to be very upset with MIL for spending too much?

[rara67]

Last year, I was the witch-bitch of Xmas by suggesting that we reduce the amount spent on each other to £40 but that my in-laws could spend their last penny on my boys! This year after my birthday (mid November) I told my MIL that she could keep my birthday wish-list for Xmas gift ideas. I have now found out from my Mum (who also wanted to buy from the list) that MIL has bought everything on the list - about £80 worth of gifts. MIL and FIL are pensioners, lived separately for 25 years but still get on and come to us together at Bday & Xmas. FIL told me that he spends his winter fuel allowance on xmas gifts, they have both opted for equity release schemes so no longer own their own homes. I feel so guilty, embarrassed and angry at this amount, not to mention that they are always fair and spend same on each of us (me & DH), so thats £160 before the kids' presents. I dont want it to spoil Xmas but we will feel obliged to spend same on them (time for xmas shopping is also an issue as DS2 is 16 months and DH is out 13 hours a day)and then my Mum who agrees with the limit will feel she has to spend more. We really want for nothing, all I want is some me-time and quality time with my boys, not stuff! I want to suggest to DH that he offers to buy some of the gifts from her. Any other ideas? I do feel guilty as MIL fainted last month and GP has made her go for brain scan today, so DH says her justification will be "it could be my last Xmas" Maybe it's because we've hosted all but 3 of the last 21 xmases we've been together, but again, MIL has very kindly provided an xmas pud and £50 of tesco vouchers and will come with lots of stuff. Maybe it's because my DH is still her "baby boy" - he's 50!

She sounds wonderful.

The problems is yours - you should not feel 'obliged' to spend the same - it's not a competition.

Nowhere in your post do you say they are doing it out of malice or that they 'expect; anything from you. It sounds like you have been a wonderful daughter-in-law and host having them for all those Christmases.

this is their way of 'paying' you back and making Christmas special.

YABU,

can they be my pils please, i never get so much as a card!

Thank you. I think she feels guilty that her home isnt big enough to host a family xmas, but there again she did it all her adult life. (I've never been to FIL's house, he "collects" - 9 printers at last count) In the past I think she wanted to influence what we did, ate etc but now we accept that we have to keep things simple for the sake of the kids and luckily they dont still want to stay up drinking and playing cards til the early hours. I just think the money would be better spent on her gas bill, or going on a theatre trip and we could do with keeping the overdraft down. Christmas is for kids, but at 42 and 50 we still are the kids. I think I'll be a bit creative when I discuss again with DH and maybe we could stick to the limit but treat them later in the year.

£80 really isn't all that much is it? I was expecting you to say hundreds but all this over £80? Id say enjoy being spoilt, they are adults and can spend as they please.

..oh and she used to buy her mum a special present on top of the normal gift, which I think she assumes I do with my mum. I dont, but I rely on my mum for 100% of our childcare (I wouldnt be able to go to the dentist, hairdresser, stay married if it weren't for my mum) so I'd like to treat her next year. MIL has never changed a nappy (but made that clear when i was pregnant with DS1 so fair enoug)and FIL has never held DS2. Sorry to bang on but a very stressful time... my mum going into hospital tomorrow, DS1 off sick from school, dad was killed in December over 20 years ago, so I find xmas very difficult. Thanks for reading x

I think you are concerned for your inlaws and that is lovely but let them do what they want. They have their pride. Think of other ways to pay them back and tell your mum not to worry about keeping up, it isn't necessary.

Could you say that you are only going to be able to spend £40 this year in the hope of embarrasing them into reducing it so that you can save face?

She sounds great. You have lucky DC's

YABU. Lucky you to have such kind and generous PIL.
It doesn't sound at all as if MIL expects you to lavish her with presents.

She obviously gets a lot of enjoyment in choosing and buying gifts for her DS and family. If she has the money then it is lovely that she is so kind. Lots of older people think every Christmas may be their last one.
One year it will be so just enjoy every Christmas. You sound like a lovely family.

Thank you again. I suppose that she must have the money (although FIL doesn't but he spends his on printers - see earlier post!)although when you sell the family silver (ie your home)you can only do it once and I know she pays off her credit card. Selfishly I am worried how DH is going to support all of us when their money runs out, but I guess I know MIL wouldn't expect/take any help. She even made FIL take out a funeral insurance when she found out that her DS/my DH had to loan FIL the cash to pay for the funeral when FIL's mother (DH's grandmother) died! Just spoken to MIL ref brain scan, went better than expected but she still anxious as wont get results for 7-10 days. Will stop worrying about gifts and now focus on my mum's impending hospital trip...