AIBU to think my friend is crushingly insensitive

[nicethickvest]

Ok will try to be brief.

Very good friend and I (who, like me has two young kids) were discussing schools - always a difficult subject I know.

Friend commented about our local secondary (this dspite the fact our kids are in early primary and some still pre-school) that she really didn't like the look of the kids coming out of it and then proceeded to tell me how terrible the school must be. She then said that this was the reason why she was going to send her children to private school for secondary.

Thing is - my kids will be going to our local state secondary. My friend knows this as I have told her on MANY occassions that there is no way we have the money for private (and even if we did it woudln't be my choice to use private schools although I wouldn't criticise anyone else for doing so).

This isn't the first time she has done this - she is always telling me how crap state education is and yet she KNOWS these will be the very schools that my kids are / will go to.

I'm getting really fed up of this. AIBU to think she is being insensitive - or do I need to get a thicker skin?

Yes she is being insensitive but she is really just verbalising her decision and therefore justifying it herself. So she is not considering you and your feelings in what she is saying, she is looking for agreement about her decision based on her feelings about it. Some people are like this in my experience, they seem to lack the button that says 'stop, you are putting your foot in it'.
YANBU at her but you should just ignore it.

I think you need a thicker skin

Choosing a high school for your DCs is really such a personal thing to do. YOU/YOUR CHILD are the only ones whose opinions matters when visiting and choosing a school.

We were told by all my friends that X school near us was so much better than Y school down the road. We went to visit them both and came out with a totally opposite impression from the two schools.

I think some shool still have a "bad" reputation that they gained years and years ago thet just sticks because it is passed down generations even though the HT probably changed several times since and the school is probably as good as the next one.

Just let your friend talk and if needed, ask her when she last actually went to that school to see how well the students there are doiong, "in spite" of being a state school!

Maybe I do need a thicker skin .

I think I was just a bit peeved that she seemed to show no ability to moderate her comments so as not to offend.

But yes I agree that she is really just trying to justify her own decision and she is doing that my criticising state schools.

Actually I've realised I didn't mention the thing she said which really capped the offence. When I said that we couldn't afford private school, she said "maybe by the time your DC are ready for secondary your parents might have died and you could come into some money".

This was not said tongue in cheek.

Now THAT was ing and totally out of order!

I will edit my previous post: "she would need a tougher skin once I'd be finished with her"

Yanbu that is offensive!

I thought it was pretty bad too. To be fair to my friend she changed the subject immediately after saying it as I think she realised that she had gone a bit far.

I just don't see why I should have to be a sounding board for her views on her children's education without any consideration of what her comments might mean to me.

YANBU it is rude.

By that time everyones kids are so very much bigger that yours will look just as scary as the other secondary kids.

A blazer doesn't really make so much difference.

My dd is very nice and goes to our local "rough comp". She is fine and very happy despite being a geeky type. Your friend is wrong just smile and ignore her.

YANBU, but if you are happy to be sending your children there, just ignore her. She sounds like she is desperately trying to justify her decision to herself, and if the main reason she is sending them is because she doesn't 'like the look' of the state school pupils, then she hasn't really done her research. Maybe when her DCs get to secondary age she will realise that their 'look' is a teenage thing, not a state school thing!

Her comment about the inheritance is though. I hope you were straight on the phone to your parents asking them to do the decent thing and die soon so your DCs can go to private school.

She sounds insecure. I'd ignore her.

I can't believe she said that about your parents!

You really are allowed to say 'Blimey that's a really hurtful thing to say!' to your friends.

I have to say, when ds was a week old and I was tremulously going to NCT meetings (what was I thinking)? I found looking at 6-month old babies completely terrifying - they all looked huge, menacing and kept doing scary stuff like making noises and GRABBING stuff, even sitting up in an Alien-like manner, whereas lovely tiny ds was just lying dignified in my arms and looking at the light, as all children obviously should do. It sounds as if she is nervous about the pre-teen/teen stage, and that's quite understandable. Perhaps you can divert the conversation that way. As my PILs read The Newspaper That Should Not Exist Be Named, and my DM thinks that disabled children are a burden on the state, I have a lot of practice at diverting conversations and it's incredible how often it works.

I think she was hugely insensitive about the comments re. the schools.
She should consider herself extremely fortunate that she has a choice other than the state secondary and keep her opinions to herself.

YANBU to think she is being insensitive.

The comments about your parents are unbelievable. Has she always made comments like this before? If they have come out of the blue and are out of character for her...then something very odd is going on with her.

A good friend of mine said very early on our friendship (we both have 3 kids) 'can we not discuss education, politics or religion please?' - we have opposing views on all of those things. It works for us- we obviously discuss how are kids are getting on, but I know she'll go private for secondary and won't be asking for my opinion! It is civilised and it works because now I'm a mum and have a job I have other things I can talk about.

She sounds insensitive - but tbh many parents are so focussed on their children, and obsessed about their parenting, that they don't spare any room in their thoughts for other people making different choices. or not having the choice.

How do you react when she says these things? If you just silently fume, and feel fed up with it, but don't make that clear, then I don't see how she is going to be prompted to change. You need to challenge her every time the subject comes up, like a stuck record, until she either becomes more aware or just learns to avoid the subject.