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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at parents not coming to my children's naming day

48 replies

Knownowt · 25/11/2009 11:08

We're having a party to celebrate my children's naming day on Saturday. It's not a huge event- just having the "god"parents and their families and our respective families round for drinks and nibbles and a couple of speeches/readings.

My mum's just called to say that she and my dad won't be coming because they're too busy- they need to get a (non-urgent) repair to the car and my dad wants to do some DIY, so they can't spare the time (it's about 1.5h drive each way).

She then remembered that she'd promised to collect some presents from me to give to my Granny and suggested that she comes without my dad, on the train, to collect the presents instead. I said I could easily post them, to which she replied "oh good, no need to come at all then".

I just find it very odd. They're only late 50s and in good health, we have a good relationship and they are besotted with the children...it's odd not to come, isn't it? Can only assume they don't realise it's a big deal to me but I don't want to talk them into it- if they don't want to come I don't want to make them.

OP posts:

NaccetyMac · 25/11/2009 11:50

I had to talk my parents into coming, they didn't realise that it was basically the same importance as a christening etc. Once I explained it, they were totally on board. Apart from the moaning from my father about my lack of "doing things normally." It was a lovely day in the end.

We called our godlessparents "sponsors" on the day, but generally refer to them now as the former.

I am so glad we did the naming - it took me until my third child to not go with the status quo and have a christening for my Mum's sake. I only came out of the atheist closet about 3 years ago, and only to my Mum about a year ago. at my cowardice. The naming was perfect, everything we wanted to promise with none of the other stuff.

LurkNoMore · 25/11/2009 11:53

Knownowt, as you can tell from my name, I don't often post, but your situation really resonates with me as I had a similar problem with my own parents just a few months ago (they were trying to get out of coming to my son's naming day after initially accepting, because they were going to be too 'busy' with something non-urgent).

During a phone conversation when they were basically confirming they weren't going to be there, I read out the speech that was going to be given by one of our good friends as an introduction to the ceremony, to let them know what they would be missing.

They got the point, that it was going to be a very special day, that it meant a lot to us and that significant preparation had gone into it. And they came to the naming day beacuse of this.

Maybe you could try something similar - to give them an idea of what to expect.

In any case, I hope your parents can realise that it is something special for you, and are able to be there.

DuelingFanjo · 25/11/2009 11:53

why did you say you could easily post the presents, you seemed to be putting her off coming. Seems like she wanted to come on the train.

catastrojb · 25/11/2009 11:56

i have an anti-godfather....

Blu · 25/11/2009 12:06

YANBU, but judging by some of the responses on this thread, people need a lot of explaining about something that isn't as well known as a Christening, and take a while to see anything they are not familiar with as important.

How much have you discussed this with your parents? Have you given your parents - the children's grandparents - any role in the day?

I think you need to have a calm and positive conversation with your mum, explain how important the day is and how you would be v sad to not have them there.

meltedchocolate · 25/11/2009 12:06

I am confused. A christening has become something that people do (I have no idea why). It is meant to be a ceremony in which parents swear before God to raise their Children in the knowledge of God and Christ no? Godparents are there to swear they will help with this (kinda). So why exactly are you having a ceremony? What is it for? I really don't get it ???

(not trying to be rude btw but always wanna ask people this)

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/11/2009 12:10

I know what you mean. The Christening ceremony is extremely Religious - more so than a Church wedding ceremony ( der ...), and I would be very uncomfortable doing that if I were not a believer myself

Blu · 25/11/2009 12:11

Christenings are the welcoming of a baby / child into the church, and are essentially a religious occasion. But like so many religious things, they also have cultural significance - people like to have a family party to celebrate the birth of a child, and welcome it into the family, In the ol days when everyone WAS religiou, the christening did the trick. Still many not-really-religious people indulge in a christening and associalted family party.

So, as people think more about being religious or not, it's not that surprising that new secular or humanist ways of celebrating a child, welcoming it, and having a little ritual to give it it's name have developed. Mos of us feel that we would like our babies to be part of a wider community - this helps.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 25/11/2009 12:12

I wonder if your parents are uncomfortable with the idea of the ceremony, or that it isn't a christening? Are they religious themselves? Or do they just need some reassurance that nobody will have to circle dance and the animal sacrifice is optional?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/11/2009 12:15

TBH, the more I think about it, even if it were "just" a party, I don't really get why one's parents would not want to be part of that (unless they have a social phobia)

PerArduaAdNauseum · 25/11/2009 12:28

YY Jamie - which is why I was wondering if they were concerned about the nature of it, or offended that it wasn't a christening if they're religious themselves. But I may have had too many painkillers today to make sense...

