my Dad thinks my daughter will definatly be bullied at school.

[mummyloveslucy]

I went to see my Dad today, and we were chatting about my daughter who has a speech disorder and developmental delays. I told him about her forth comming acessment meeting etc.
He then said that I should think about getting her into a martial art/ self defence club. I thought this sounded funny, as she's not even 5 yet and is a very gentle, girly girl. I said I couldn't see her doing it and that I'd be worried she'd get hurt. He said "well you'll need to do something to stop her being bullied at school, as she's bound to be at some point". I felt quite angry and sad at the same time. I said that things had changed since he was at school, but he said that children are still the same and can be very cruel to anyone they see as being different. I don't think there'd be any chance of her being physically bullied, and part of me thinks he's talking rubbish, but could he have a point?

You could just point out that, even if she is bullied, you'd prefer she deal with it without resorting to physical violence.

kids can be cruel, but they can also be very accepting. in my dd's pre school there is a little boy with downs and i know that my dd doesn't see him any differently to any other member of her class.

I think that it is very important for all children to learn to defend themselves from aggressors (physical or verbal) from the earliest age.

DD had a problem with a little boy in her class last year, and got quite upset. He kept staring at her, and then telling her she wasn't pretty. DP told her that if the little boy kept staring at her, he must like her, and he was telling her she wasn't pretty because he was shy and didn't want her to find out he did think her pretty. So DP told DD that the next time this little boy said to DD that she wasn't pretty, she should tell him he was shy. She did - and the little boy never bothered her again!

Hmm, I think that some people of our parents generation are very frightened by what they read in the papers, this idea that society is going to the dogs, that children are out of control etc. In fact, I think that there is probably much less likelihood of your DD being bullied, in most schools, than when he was at school, as you say.

Children with SN are much more integrated into school and society in general, and schools must have an anti-bullying policy. I wouldn't rule out anything that might give your DD self-esteem, but I don't think that martial arts is necessary at this point. I live in central London, and whilst I know bullying happens, in my experience (at Primary Level) it is picked up on, and dealt with quickly and seriously.

I admit my experience is limited, but I did want to respond to reassure you.

I have done a lot of research on this, and worked with a lot of young people. The key factor in bullying is self esteem. Your daughter would benefit much more if you spend time boosting her confidence as much as you can. If learning a martial art does this, fine, great. But there are lots of other things you can do...and her grandad should be playing his part, too, by letting her know how wonderful she is every opportunity he can.

mll, my DS has one leg significantly shorter than the other, has had a hige show raise for a long time, then endless surgery, walks with a limp, much slower than other kids, can't play football, etc etc.

Sometimes there have been children who have made comments, or said some pretty horrible things. Not children who KNOW him, who are in his class, but others in other classes. It is like water off a ducks back to him.

The most important thing for a child is not martial arts etc, but a confident sense of self, and a strong belief that anyone who is so stupid as to make comments is very ignorant. I think it is best not to concentate on defences, but build up their whole personality to be confident. I never tried to be over-protective over DS - never made him anxious about his leg, never told him to 'be careful' on the climbing frame, never let him see his leg as a problem.

Have children to play, let her develop strong friendships as much as possible.

And should she wish to do martial arts, then fine, but don't use anxiety as a motivation!

Good luck to her.

MsHighwater- I did say that to him and said that I'd be horrified if she hit someone because they teased her. He said she should learn it for defending herself from any physical atacks on her and he said that if the children know she does a martial art, they won't try to bullie her.

a close friend's daughter has a speech disorder and developmental delay and hasn't once been physically or verbally bullied after several years at an average primary school.

obviously her education experience isn't going to be identical to a child with no such issues but i would imagine keeping a positive outlook would be the best way to approach your DD's schooling.

try to shrug off your father's comments as much as you can.

I cross-posted with abbierhodes as I type so slowly.
I completely agree.

