Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be angry with DH for running off when I was about to give birth...

43 replies

MamiBabi · 23/11/2009 09:04

As it says really - bit of a long post copied from another thread - just fishing for opinion!

Ok - here goes.

After weeks of trying to get things going I woke up having a contraction at 3am. Every 10-12 mins and woke DH as knew it was the real thing (DS was a painful and horrid induction with epidural that came out of back at the end without anyone believing that I was experiencing every bit of the pain of the last few contractions before delivery - could not get control over pain so ventous and forceps followed).

Anyway, contractions were fine, watched an episode of 'Cracker'! By 3.45 contractions were coming every 5 mins so phoned hospital who did normal paracetamol and bath speech, come in when you can't cope with the pain...
Called mum to come over and look after DS. She arrived at 4.45 by which time contractions every 2-3 mins and requiring more concentration to get through. The hospital is around 30 mins away so in the confusion we left - my mum probably should have stopped us leaving but she said afterwards that she just didn't realise how close to delivery she was as in her recollection of her own deliveries, contractions could go on like this for hours

Anyway, half way to hospital waters exploded, I was gripping the hand holdy thing... as we pulled into carpark in between contractions I was very clear with DH that I was not going to be able to get out of the car - said 'phone midwife - last no on phone and get them to come here'. He did this as he got out of the car. I could hear him say that we were outside A&E (we weren't, we were at the main entrance) Shouted at him that we weren't at A&E but he had run off. I felt down and felt the head, I had been pushing uncontrollably with every contraction since waters went), tipped onto my side, had another contraction and then started shouting DH's name without response - can remember being incredibly worried that DD was going to be born into my trouser leg!

Don't know how long I was on my own for but felt incredibly alone, never doubted my ability to birth my baby, knew that everything was going to be ok but just felt alone and not listened to - I had shouted that we weren't at A&E but DH had run off for help without hearing me, or listening to me

Anyway, midwives turned up, said we're going to get you out of the car, I said, head is here, they pulled my knickers and trousers off, contraction, delivered head in one push then delivered body with next contraction. Got out of car with knickers round ankles, one flip flop on and thanked god it was 5.25am and dark and nobody in car park!

DH ran off when we arrived because MW told him to(thinking he was at A&E to run in to get porter and wheelchair). Although, the labour and delivery was fine - feel it was a walk in the park compared to the induction with DS, really proud of doing it without pain relief, did it on my own to all intents as I would have delivered then with or without MWs, only needed 3 stitches for tear of episiotomy scar, have heeled really well, almost back to normal after 5.5 weeks. Have a lovely baby, feeds really well, sleeps well, DS is fine with her etc The problem is that I feel a bit annoyed with DH for running off and leaving me on my own - at the time I was probably in transition.

Would you be annoyed? AIBU?

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 23/11/2009 12:32

I think you can't blame him.
My ex did actually run away from the birth of my dd1, my mum was also with me and she managed to get him to come back but tbh it wouldn't have made any difference as he was useless anyway and as it's now been over 10yrs since he last saw either of us.

MamiBabi · 23/11/2009 12:36

He got the car valeted (sp?) the following morning, to be fair other than a very wet seat it wasn't that bad, MW arrived in time with sheets to catch the worse of it. There was a nasty looking pile of debris on the floor outside the passenger side though where things must have run off the sheets

He didn't tell the person doing the cleaning the reason for the mess 'would have had I been asked'. Enough blood splattered to signify possible wrongdoing but they weren't bothered so he didn't tell!

OP posts:
loobylu3 · 23/11/2009 12:38

Congratulations! I think he just panicked! I remember screaming instructions at my DH whilst in labour and him looking at me in a v puzzled way as he obviously didn't know what I wanted!!

MmeLindt · 23/11/2009 12:41

Congratulations, what a story!

I have this image of your poor DH running around the hospital like a headless chicken in sheer panic, the poor man. At 5am.

Sorry, but I think you have to forgive him, the daft bugger.

upahill · 23/11/2009 12:49

Mami.....All's well that ends well.

I'm glad everything is Ok and you do have a good story to tell even though you proabably wouldn't have thought so at the time

MamiBabi · 23/11/2009 12:55

He did manage to find a wheelchair when he got into the hospital (one with a broken wheel) so he dragged it out and was chased by a cleaner who thought he was stealing the chair. They continued in chase and were spotted by the midwives who luckily realised that he was the DH who had phoned (they were on their way to A&E), hence they were able to find the car and me!

DH then gave the cleaner money to get a ticket for the car therefore managing to miss the birth itself. By all accounts, the cleaner did get a good view of things though.