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/11/2009 12:33

Yes, could be a protest. That's what I think.

Sorry about your pain

PerArduaAdNauseum · 25/11/2009 12:39

Thanks - but just me being a wuss

Elemental · 25/11/2009 15:27

I know just what you mean. We had a naming ceremony for our little boy a few weeks ago and I have to admit I am still stewing on the fact that some of DH's family obviously didn't think it was of any importance. This side of the family has had loads of christenings that we have always attended, or sent presents on the one occasion we couldn't make it. When it comes to our turn, not only did only one of the cousins come, but the rest and aunt and uncle didn't even bother to RSVP, never mind send a card or anything else.

Now, I'm not bothered about presents at all, that's not why we did it. We just wanted the opportunity to have a party and welcome him into the family "formally" that you get to do with a Christening, but not being religious, we definitely didn't want to go that route. But it does feel like a slap in the face when family act like this - surely the important thing is that's it's the baby's day, no matter how you choose to celebrate it?

diddl · 25/11/2009 15:47

But a Christening is welcoming your baby into the Church-not naming them.

Why would you need to welcome your baby into your family or name them "officially"?

I don´t really get it either.

Why not just have a get together/party for people to meet the baby?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/11/2009 15:50

Naming ceremony is just a name. You could equally call it a Welcoming ceremony. It doesn't alter the motivation for it - to welcome a child into your community of friends and family. And it's an opportunity that many non-religious people choose.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/11/2009 15:53

At the parties I've been to, the baby's name was talked about in the (informal) speeches - what the name means to the parents, why they chose it etc. So that's nice.

I don't get why that is hard to understand - any more than dripping water on a baby wearing a long white dress.

VerityClinch · 25/11/2009 16:08

We have given the non-god-parents the option of being "guideparents" or "oddparents" when we have our naming ceremony for our DD.

Without exception, they have gone for "oddparent".

My own godparents (I was christened, church, christening gown, full works) never gave me any religious or spiritual guidance but they did give me a lot of inappropriate presents over the years AND my first taste of under-age wine and THAT, I think, is exactly the role our own daughter's "oddparents" will be fulfilling for her.

The naming ceremony itself is really more of a "meet the baby" party for friends and relatives who wouldn't otherwise be in the area, plus for the local mums and babies who have been such a big part of her life so far, plus other important friends who were at our wedding etc etc - but we are calling it "naming ceremony" just for something to call it, really, and to allow those couples who we hope will have a big role in DD's life to take centre stage for a few moments and declare their intent to be involved with her.

piscesmoon · 25/11/2009 16:26

I would just phone up and explain what it is-I don't think that they have any idea.

canihaveapeeinpeacepleasebob · 25/11/2009 16:38

we've had naming ceremonies for both our ds.
They are a beautiful way to welcome your child into the family, name them and make promises to them.
Christenings are for welcoming a child into church and about bringing them up to beleive in god. I don't beleive in god, but I wanted to do something to celebrate our love for our child.
Each of our children have supporting adults, who made promises to them about the kind of role they would play in their lifes.
Grandparents and Uncles also made promises to them.
We made promises to them as their parents and made a little speech about what they mean to us and what they have brought into our lives.
both were lovely days and much nicer than a christening, as it was completely and utterly personal, unique and dedicated only to my ds's.
Talk to your parents and explain what it's about. My pil didn't have a clue either, until we told them.
Hope you have a lovely day, KNOWNOWT.

Original poster

Knownowt · 25/11/2009 18:31

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I'll speak to my mum about it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Knownowt · 01/12/2009 09:26

Just to update this, my parents called late on Friday (the party was on Saturday) and said that they would like to come after all and they came and had a good time. No explanation for the change of heart and my sister (the only other person I'd mentioned this all to) swears she didn't speak to them about it. Maybe Mum is a secret Mumsnetter...Anyway, all's well that ends well. I was very pleased that they decided to come and it all went very well. Thanks for all the advice etc.

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 01/12/2009 09:32

They probably didn't realise how important it was to you. They might not have heard of Naming Days. I certainly hadn't until I clicked on this thread.

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