to have been so calm when my DC admitted smoking?

[disasterprone]

i'm a regular but have namechanged.

background -

i'm a lone mum of 2 dc's aged 13 and 14. dc(13) is very challenging and has had problems at school for rudeness and bad behaviour and has been bullied very badly too.

tonight they tell me both smoke, dc(14) since 11 years old and dc(13) i think more recently (not so forthcoming). dc(13) says its done to fit in and stop the bullying, that this gains friends etc.

i'm really upset, in tears, at my wits end. this comes on top of so many problems both to do with dc and otherwise. i smoke myself but have always tried to bring my dcs up properly and prevent them running amok. for example, i don't let them hang round the streets of our town, want to know where they are and speak with unknown mums to introduce myself and ensure its ok if they go to someone elses house etc. they say they get cigarettes from school friends and that about 1/3 of school kids smoke. maybe an exaggeration, god i hope so, i chose this school for its good reputation and standards though have been dissatisfied in some things that go on, its just your average school, certainly not a rough one.

my reaction was totally calm, not cos i'm unconcerned but cos i'm so shocked i don't know what to say or do. first thought was to take dc out of school but thats not the answer is it? second was to speak to school, but then dcs went nuts, shouting and swearing at me that i will be "dobbing them in" and that they will be bullied for it, lose all their pals.

i just want to give up and walk away.

i doubt if school can do much as dc(13) has been in trouble for behaviour think that all this will do is convince them i'm a bad mother and its all my fault if i tell them. i don't care what they think as such but know that if they take this attitude i'll get little support.

so i was calm. maybe i should be reading the riot act, waking my neighbours when the dc shout in defence and causing complaints but at least i'd be showing how hurt i am.

aibu to be so calm, is there any benefit to not hitting the roof, which is my usual style (doesn't seem to have got me anywhere so far, on todays experiece though does it?).

well YANBU not to shout etc but I dont see how you can let this go. Perhaps you could tell them you will quit together as if they have been smoking a few years its obviously going to be hard for them.

I would talk to the school as well if they are getting their cigarettes there. Who cares if they started shouting? its not acceptable to smoke and that the end of it in my opinion.

I would think that the school are LESS likely to think you are a bad parent if you contact them rather than ignoring the behaviour. If they lose the friends who are encouraging them to smoke is that such a bad thing?

It sounds like you need to take more control and stop letting you children push you around to be honest!.

Sounds like you are too scared to punish them because you are afraid of their reaction tbh.

Although I think YABU I dont want to say it because you sound as if you are at your wits end and dont really know what to do any more.

I am not a parent of teens so cant really advise what to do. But you cant just let this go. This is your childrens health we are talking about.

I am a smoker and my 11 DS has had it drilled into him that it is bad. He knows this and is aware of the risks associated with smoking. My New Year's resolution is to stop and he is going to "help" by taking charge of the money I would normally spend each day and putting it in his coin sorter and keeping it safe.

Could you try posting this in the teenage topic. Maybe some of the mums there will be able to make some suggestions.

It sounds as if you could do with some help. They are smoking, being aggressive and swearing at you, getting into trouble at school. Have you contacted any agencies who could offer practical help/advice.

I don't know how you can make the children stop - teens feel they are invincible... they won't get addicted, they can give up whenever they want. [rollyeyes]

I was that miserable teen being bullied at boarding school and desperately miserable when I clocked that the "cool" (and troubled as I see it now) kids were smoking... I asked for a cigarette and that was me "in the gang". The bullying stopped almost immediately.

I don't think telling the school will do any good.

i) Do you think the school don't know? My school certainly knew what was going on in the bike sheds at break time!
ii) The school doesn't sell cigarettes.
iii) Your children will be bullied and teased (more).
iv) The school are powerless to act, seriously, what can they do? Our bikesheds used to get raided... didn't stop anyone smoking!

I'm not sure what the "perfect" answer would be, but perhaps the giving up smoking as a family is a good one, but I think this needs to be combined with raising self-esteem (for all of you!) Dare you enrol in a self-defence class? The three of you I mean? Make total arses of yourself but have some fun together, bond, learn skills - and of course, all in a healthy non-smoking environment.

I smoked to fit in at school and have stopped and started through my adult life though basically only smoking when im in the pub. S just because they smoke it doesnt mean they'll be on 20 a day for life. ( Not that what i smoke is good but its better iyswim). I didnt smoke a lot at school though and was about 13 when i started. I dont know what would stop them though! Do you know how much they smoke?

YANBU to be calm its absolutely the best thing you can do.
As a teenage smoker myself I doubt there is anything that you can do to stop them if they don't want to.
The suggestions of giving up together are great, getting them interested in doing something healthy together is also great. When I was at school it was pretty much only the sporty boys who didn't smoke
By the way I'd be very proud that they told you. I lied to my parents for years even when I knew they knew.
Best of Luck

Difficult. YANBU for not ranting and raving. I say this as a smoker who started 34 years ago at the age of 11. i don't know what the answers are for you.

The best thing that you can do is to stop smoking yourself. Not only to set an example but so that you will be able to smell the smoke on them when they have been smoking. If you were a non-smoker then you probably would have realised your child had been smoking for years. Of course, you can't change the past, but you can stop yourself now.

It's hard to quit smoking (i know) but this is more important.

In my experience the best tool you have to deal with this is money. You can't stop them smoking, they'll do it anyway and just lie to you. You can however refuse to have your hard earned cash spent on cigarettes, no money for ANYTHING until they stop smoking.

If it were me they would be getting no christmas presents unless they had stopped by mid-December. Any essentials they required would be picked by me, clothes and shoes etc. They wouldn't be getting money for lunch, I would make them lunch to take with them, no phone credit bought by me etc. The only problem with this is if they have a job it doesn't work quite as well but it worked on my little sister.

Also, I smoked when I was a teenager and don't really smoke now, apart from the odd cheeky one down the pub from time to time! You could also maybe take them to local cancer ward to do some volunteering? Might hit home the consequences of what they are doing long term.

Agree with Pfft, all of the above would seem a bit hypocritical with you being a smoker yourself, quit together!

The problem is that they may feel that because Mum smokes herself, treating it as a moral failing would seem hypocritical. They're only doing what they've seen you do- how can that be that bad? (teens are horribly logical). Being hurt because they are no more sensible than you were at their age isn't going to be a big hit (and let's face it, the dangers of smoking were known when you were young, unless you're about 110, so you have been just as foolish as they).

You could point out that it is illegal for somebody to supply them with cigarettes and could get that person into trouble. But I really think your best bet is going to be on health grounds.

But be prepared for that to lead to the question, "how come you don't worry about it yourself?"

Imho your very best chance is to accept that they have been just as foolish as you were when you took up smoking, admit that you have all three of you got a problem, you know it is a dangerous one, let's see how we can tackle it together. Set yourselves a goal and make it fun.

The bullying problem needs tackling separately; should be possible to do that without shopping their smoking friends, and the school have a clear duty here to look after their pupils.

It might also be worth pointing out to them that in a society where most people no longer smoke, being a smoker isn't going to be the greatest sexual advantage: lots of girls wouldn't go with someone who smelled of smoke.