AIBU in thinking that my DP is selfish and inconsiderate by what he suggested

[RnB]

OK, so it's not the crime of the century but I feel really upset by DP's suggestion last night.

I am pg and have my 12 week scan tomorrow (my 3rd DC, his 1st). I am really anxious and worried about the scan (as many are) but particularly because I had an extremely traumatic MMC at 10 weeks (while abroad) 3 yrs ago which left me in hospital for 5 days. So am paranoid that they are going to tell me something is wrong, or the baby is dead or something

Anyway, DP knows all about this incident and how much it still upsets me now, and how worried I am about the scan etc. I keep crying about that scan, am that worried.

He has booked the day off work tomorrow and we have the scan at 11am. The plan was to have a relaxing day (hopefully celebratory ) afterwards.

Anyway last night he announces he wants to turn my sitting room into a studio tomorrow (he's a photographer) to practice a new lighting set up, and wants me to model for him so he can practice. I was so shocked he asked me to do this on the day of the scan, or is even thinking about it when he knows how I'm feeling

He seems to be always planning and practicing, which is great (and he is very good and ambitious) but he rarely seems to just relax and not be thinking about sodding photography.

Can't we just relax for the day? And plan excitedly for our baby (hopefully)

I'm sure if something went wrong at the scan he wouldn't still be suggesting this (he's not that insensitive) but AIBU to think that for once we can have a day off together that is not about photography and about us as a family?

I said 'no', by the way.

Maybe it's his way of dealing with it? He asked you, you said no so I am not sure why you are still het up.

do you think he thought in some way it might distract you from worrying?

obviously it's something he wants to do too but maybe he thought it might help too?

has he accepted that you dont want this to happen?

I suspect that is one of his ways of relaxing, and he thought it would be nice for you too. Did you make any concrete suggestions as to what else to do? I know my DH doesn't do "sitting on the sofa all day" relaxing, he needs to be doing something.

Plus, without being rude, planning for the baby isn't a day long task. He could have been thinking that you'd could easily go out for lunch, say, and chat then, and that leaves the rest of the day, etc.

Anyway, I hope it goes well.

He's just not really thinking about it from your point of view. Don't get cross, but explain to him again how terrified you are and that you need him to be 100% focused on you and the baby for the whole day, to make sure he realises.

I did the same to my dh once when he was having a minor op. I said I was going to go and do some other things while he was in theatre (it was not even general anaesthetic - nothing at all serious or risky), and come back later. He was so upset, because he genuinely finds anything medical very traumatic (I always think he's being a drama queen, but for him it's real, not acting). If I'd been having the same pro I've realised now, and another time I'd cancel everything else, get a babysitter, and go and hold his hand.

Hi RnB

Huge hugs, I think your DH isn't really thinking that anything will be wrong this time, hence his plans for the day. I think with the 3rd or 4th pg, the scans and such are no big deal. Certainly, my dh is a bit like that this time round, and I have extra monitoring bec of my history. Has he accepted that you have said no?

Thanks so much for your replies. Yes I suppose IABU a little bit.

I wish I could believe this was his way of relaxing about it - but luckily for him he doesn't seem too worried about it. The suggestion was absolutely all about getting practice in, not taking mine or his minds off things.

We had previously said that we'd go for a nice lunch after the scan and maybe watch a movie before I get the boys.

He's lovely and not a bad person at all, but I agree with you Romanarama - he is just not looking at it from my point of view

Hey Saucepanman

This is actually his 1st baby, the other two and the MMC were with my Xdh. But yes you are right, he is much more relaxed about it than me, obviously the whole pregnancy is much more real to me at the moment.

when I said 'no' he seemed surprised. And then tried to justify that he wants to get as much practice in as possible. I feel like I really support his photography in many ways, but tbh sitting in a studio is the last thing I want to be doing tomorrow and I think he should realise that.

Maybe he just assumes everything will be okay. He will probably feel differently tomorrow.

Thanks AliGylls, I think you're right there

I hope it goes well. xxx

Thanks Sowhatis

I think he should realise that too, in fact by now he prob has! Speak tomorrow x

I hope today went well and you had great news and a lovely lunch xx

Aw thanks so much for remembering sowhatis

It went brilliantly there's a pic on my profile

lovely pic RnB. Really happy for you that it went went. Im currently 7 weeks preg and have also got the same fears that you had about it being dead or something.
Its such a scary time! Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy!

sorry meant to say "went well"
baby brain....

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! so pleased it went well xx