odd rounds of IVF

How she bit her tongue, I'll never know, but I admire her greatly for it, as do all the people who really matter. But she loves her son, who is a total angel who is the apple of his mums eye

And that is all it really comes down to, surely?

waitingforbedtime - your anxiety issues inthe past should not necessarily rule out yu being approved to adopt. I suggest as a starter you goole "Adoption UK" andor "Britsh Agencies for Fostering & Adoption" (BAAF) where there is a wealth of information and a talkboard. Best thing is to contact your local SSD and talk to an adoption social worker.

hi cherefull i had this rant a while back too (although under a diffrent name) my MIL wanted to make sure i would have 'her grandchildren' and 'my own children too'

i agree that its very hurtfull, but, as annoying and upsetting as it is, you just have to let it wash over you and keep reiterating to people, as well as your children, that any adopted children are your own children, you love them just as much as biological children and apart from biology there is no diffrence!

Hmm...well, forewarned is forarmed, as they say. If you already know that this is the attitude of some of your friends/family, then when your adoption plan is a bit further along then maybe you should consider sitting them all down and telling them that you know about their reservations and that they'd better bloody get over it before the newest member of your family arrives because once your child gets there you don't want any more of their nonsense ever.

Get used to it. In the nicest possible way

You will hear a lot more and a lot worse.

People are mad.

I just love the ones that say 'oooh was he abused?' and then wait to hear the gory details

We have 3 natural children and we would like to adopt but not sure I would be approved. Dh would be. MIL not happy when we told her but tough.

Thanks for the replies to my little hijack everyone. That is very very interesting, in the new year i think I may well look into it seriously. Thanks again .

I've already had a talk with BIL in the past. I pulled him aside and said that we loved him and that he was a great uncle but under no circumstances would I allow any racist comments around my son, and if he could not keep his mouth shut then I would not be comfortable with his being around his nephew.

Took the wind out of his sails!

Really, chegirl? Like your child's life before you is any of their business! I cannot believe the nerve of some people.

Good luck, bedtime! I'll be very interested to see how it turns out for you.