Hear hear, Blu

I also remember that your DD is very pretty and that you are very careful to dress her well etc. Being attractive to other children is a great asset in life!

mummyloveslucy...I think it's very unlikely your DD will be bullied about her speech in the near future...very young children are just so accepting. But I do think every child at some point during their school life will have somthing unkind said to them, and it's wise for parents to equip their children to deal with it. I'd sugest it's as worthwhile to make sure your DD has self confidence and witty comebacks as it is to be skilled in martial arts. (Where they teach not to physically attack, only defend)

Thanks everyone. She is a confident charactor, and she seems to make friends very easily as she's happy and fun loving but she does tend to take things to heart a bit too. After a child asked her "why do you talk funny?", she shook it off at the time by saying "I don't talk funny" then later she said to me "why can't I talk the sme as my friends?" It was heartbreaking to think that she's aware of her problem.
I explained that people find some things harder than others and that they learn things at different times and told her that her drawings were the best in her class, which made her smile.

Good for you. Just keep listening and bigging her up. It's funny, because I have just had a loooong conversation with my 9 year old about being teased for being a slow runner.

At your DDs age, questions are not likely to be intended maliciously - but some stock answers will help her cope.

I can't see her enjoying any kind of self defence club as she's not that sort of child. She knows that hitting is extreamly naughty, and would be confused and probubly scared by it.
She goes to stagecoach theatre school which she does enjoy. They do singing, dancing and drama. This will help her confidence more.

One of the loveliest DCs I ever taught had severe speech problems, he was so skinny he looked as if a puff of wind would have blown him away and his coordination was like that od a 2 yr old when he was 7yrs old. He was loved by the other DCs-I think that it was mainly his attitude, he was willing to try anything and he was very friendly to all. I think that bullying him would have been like kicking a labrador puppy!

mll, while you can't guarantee that your dd won't have anything nasty said to her, if other children see that she isn't bothered by nasty words they are unlikely to continue to say hurtful things. Ds1 is a bit of a heart on sleeve kind of guy and unfortunately always got tearful when teased. It was only when he managed to develop a thicker skin that it stopped.

Drama classes will be EXCELLENT for her.

And of course she is aware that her speech is different (if it is!). Talk to her about it as matter of factly as possible, give her all the facts and detail you have about any reasons. And don't try to re-assure her unless it is over something specific that she asks for reassurance over. IME if you start generally re-assuring children they get worried that there's something they need reassuring about...which makes them anxious!

She sounds as if she's doing really well, anyway, and I don't know why your Dad is fretting.

That's good to know, picesmoon. Children do tend to baby my daughter a bit. I've heard them boasting about how well they can understand her and who understands her the best, which was funny. The children sometimes help the teacher out too. When I drop her at school, I hear lots of children calling her name to come and play with them.
I think she'll be fine.

I think my Dad just remembers his own school days when he was bullied for being a bit of a geek. He learned Taekwondo (if that's how you spell it) and then they left him alone. He said he never had to actually use it. (not sure if I believe that Lol).
My daughter also has little or no bowel control, which is being investigated. He's concerned that children will laugh at her for messing herself. This has happened at school quite a few times, but the teacher is very discreat about it and I don't think the other children are even aware that she does it.

Mummyloveslucy, my DH said exactly the same about our DS, that he would be bullied and that he needed to learn a martial art.

Sadly, I think it's a common notion that all will be well if a child can resort to fighting.

I would also be a little bit careful about the martial arts advice. My ds2 does taekwondo and his teacher told me of how another of his students was being bullied at school and ended up using his taekwondo skills. But unfortunately in a situation where he was attacked by several other boys and used the tkd in self defence, he badly injured one of the bullies and he ended up being the one in trouble!

I don't think there is any way to predict who is going to be bullied really.

The most popular child in DS's class is a little girl who has a couple of physical disabilities, looks quite different to the other kids and has some LDs. But she is just such a star personality wise that she pulls the kids (and adults!) in.

All the kids at DS's school do karate, it isn't so much about being able to defend yourself as knowing that you are able to defend yourself. A lot of martial arts also focus on having control of mind and body, quite like sped up versions of yoga.

One thing your Dad may have missed is that though bullying still happens SN is not something that automatically attracts bullies. It's like wearing glasses: in my day that was a big sign saying FRIENDLESS GEEK. These days it is no predictor at all as to whether you'll be popular or not.

My dd has a disability; she was incontinent when she was younger and can't walk very much. She has always been popular and has loads of friends.

I otoh was bullied- without any SN at all. But tbh my social skills were not good, and in that situation being extremely verbal and clever didn't exactly improve the situation.

My youngest dd has SN relating to speech. She is also a very anxious child. However, she is very popular at school and has never been bullied. She has lots of friends and both the teachers and children have no problem with her differences.