Daft bugger doesn't even begin to cover things ..!

OP posts:
jasper · 23/11/2009 13:12

I thought you were going to say he ran off to the pub!
He was only trying to help, bless.

Congratulations and what a great story

Spidermama · 23/11/2009 13:16

I'm going to break with the overwhelming majority view here and say .... I completely understand that you feel you were betrayed and abandoned by him at a crucial time. He failed to carry out your exact instructions and did his own thing out of panic.

I had a similar experience. Months down the line I couldn't quite shake off the feeling that my dh chickened out and ignored my wishes trying to pass me on to the midwives. In the end we had to go to Relate to work through it because it was eating away at me.

You wanted him there. You conveyed this to him but he couldn't handle it instead choosing to rush off and find someone who could and in the process leaving you alone at this vital time. It's hard to swallow.

DH freely admits that birth absolutely terrifies him every time and I can't help feeling irritation and disappointment at this because I've had four home births and I feel I do birth really well. However he still wouldn't do it my way, wouldn't trust my instincts and his own flakiness led to him betraying me.

If I can't give birth the way I want to and call the shots at that incredible point in time, then when on earth can I?

Congratulations btw. It's an incredible story and you are an amazing woman.

My advice would be - don't sweep in under the carpet because it may come back to haunt you. Keep talking to him about it. Explain you felt let down. Try to get him to understand your feelings and, well, say 'sorry'.

PercyPigPie · 23/11/2009 13:19

I thought you meant he ran away completely too!

Congratulations - I see why you are a bit fed up with him though.

mayorquimby · 23/11/2009 13:40

"he couldn't handle it instead choosing to rush off and find someone who could and in the process leaving you alone at this vital time."

do you mean when he went looking for a medical professional and was following the instructions of the midwife on the phone?
yeah that's really him not handling the situation.

Spidermama · 23/11/2009 13:41

Yes mayorquimby. He concentrated on what the midwife was saying rather than what his wife was saying.

mayorquimby · 23/11/2009 14:15

well no he was already gone when she shouted out to stay there by her account of the story because the midwife had told him on the phone to come inside. " Shouted at him that we weren't at A&E but he had run off."

so he didn't listen to the midwife instead of his own wife, he hadn't heard his own wife. i can understand how the experience would have been upsetting at the time but to still be angry after the fact when all he was doing was trying to help and following the instructions he was given by medical professionals over the phone is just ridiculous.

MamiBabi · 23/11/2009 15:03

I think that's a bit unfair mayorquimby - I have no doubt that my DH was panicked by the situation and that his response was not an act of malice in any way, it was just his attempt to do his best. I do however wonder, that given that I was left on my own in a car in a car park minutes before I gave birth to my DD, if I should be judged 'riduculous' for being annoyed at this.

My focus would probably be best placed on the positive outcome of the situation but I'm not sure 'ridiculous' is an appropriate desciption of my feelings about being left in a very frightening situation.

OP posts:
NotAnotherNewNappy · 23/11/2009 15:31

YABU - but I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from.

Doesn't this boil down to the innate male female aproach to problem solving? A woman might have stayed and supported you while you waited for help. As a man, he just had to do something, anything, to help you. Poor sod, he must have been in a right panic.

Congrats on your LO by the way, you sound like a superhero for managing in such conditions

MamiBabi · 23/11/2009 15:36

I know that I ABU. But I think I'm allowed to. A little bit. Besides anything else, my DH is such a good man in real life, I don't have the inclination or the energy to waste being annoyed with him over this long term. I just wished he'd been there to hold my hand rather than pissing about paying the cleaner for a parking ticket!! Especially given that this was my 'moment' to quote a rather tragic Martine McCutchen (sp?) hit and he was busy doing something else!! !

OP posts:
Mezley · 23/11/2009 15:44

I think you are just in shock (think post traumatic stress type thing). You need to talk about it to as many people who will listen. Moan whine and complain, and then you will get over it and as others have said, laugh and think what a great story. Big congratulations superwoman x

Rindercella · 23/11/2009 16:01

Congratulations - you are one heck of a woman! You know your DH did the right thing, but I guess it was very scary to be left alone in the carpark like that.

BTW, you didn't call your DD after your car did you?

MamiBabi · 23/11/2009 20:11

Not me! Though a number of people suggested Zara we went with our original choice!

Thanks all for your lovely comments and rational take on things. I'm sure DH will be grateful of your support and the fact that you faught his corner even if he never gets to know that I asked the higher being of knowledge that is MN before deciding if he needed to atone!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread